Archive for July, 2009
• MLB Roundup. Magglio Ordonez hit grand slam in the first inning, his first in seven years, helping Detroit build a seven-run lead only to have the Tigers almost blow it before holding on to beat the Mariners 9-7. Jayson Werth his a three-run homer with two out in the 13th inning, leading the Phillies to a 4-1 win over the Cubs and their 10th straight overall. Lefty John Lannan pitched his first career shutout as the Nationals blanked the Mets 4-0. [MLB.com Scoreboard]
• Olympics. Ending weeks of speculation as to whether or not he would be back, USA Basketball announced that Mike Krzyzewski will return as coach of the U.S. Men’s basketball team for next year’s World Championships and the 2012 Olympics. [HoopsWorld]
• Tour de France. Spaniard Mikel Astarloza won a stage for the first time, the 17th, but Alberto Contador retained the overall lead, leading Lance Armstrong by 97 seconds, who said that it would requir a “bad day” by Contandor for him to make a push to win the race. [Yahoo!]
• Maybe the officer thought the lemonade sales was a means to launder drug money…who knows? Seven children from a suburb of Philadelphia were told by an officer that they were violating the law by selling the lemonade without a permit, only to be corrected by Deputy Chief John Viola who informed him that the law does not apply to children under 16. Barney Fife and Rosco P. Coltrane would be proud. [Yahoo!/AP]
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking – it looks like she didn’t piss her pants at all – instead, it appears her beer overflowed and it has created the impression that she pissed in her pants.
See, that is where you’re wrong. In actuality, a common practice of the female habitual pants pisser is causing her beer to foam up due to her drunken histrionics due to how hilarious she thinks it is that she soaked herself.
With that said, I give you the Drunk Chick Who Thinks It’s Hilarious Every Time She Pisses Her Pants.”
• MLB Baseball. Chicago Cubs at Philadelphia Phillies. Wasn’t this the same matchup as last night? Well, if you missed it, here’s your chance to make up for it. [WGN, 7:00 ET]
• Classic Boxing. 1994: Evander Holyfield vs. Michael Moorer. The guy who did the documentaries Bowling for Columbine and Roger & Me was a professional boxer? Coulda fooled me considering his body type. [ESPN Classic, 8:00 ET]
• Don’t Hassle the Hoff, Unless You Got Some Hard Liquor. America’s Got Talent. Or, as I like to call it, America’s Got Too Much Time On Its Hands. [NBC, 9:00 ET]
• Basic Cable Movie of the Night. Commando. Ah-Nold at his ass-kicking best. Rae Dawn Chong in it, too. Huh. I did not remember that. Alyssa Milano is in the film as well, but she was 13, so don’t get any ideas, sickee. [AMC, 10:30 ET]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (July 21st)
Posted by:
• The Pope and the Tour de France. Two things Americans could care less about, we Godless heathens. [Bootlegger Sports]
• Update on why ESPN wasn’t covering the Ben Roethlisberger story. [Deadspin]
• More on the inflatable penis at the American Century Championship. [Busted Coverage]
• Elton John will be an honorary captain for the New England Patriots at a game next year. No homo. [Shutdown Corner]
• Wife stabs husband after coming home late after soccer match. Yeah, that sounds about right. [Deuce of Davenport]
So wait – does that mean he will be playing Madden or he won’t be playing Madden?
Damn you, confusing double negatives!!!
Apparently, Houshmandzadeh is unhappy with his overall rating of 91.
“Man, they don’t get my rating right,” Houshmandzadeh said while appearing on Colin Cowherd’s ESPN Radio show Monday. “I just looked at the game and they have this wrong and that wrong. And I understand I averaged 10 yards a catch (in 2008), but it’s the offense, man, not me.”
“I’m not playing Madden no more, until they get my rating right,” Houshmandzadeh said. “It might be a little pouting, too. It might be. But, you know, I used to be the best in the world at Madden, so I’m going to miss not playing it. But until they do me right, I’m not playing it no more.”
