Archive for July, 2009
Brace yourselves, Canadians: John Daly has been granted a sponsor’s exemption and will compete in the Canadian Open.
Daly is in the middle of a three-week stretch on the European Tour that will conclude next week with the British Open, where he is exempt as a former champion. The Canadian Open is a week after the British Open, held this year at Glen Abbey.
It’s nice to see that John Daly is committed to turning his life around and has rededicated himself to game of golf. Nevertheless, other than his outrageous outfits, the new John Daly is kind of boring. I’m not wishing for John Daly to hit rock bottom again, but maybe John can tip back a few Molsons, eat some poutine and a spend a night out with the McKenzie Brothers while he is in Canada and give us some old-fashioned, John Daly-style entertainment.
Did I get enough Canadian references in there? Oh, here is one more: after getting arrested by Mounties for public intoxication, he is released without any charges pressed after he amuses them with his John Candy imitation.
Yeah, that would be pretty cool.
Daly receives sponsor’s exemption to Canadian Open [The Associated Press]
Alexandre Pato, a striker for AC Milan, has wed 22-year-old Sthefany Brito, a Brazillian soap opera star. The ceremony was held in a downtown church in Reno with a reception afterward at the Copacabana Palace. Copacabana? Was Barry Manilow at the wedding? I suppose it really doesn’t matter whether Manilow made it to the wedding – with or without him, it looks like they made it.
Pato and Brito met in January 2008 and he reportedly dedicates goals to her by making a heart shape with his hands. Awwwwwwww…that’s so sweet – it makes my heart skip a beat when I see a man that pussy-whipped.
Be that as it may, perhaps we have to give Pato a pass on this one as Brito is quite the fetching lass. On to the photos! C’mon, you knew they were coming – as if I’m going to spend the time on a post about some soccer player’s weeding unless I found some nice photos of the blushing bride.
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• MLB Roundup. Andruw Jones homered in his first three at-bats as the Rangers blow out the Angels 8-1. With the help of two errors by Seattle second baseman Jose Lopez, Baltimore stormed back with five runs in the 9th, beating Seattle 5-3. Striking out 11 and and yielding only 5 hits, Wandy “My Parents Must Have Hated Me To Give Me That Name” Rodriguez led the Astros to a 5-0 victory over the Pirates. Chris Volstad also pitched five-hit shutout, his first complete game, as the Marlins blanked the Giants 7-0. [MLB.com Scoreboard]
• NBA. Rasheed Wallace made it official Wednesday by signing a two-year deal with the Boston Celtics. Next up for Boston, trying to lure Dikembe Mutombo or Hakeem Olajuwon out of retirement. You know, to infuse the roster with some young blood. [Boston Globe]
• Tour de France. Thomas Voeckler won the stage, but Lance Armstrong remained in second place after the 5th stage, less than a second behind Fabian Cancellara. I’d like to see them do it on unicycles. That would take considerable skill. [Yahoo!/AP]
• Man partially covered up with only a towel from the waist down pulled over by police informs them he lost his pants. 41-year-old Delaware resident Jonathan Schultz is facing drunken driving charges after police pulled him over for going 69 (dude!) in a 50-mph zone. Police discovered upon approaching the vehicle that Scultz “was driving commando.” Funny, I don’t remember that part from the Schwarzenegger flick. Did Alyssa Milano appear in that scene? [MSNBC]
Site News: Shit’s All Messed Up, Man
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For the many of you few Upstate Underdog, who routinely visits the site (thanks, UU!), you may have noticed an error screen with the message:
“This Account Has Exceeded Its CPU Quota”
“What does that mean?”, you may be asking yourself. And I’m here to answer that question:
I have no friggin’ clue.
Due to the repeated and increasing frequency of this error message, I will be temporarily shutting down S.O.B. so that I will have more time (I hope) to get to the bottom of this clusterfuck of a problem. Odds on me ascertaining the cause of the errors quickly are slim to none, but I assure you, I will do my very best to figure it out.
In the meantime, feel free to use this post (when S.O.B. is actually up and running) as an open thread in which you may take shots at me, my blog and my complete lack of knowledge on how all this shit works nor the ability to fix it.
Thank you for your patience. Apologies.
- Weed
Jason Whitlock Could Be The Best Ever, Nope…
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Jason Whitlock’s most recent column where he criticized Serena Williams for being an underachiever and having too big of a butt has created a veritable firestorm of condemnation across the internet. Being the nice guy that I am, I reached out to Mr. Whitlock and offered him a forum to defend what we wrote.
Whitlock did me one better – he actually re-wrote his column and directed the criticism onto himself. The changes he made to the original column are shown in bold.
Enjoy.
