Archive for July, 2009
Who are the ad wizards who came up with one? The NFL Network, in their infinite wisdom, have decided they will broadcast every single NFL preseason game some time in the month of August. From Awful Announcing:
NFL Network is home to all the NFL preseason games for the first time with 65 games airing on the only network dedicated entirely to football. In addition for the first time, the entire NFL preseason schedule will be seen in high definition nationally including 12 live preseason games, the most in the network’s history.
If there ever comes a day when I think to myself, “You know what? Pissing away precious time watching my favorite team’s four preseason games just ain’t cutting it. I need more preseason action,” please shoot me.
If I felt like it, I probably could come up with at least 1,000 things I’d rather do than watch the August 26th preseason matchup between the New York Jets and Baltimore Ravens. And even if I took the time to do so, it would be far better use of my time than watching even one of these games.
NFL Network Set To Air Every Preseason Game [Awful Announcing]
• According to one economist, Electronic Arts has overcharged consumers $1 billion due to its monopoly on NFL video games. I’ve been had and I didn’t even know it! [Mouthpiece Blog]
• LittleWaynesBleedingHead takes a look at how Jeff Kent’s post-retirement life has been going. [The Rookies]
• FX is developing a show about fantasy football. Okey-dokey. [Warming Glow]
• You don’t have to look far at a sporting event to find stupid people. [The Sports Hernia]
• Wysh lists his 10 can’t-miss NHL games of the upcoming season. Sorry, some of them might be on Versus. [Puck Daddy]
• Voodoo Sabermetrics and Milton Bradley: a match made in heaven. [Babes Love Baseball]
Therefore, it will just like every other day I show up to this hell hole.
Just like when the USGA streamed the U.S. Open in June, PGATour.com is currently streaming the Open Championship.
Just click here to completely cockpunch workplace productivity. Let’s take it to the man or however the saying goes.
Enjoy. It’s been my pleasure to assist you in wasting your day away.
Tom Watson Turns Back Time
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Fifty-nine-year-old (59!) Tom Watson fired a five-under 65 and is currently on top of leaderboard at the Open Championship at Turnberry. Good on him.
“Not bad for an almost 60-year-old,” said Watson, who turns that age in September. “Obviously I enjoyed it. I played very well, kept the ball in play, made a few putts. The course was defenseless today. As a result, you’re seeing a lot of scores under par. I suspect by the end of the day, 65 will not be in the lead.”
Tiger Woods, meanwhile, struggled. He shot a 71 and is currently tied for 61st.
But the story right now is Watson. One has to wonder if he has enough game left to show the young whippersnappers how it’s done. You know, just like Cher has done. Without the plastic surgery and a transgendered child, of course.
Woods struggles as Watson turns back the clock [The Open Championship]
So, the ESPYs took place last night. Woo-hoo. Seriously, is there an awards show out there that generates less interest? Other than the Grammys, of course. Duh.
Disregarding who won which award (no spoilers!!!), what forward-thinking fashionistos (no homo) like me were interested in was the parade of star athletes moseying on down the red carpet with a little bit of eye candy on their arm. Let’s take a look, shall we?
UPDATED: Thanks to commenter ‘x’ who pointed out that these are from the 2008 ESPY Awards. If you weren’t aware of it by now, I can be a moron sometimes.
Apologies.