No, T.J., I don’t consider it pouting at all – much more like being a total crybaby bitch in my book. And it doesn’t help that he decided to air his make-believe video game grievances on Colin frickin’ Cowherd’s show. That upped the douche quotient by at least 45%.
And I hope EA Sports can somehow survive with T.J. boycotting Madden 10. I guess they will have to settle for $999,999,999,041.00 in total sales instead of the $1 billion they originally had in mind.
Houshmandzadeh: ‘I’m not playing Madden no more’ [Fox Sports]
Gregg Doyel is acting like he’s mad as hell and is going to pretend like he can’t take this anymore!
CBS Sports columnist Gregg Doyel has had it up to here (holds my hand near head) with you shameful horndoggers out there that search for pictures of attractive women on the internet – in particular those of you who would stoop so low as to search for images of Erin Andrews.
For those of you not familiar with his work, Doyel tries to pass himself off as “provocative” and “edgy” (hence the mohawk). In no way am I insinuating that Doyel isn’t a talented writer, just that his ire may be a bit misdirected in this particular instance.
• While it should come as no surprise that tWWL is not touching the Erin Andrews story (and perhaps rightfully so, to an extent), it is a bit odd that there has been nary a mention of The Ben Roethlisberger Situation. [Deadspin]
• Unsilent Majority’s keen observations on the Terrell Owens show. Spoiler Alert! He didn’t enjoy it. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• In a showdown between the careers of Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods, Charles Barkley would pick TW. [Awful Announcing]
• LeNoceur has the inside scoop on the next sideline reporter peephole video, and it ain’t pretty. [Melt Your Face Off]
• Business_Socks interviews Mike Shanahan. Here’s a tip: if you ever get the chance to interview the guy, it might be a good idea to address him as Mr. Shanahan. [Style Points]
• thederridadrop isn’t happy with the missed call at the plate from last night’s Oakland-Minnesota game and let’s umpire Mike Muchlinski know about it. [The Rookies]
Ben Roethlisberger has been named in a civil suit in connection to an alleged sexual assault of one Andrea McNulty, an employee of Harrah’s, a hotel and casino in Reno. According to Pro Football Talk:
In the civil suit, which Cornwell confirms was served on Roethlisberger over the weekend and a copy of which our own Gregg Rosenthal has obtained, McNulty alleges that Roethlisberger asked her to come to his hotel room to fix the television, and that he thereafter forced her to have sex with him.
Roethlisberger faces one civil count of assault, one civil count of sexual assault and battery, one civil count of false imprisonment, one civil count of false pretenses, one civil count of fraud, and one civil count of intentonal infliction of emtional distress.
McNulty also claims that the coworkers named in the complaint thereafter defamed her by making allegedly false and inflammatory statements, and by allegedly serving as aiders and abettors of Roethlisberger’s alleged misconduct after the fact.
Whether or not her allegations prove to be true or a complete fabrication, these developments are certainly not good news for the star quarterback. Simply having your name involved in reports with the words “sexual assault” can do irreparable damage to a person’s life, career and livelihood.
It’s been a trying year for Jose Guillen. After signing a 3-year, $36 million contract with Kansas City last December, it’s safe to say that the Royals expected a little more productivity out of their right fielder, who is currently hitting .243 with nine home runs and 37 RBI. Add in a slugging percentage of .371 with an OPS of .684 and one could argue that his season is on its way to being a complete bust for Guillen. And it’s safe to say that Guillen expects more out of himself as well – in fact, he thinks he sucks.
“I hate making excuses,” he said. “If I suck, then I suck. And I suck. That’s the way I’m playing. If you suck, you suck. You have to take responsibility in this game. Right now, that’s the way I feel.
“Yes, I suck.”
That sort of attitude ain’t going to get you anywhere, Jose! You need positivity with a capital ‘P’!
Thank you, Keyboard Cat, for playing off Tom Watson. We can now close the book on this chapter in golf history. Although he made a valiant effort and has inspired older weekend warriors the world around, once Keyboard Cat has had his say, we shall speak of it no more.