• MLB Roundup. Manny Ramirez was booed and ejected and the Mets have now lost nine of eleven after getting blanked by the Dodgers 8-0; Paul Konerko hit three home runs, including the go-ahead grand slam at Chicago beat Cleveland 10-6; Marcus Thames also hit three home runs and Justin Verlander struck out 11as the Tigers beat Kansas City 8-5; Cincinnati sort of avenged their 22-1 loss to Philadelphia, beating the Phillies 4-3. [MLB.com Scoreboard]
• National Hockey League. Joe Sakic is expected to announce his retirement Thursday after 20 seasons in the NHL. Sakic played his entire career for the Quebec Nordiques/Colorado Avalanche franchise and will finish 8th overall in total points (1,641), 11th in assists (1,016) and 14th in goals (625) in NHL history. [NHL.com]
• Tour de France. Despite his assurances that he would be a support rider for his Astana team, Lance Armstrong is now in second place, less than a second out of first, after his Astana team won the team time trial. [Yahoo!]
• It’s stories like these that make me proud to be a Minnesotan. A 20-year-old Minnesota woman may face up to five felony counts of harassment after prank-calling her grandmother 45 times in one day, claiming she was “bored” and “wanted to have some fun,” allegedly saying “I’m gonna kill you,” “You’re going to die,” and “I’m watching you.” Rumors are that after she said “I’m watching you,” she made a *clap clap* and said “I see your every move.”
Yeah, I went there. [Yahoo!/AP]
Last Call With Woody Boyd
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As I mentioned earlier today, I’ve really been under the gun at work lately. As I got further and further behind, I became very concerned that I would not be able to get to the post for Last Call tonight, so I got in contact with one of my best friends that resides in Imaginaryland (that’s the name of the place located deep in my psyche where characters from television shows and movies are real and real people don’t exist – I spend most of my time there). And sure enough, he was able to make it – good old Woody Boyd, whom you might remember as the naive country-boy bartender from Cheers. Thankfully, he was kind enough to take over hosting duties for me. Take it away, Woody.
Gosh, what a surprise it was to hear from Mr. Speed after all these years. Last time I heard from him, he was calling asking me to bail him out of jail or some such nonsense. We had a saying back in Hanover, that you shouldn’t do the crime if you can’t do the time. Since most of the folks in Hanover didn’t know how to read a clock with hands on it, most people couldn’t do the time in the first place. But I guess the saying still holds true anyway, even though most folks use digital clocks and all.
• Major League Baseball. Atlanta Braves at Chicago Cubs. Am I experiencing déjà vu all over again? This was the game featured in yesterday’s “Stuff To” post, correct? [WGN, 8:00 ET]
• Tour de France. Watch highlights from today’s stage when Lance Armstrong proved to the world that yes, he is still an egotisitcal asshole. [Versus, 8:00 ET]
•Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one? Series premiere: Ten Things I Hate About You. So, the new idea in Hollywood is to come up with shows loosely based on somewhat-decent flicks that starred Heath Ledger? If so, why did Versus pass on my Brokeback Mountain: The Series pilot? It would have been perfect with all the rodeos and outdoors stuff they air. Huh. [ABC Family, 8:00 ET]
• Basic Cable Movie of the Night. Chisum, starring John Wayne. Little known fact: writer Andrew J. Fenady originally intended for the title character played by John Wayne to be named John Jisum, but didn’t like the alliteration in the name. Yet, you have to assume the guy who wrote the porno version of the movie used that name as the title character. If not, I think I may have just come up with a great idea. [AMC, 8:00 ET]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (July 7th)
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• Jason Whitlock confuses me. That is all. [Deadspin]
• Two interesting reviews of ESPN’s “Sportsnation” show that come to pretty much the same conclusion. You can probably figure out on your own what that conclusion turned out to be. [The Big Lead & FirstCuts]
• Video of Santonio Holmes getting himself a new tattoo and begging for an ESPY. Huh? [PSAMP]
• Chad Ochocinco says he intends to Twitter during games next season. Yep, that’s so going to happen, right, Commissioner Goodell? [With Leather]
• Finally, it has been making its way around the tubes today, but here is that video of some girl breaking a beer bottle with a drive. Jay Busbee over at Devil Ball Golf speculates that his video may be fake, but I’m not buying it. If I found out even one thing I read or saw on the internet was untrue, I would surely lose my already-fragile grip on reality. [H/T Devil Ball Golf]
EMBED-Hot Girl Pulls Off Insane Golf Trick Shot – Watch more free videos
Are these two ever wearing any clothes?
In what feels like the 3,000th time, David Beckham and his wife Victoria are featured once again in another set of Armani underwear ads, and I have to tell you, these photo spreads get creepier and creepier with every passing shoot.