• NHL. John Tavares, the first overall pick in the draft by the New York Islanders, signed a three-year entry level contract with the team. [NHL.com]
• Courts. Former NFL running back Travis Henry has been sentenced to three years in person prison for his role in a cocaine distribution ring. [Denver Post]
• NFL. Terrell Suggs became the highest-paid linebacker in NFL history after he agreed to a six-year $63 million contract with the Baltimore Ravens. [The Baltimore Sun]
• After my lesson at the Amora Sex Academy, I took my study mannequin out for a ride on my motorcycle through the streets of Berlin while we listened to “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now” by Starship. At the Amora Sex Academy, people are instructed on how to improve their lovemaking skills by working on the errogenous zones of naked mannequins. There are “[m]ore than 50 interactive displays guide visitors through the intimate areas of the male and female bodies, offering helpful tips on everything from striptease to oral sex and how to achieve a perfect orgasm.” If you find yourself in Berlin with some extra time on your hands, be sure to stop by the exhibit and try out the “Spank-o-metre,” which measures how pleasurable your spanking technique is to a mannequin. Nope. Nothing weird about that. [Yahoo!/Reuters]
Note: for those of you too young to understand my “taking a mannequin out for a ride on a motorcycle” reference, after the jump is the trailer for the movie Mannequin.
They have consistently underachieved, their quarterback has some weird pooping disease and the team plays in the County Seat of White Trash County, Jacksonville, Florida. So how can I say that the fans of the Jacksonville Jaguars are lucky, you ask? The answer is simple:
No home preseason games will be shown locally for the upcoming season.
Because the games are not expected to sell out, they can’t be aired live locally under the NFL’s blackout rules. And the team’s preseason broadcast partner — Fox and CBS affiliate WTEV — will not produce the games for a tape-delayed broadcast, the station’s general manager said.
That…is…awesome. That means the fans will only be forced to endure watching two crapfests masquerading as NFL games. I know what you’re thinking, if you don’t want to watch preseason games, don’t watch them. But if you’re anything like me, you say every year that you aren’t going to waste 3-4 hours watching third-stringers whose name you will never again come the start of the regular season. Instead, I sit there like a moron watching John David Booty skipping passes to some rookie from East Bumblefuck State.
So, congrats, Jacksonville Jaguars fans. Go out and do something productive with your time – like painting your trailer or moving hubcaps from side of the yard to the other.
No home preseason games shown [ESPN]
Alright, first of all, this has to be the worst day of the year for televised sports as tonight’s schedule is an absolute wasteland of reruns of the Home Run Derby and 1998 NFL Wildcard. So, instead of even bothering with those, tonight’s “Stuff To” is sports-free. Enjoy. games.
• Fat Fuck Who Hasn’t Fucked. 650 Pound Virgin. It’s a story done a million times by Hollywood: guy balloons up to to 650 pounds; guy loses 400 pounds; guy decides he wants to make up for lost time and trade in his Big Macs for some good snatch. Watch his journey. [TLC, 10:00 ET]
• Not The Basic Cable Movie Of The Night. Cannonball Run II. Do yourself a favor: skip the entire a movie and tune in during the closing credits where they show the blooper reel. Watch Burt Reynolds do his trademark laugh 50 times. Really, that’s all you need to see. [CMTV, 9:00 ET]
• Oh, Bobby Flay, You Cad! Throwdown with Bobby Flay. Tonight’s episode: Fish Tacos. Stephanie March, his darling actress wife, ain’t going to like the sound of that, unless he’s actually making fish tacos, which he is – so what was my point? Linking to a photo of his wife, of course. She appears on his shows every once and a while and she’s seems really down to earth and cool. [Food Network, 9:00 ET]
• Watching this will just make me jealous. Extreme Barhopping. “Fully automated wine bar; largest ice bar in the world; $10,000 drink that comes with handcuffs; sneaking into two secret bars through a phone booth and a slide.” Oh man, is the day over yet? I’m dry as friggin’ dirt, people. [The Travel Channel, 8:00 ET]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (July 15th)
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• Punte has the scoop on the Gina Carano sex taps or tape. Sheesh. [With Leather]
• It looks like Dana Jacobson is back on the Belvedere again. [Awful Announcing]
• A welcome appearance by Marmalard on KSK. It’s been too long. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Hextall454 does his part in assisting all budding ice girls to realize their dreams. [Melt Your Face Off]
• ClintonPortishead addresses Diana Taurasi and her “extreme” DUI. You go girl! [Style Points]
Pictured to the left is Tatiata Kozhevnikova. She is a 42-year-old woman from Novosibirsk, Russia. She has a very strong vagina.