It’s in the Official Rulebook of Internet Memes, people. This we cannot argue.
Farewell, Tom Watson. We will always admire your inspiring display of grit and determination, but most importantly, we will always remember your pushed par putt on the 72nd hole at Turnberry.
Keyboard Cat Plays Off Tom Watson [The Sporting Blog]
• MLB Roundup. After leading 12-2 heading into the bottom of the 3rd, the Twins gave up 3 in the bottom of 3rd, 2 in the 4th and 7 in the 7th to squander a comfortable lead and lose to the A’s 14-13. Raul Ibanez hit a three-run homer, Carlos Ruiz and Josh Howard both homered as the Phillies won their 9th straight, beating the Cubs 10-1. Hideki Matsui lined a 2-2 pitch into the seats in the bottom of the 9th to lead the Yankees to a 2-1 victory over the Orioles. [MLB.com]
• College Football. The University of Iowa has signed head coach Kirk Ferentz to a seven-year contract, keeping the head coach with the school through the 2015 season. Ferentz will continue to make $3.02 million per season. [The Associated Press]
• I guess people in Iowa just don’t understand modern art. 21-year-old Matthew J. Sodoma has been charged with criminal mischief after he took a shit on the sidewalk in Elgin, Iowa and then proceeded to smear said feces all over the door of the Valley Community Coalition. Sodoma was also charged with “defecating on a public sidewalk or building,” which is funny in its own right in that I never thought there actually needed to be a law on the books that says you shouldn’t shit on a public sidewalk or building. But hey, at least Sodoma appears pleased with his actions in the mug shot:
Talk about a shit-eating grin. Or shit-taking grin, in this case. [Yahoo!/AP]
At some point over the past few weeks, months, years – it really doesn’t matter – the Miami Dolphins cheerleaders participated in Miami fashion week and modeled bikinis on the runway as they did their little turn on the catwalk, yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk, yeah did their little turn on the catwalk.
Extra ginormous photos (if you click on them) after the jump.
• MLB Baseball. Chicago Cubs at Philadelphia Phillies. Didn’t one of these teams win the World Series last year? I cannot for the life of me remember which one… [ESPN, 7:00 ET]
• Softball. 2009 KFC World Cup of Softball Presented by Six Flags Final: USA vs. Australia. When I think of softball, I think of KFC, but who doesn’t? [ESPN2, 9:00 ET]
• Anthony Bourdain Rules. Speaking of Australia, Anthony takes a trip down under to sample the local cuisine. Boy, is he going to be disappointed when he finds out they don’t have Outback Steakhouses down there. [The Travel Channel, 10:00 ET]
• Basic Cable Movie of the Night. National Lampoon’s Vacation. It’s nothing to be proud of, Rusty. [TV Land, 8:00 ET]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (July 20th)
Posted by:
• The Ballad of Michael Jordan and the Giant Inflatable Penis. [Busted Coverage]
• Jay Mariotti doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about. [Deadspin]
• Some Spanish soccer team’s Burger King sponsorship is downright creepy. [With Leather]
• Enjoy the carnage as ClintonPortishead discusses ESPN Los Angeles. [Style Points]
• pinellaspinata lays the smack down on a column by Norman Chad. [The Rookies]
In yet another case of an old guy who loves golf getting screwed over by some young hotshot whippersnapper, Alice Cooper must have been devastated to hear that Steve Nash has reportedly signed a 2-year, $22 million contract extension that will keep him with the Phoenix Suns for the forseeable future.
The person confirmed the agreement Monday, requesting anonymity because the official announcement hadn’t been made.
The deal will keep the two-time MVP point guard under contract with the Suns through the 2011-2012 season.
The 35-year-old Nash had one year left on his contract that would pay him $13 million next season.
Don’t worry, Alice. You’ll always be one of the ugliest people I have ever seen. At least you can hang your hat on that. Actually, on second thought, for the love of all that’s decent and holy, leave the hat on, Alice. Sheesh.
AP source: Steve Nash agrees to 2-year extension [Yahoo!/AP]