Seriously, what in the bloody hell is going on in this one?
“Okay, Victoria, you are a ruthless barely-clothed queen in the year 2369 and you have effectively seduced the king of a neighboring tribe that despite your similar desires to wear as little clothing as possible, have been mortal enemies for centuries. As you move in to draw the essence out of his body, you realize you have in fact not seduced him as he is actually not the king but an impostor from the past sent into the future to bring back stylish undergarments to an era where every man wore boxer shorts and women wore girdles…work it! Work it. Be the Queen, Victoria! ! Love the camera! What’s that? Why are you laying on a gigantic rope? Umm, it doesn’t matter. Oh, and Becks, um…why don’t you just sit there and do nothing…great. Beautiful!”
…Whoa. What just happened here? Why is my head spinning? Just a moment ago, I began writing a post about how hot Victoria Beckham looks in these new ads and I discover the above paragraph on the screen.
(notices several empty cans of ReddiWip strewn around desk)
Now when did I do those? Crazy friggin’ day, man.
Becks & Posh are in their underwear again [Epic Carnival]
The entire organization for the Iowa Chops, an AHL (American Hockey League) franchise, has been suspended for the upcoming season, due to violations of the league’s constitution and bylaws.
The Des Moines Register reported last month that club owners had used the franchise as collateral to obtain a loan, which is not allowed by league rules.
Well, it seems they got themselves involved is some pretty shady business practices, so I guess the suspension is warranted. But how can we go about having the same penalty imposed on the above-referenced teams? Even without egregious offenses that could potentially damage the well-being of their respective leagues, one would think that if an entire organization and its fanbase are nauseatingly irritating there should be something that can be done. Imagine how nice it would be to go through an entire MLB season without one mention of the Yankees and a whole NFL season going by with nary a peep about the Cowboys?
What a truly beautiful and glorious world that would be in which to live.
Dare to dream, people. Dare to dream.
AHL SUSPENDS IOWA FRANCHISE FOR 2009-10 SEASON [TSN.ca]
Yes, I know, I know – I’ve been leaning on these “Fun with Headlines” posts a little too often recently. I’ve been buried at work, I still want to make sure I get fresh content up and these are an easy means to accomplish that. Please bear with me – I’m slowly getting my head above water, so to speak, which is a good thing considering I’m a lifeguard.
I’m a bit confused about this headline on Reuters regarding Seattle Mariners pitcher Jarrod Washburn’s masterful performance last night when he shut out the Orioles 5-0. Why the quotes around “one-hitter”? Would they have used quotes around “no-hitter”? They didn’t place quotes around “shutting out” in the article. What gives? Should I be using quotes “right now” in describing their “use of quotes”? It’s all very confusing if you ask me.
• Lance Armstrong going back on his word? Never! [With Leather]
• Photoshopped Colorado Rockies baseball cards. [More Hardball]
• Darren Daulton sent Business_Socks an e-mail from the year 2070. That guy sure gets around. I’m referring to Darren Daulton – I think. [Style Points]
• More offseason LOLNFLs from KSK. My favorite one is the “Staying in Iraq is better than going to Pittsburgh” one. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Hextall454 once-again takes us inside the depraved reality that Islanders GM Garth Snow happens to reside. [Melt Your Face Off]
• Finally, Erik Estrada dishes on child pornography and Ron Jeremy while in the booth at a Cubs game. That’s just wrong what you did there, Ponch. [H/T Sports Rubbish]
Colombian soccer player Javier Florez is out on bail while the Court considers whether to charge him with murder amid allegations that he shot a fan that allegedly has repeatedly taunted him recently.
Javier Florez, who plays for Colombian team Atletico Junior, appeared Sunday before a public prosecutor near the Caribbean coastal city of Barranquilla.
Florez turned himself in to police several hours after the alleged shooting on Sunday.
The dead man was named as Israel Cantillo Escamilla, who was reported to have been among several fans who taunted Florez after a key loss against Once Caldas in the Colombia soccer league.
Clearly, Florez could not handle criticism very well. I guess this is as good a reason as any as to why he didn’t become a stand-up comedian like his parents hoped he would.
“What’s the deal with Ecuador? Like they couldn’t come up with a more creative name? Yes, you’re country is located on the equator – that’s great – but tell me something I don’t know. I mean, what gives, people, am I right?”
“You suck!”
(bang! bang! bang!)
Yeah, that wouldn’t have been good.
Colombian player accused of killing taunting fan [SI.com/AP]
Hoo boy, where to begin with this one. There’s simply too much crazy going on here. I ‘m afraid if I think too much about it, I’ll get sucked down into Artest’s vortex of insanity, never to return.
Yikes. Good luck with all that, Kobe.
[H/T Deadspin]