I’m going to leave the description to Total Pro Sports, since I won’t be able to top it:
At 42 years-of-age, she broke her old record by lifting a 14 kg ball with her vag. If you didn’t believe it before when we told you, check her out in this video. Tatiata gives us a little taste of her power with some interesting moves. It’s enough to make you imagine what a night with this blond Russian “super-pussy” may be like. If you are a boob man, you may wish to settle for the likes of Simona Halep or Denise Milani, but if you love the box, then Tatiata is your woman.
I don’t mean to use a played-out quote, but if there’s ever an opportunity for it, the time is now: I would say even if you are a fan of the box, you may want to steer clear of Ms. Kozhevnikova, because I suspect her “vazhïn hang like sleeve of wizard.”
Of course, video of her breaking her own record by lifting things with her snizz can be found after the jump. Although there is no nudity, the video does show a woman lifting weights with her crotch, so I guess you could say it’s kind of not safe for work-ish.
I understand that in the journalism business, pieces like this are referred to as “human interest” stories, the story behind the story, if you will. A way to illustrate and provide color to an otherwise straightforward event. Those journalists can call it whatever they want, I call this piece on Joe Buck in the USA Today some of the MOST MIND-BLOWING INFORMATION I HAVE EVER READ!
This bit of trivia may come as a surprise to many of you, but Joe Buck is from St. Louis. Read More→
A Tale of Two Favres
IT WAS the best of Favre, it was the worst of Favre, it was the age of Favredom, it was the age of Favreshness, it was the epoch of Favre, it was the epoch of Favreity, it was the season of Favre, it was the season of Favreness, it was the spring of Favre, it was the winter of Favre, Favre had everything before us, Favre had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way-in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.
Sigh.
• First Derivative makes the big time and lands an interview with former ESPN and SI columnist Jeff Pearlman. Bravo, sir. [The Phoenix Pub]
• Tony Romo, product spokesman? [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Video of San Diego Chargers QB Phillip Rivers getting schooled by a high schooler. [Shutdown Corner]
• Business_Socks shares a day in the life of Andre Rison. I can dig it. [Style Points]
• Chuck Knoblockhead breaks down the curse of the Home Run Derby. [The Rookies]
• Finally, after the jump, video of Erin Andrews being stopped by TMZ in an airport. Looks like she’ll make it after all.
Justin Morneau is mad as hell and he’s not going to take this anymore!
Prior to yesterday’s All-Star Game, the MLB had Sheryl Crow sing “The Star Spangled Banner” but when it came time for the Canadian National Anthem, no performer came forward. Instead, a pre-recorded version of “O Canada” was piped in through Busch Stadium’s sound sytem, and the Canadian Morneau was none too pleased.
“I wasn’t very impressed with that to tell you the truth,” Morneau said. “You figure they could find somebody to come and sing the song. They have a hockey team here, the Canadian teams play here.
Sidney Crosby has become the latest professional athlete to find himself entangled in a situation where he has to deal with an irritating online impostor.
A message sent Monday from the MySpace page, “If You See Crosby,” asked for help to raise $3,000 for Phelps Park in Minneapolis. In exchange for a donation, preferably sent via Western Union, “Sid” promised to send a “game-played, autographed stick,” the message stated.
“That is not Sidney Crosby,” Penguins spokesman Tom McMillan said Tuesday. “He does not have a MySpace page.”
Okay. Another question: people still use Western Union? Did I get sucked through some internet time-space continuum wormhole and end up in 2003? Clearly, whoever came up with this ill-advised scheme might be a few turnips short of a full load on the truck, as the old saying goes, which makes a lot more sense when it was discovered that the person behind the plot is a female professional wrestler from Minneapolis.
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