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Gregg Doyel Thinks You’re A Disgusting Pervert

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Gregg Doyel is acting like he’s mad as hell and is going to pretend like he can’t take this anymore!

CBS Sports columnist Gregg Doyel has had it up to here (holds my hand near head) with you shameful horndoggers out there that search for pictures of attractive women on the internet – in particular those of you who would stoop so low as to search for images of Erin Andrews.

For those of you not familiar with his work, Doyel tries to pass himself off as “provocative” and “edgy” (hence the mohawk). In no way am I insinuating that Doyel isn’t a talented writer, just that his ire may be a bit misdirected in this particular instance.

Here is his “You call yourself a man? Not while Erin out your fantasies online” column broken down, with an obvious nod to the originators of the style, the former proprietors of Fire Joe Morgan. No one did it or will ever do it better – I am just a lowly imitator. Now, on to the column.

Note: I don’t know who exactly Doyel is writing this to, but it seems to me that it is directed at anyone who has ever looked at a photo of Erin Andrews on the internet, meaning everyone.

The tough guy comes out swinging:

You’re out there. I just know it. You’re reading this right now, aren’t you, you stupid little boy?

Why, yes. Yes I am. How does he know that?

And you are a little boy. I don’t care how old you are — you’re not a man. Not if you’re one of the thousands, probably hundreds of thousands, maybe millions, of American males slobbering over the Internet for images of ESPN sideline reporter Erin Andrews.

You’re not a man.

But what about my penis and love of sports and naps? Does that not make a man? I guess I don’t know.

Not only would he ever dream of stooping to that sort of misogynistic behavior, Gregg Doyel has the moral authority to call you out for your sick and twisted actions, even if you do happen to read his columns.

Problem is, you’re probably among my readers. Maybe even a regular reader. Maybe I need you, and CBSSports.com needs you, and any sports website needs you, to survive.

Maybe I’d rather not survive.

The disrespect to Gloria Gaynor aside, how does he know I’m not a man? How do I even know that Gregg’s a man? Doyel does make a lot of man friends. You know who’s a man, Greg? Charlie here, he’s a man. You know who else? Me. I’m a man.

I’m a man.

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that Doyel has contempt for his readers. All of the truly great artists usually found those who enjoyed their craft to be beneath their contempt.

Doyel than somehow manages to compare looking for Erin Andrews photos on the internet to the mockery of the male through telvision shows like The Simpsons and Family Guy:

You’re why men have become such an easy target. You know that? You’re the reason TV shows like The Simpsons and Family Guy and Married … with Children make a mockery of the American male. In commercials, the husband or father is almost always the comic relief.

I’m confused. I thought the purpose of comic relief was to be, you know, comic. I guess I’m not as smart as Doyel and are not aware of the subtle undercurrents of anti-male criticism that these simply atrocious shows spew out for an unsuspecting populace.

And since Gregg Doyel is now the Spokesperson and Champion for All Women Everywhere That Will Lift Men Out of Chauvinistic Behavior and Restore Dignity and Self-Respect to the Male Gender, if the female characters were used as comic relief, would that be degrading? Maybe we should simply ban comedy. Someone is going to get hurt. God, I just don’t know anymore.

He’s the slow-moving guy who misses out on the last Eggo waffle. Or the dimwit incapable of purchasing a CD on the Internet. Or the horny moron who walks into a plate-glass window when a pretty woman saunters past.

Mmmmmmmm….Eggo waffles….

That’s him.

Who?

Because you’re … you.

He’s right. I am me. There are simply no holes in his argument that I can find, but I pattern all of my moronic behavior after Homer Simpson, so there you go. But I can’t be alone, can I?

And there’s a whole lot of you out there. I could pretend you don’t know the latest Erin Andrews story, and dutifully lay out the background right now. But that would be ridiculous. Of course you know the latest Erin Andrews story. You’re part of the story. Hell, you are the story.

No! Not little old me! I feel so…significant! And why is it okay for Doyel to know the story and background and I’m some sort of ham-fisted deviant if I do? Is it because he’s a respected journalist? That’s what it must be.

Yes, you.

Yeah, I know. We already covered that. Actually, I’m getting the impression that Gregg wants to know who stole the cookie from the cookie jar.

Everyone: “Weed stole the cookie from the cookie jar.”

“Who me?”

Everyone: “Yes, you!”

“Couldn’t be!”

Everyone: “Then who?”

You know, I’m going to have to get back to you on that one.

Moving on…

You’re probably not the actual guy who drilled a hole into the wall of her hotel room and filmed her and then put it on the Internet. But chances are, you’re among the hundreds of thousands of guys who have searched the Internet for that video.

Nope, I ‘m not the actual guy, but nice try – maybe Doyel’s column will weed out the perpetrator. Also, I am not one of those people who searched it out, but even if I were, the ultimate responsibility falls on the douchetard who shot the video and subsequently posted it on the internet for everyone to see.

Which means you’re among the millions of American males who set this sick scenario into motion by congregating online at the altar of Erin Andrews Imagery. Objectification is yours!

So, according to Doyel’s twisted logic, anyone who has ever viewed a photo of Erin Andrews has blood on their hands in this situation. And can we even be certain at this point that the intention of the twisted individual who filmed the video was to record Erin Andrews, or is it possible he  is just a voyeuristic sick fuck who does this all the time and just so happened to stumble upon Erin Andrews’ hotel room? Is the worshipping of Erin Andrews on the internet a little over the top? Absolutely. Does that mean anyone who ever posted and/or commented on an Erin Andrews story on a sports blog is responsible for this terrible situation? Absolutely not. Further, why is this an American issue? The last I heard, the internet is a global phenomenon available in country’s outside the United States – even those countries with more brown people than white people. I know, Gregg – hard to believe, isn’t it?

And you’re this country’s next wave of husbands and fathers. Terrific.

Yeah, someone who thinks Erin Andrews is attractive and may have seen photos of her on the internet AND watches The Simpsons should be castrated on the spot. We don’t need unbalanced people like that reproducing. At least in “this country,” right Gregg?

Honestly, I don’t know why I’m even bothering.

No kidding. You should stop right now.

You don’t, and you won’t, see your problem. Addicts or idiots — and you are very possibly both — never do.

My name is Weed Against Speed and I’m an idiot addicted to the photos of women on the internet. Does anybody know if there is a support group for this afflication? Some sort of 12-step program? I can only imagine the thousands of homes across America that have been affected by due the disease of Erin-Andrewsitis. Probably more than Parkinson’s. Those sad souls afflicted with this condition are deserving of our pity, not our scorn.

You think it’s fine to scour the Internet for pictures of Erin Andrews and then find the nearest message board and type, “I’d hit it.”

It’s not? Seems like a victimless crime to me. You see, the difference here is that anonymously saying you would “hit it” does no real actual damage. That’s why it’s not illegal. Is it lame? Of course. Is it childish and stupid? Of course. But not illegal or even immoral, for that matter.

I hope I’m not going too fast for you, Gregg.

As if you’d have a chance at Erin Andrews.

Thanks for ruining all of my dreams, Gregg. I thought we really connected through my television.

Or any attractive woman.

I don’t think my wife is going to appreciate that, Gregg.

See, the general rule of thumb is this: If you’ve ever uttered the words I’d hit it … then you really wouldn’t. Because you couldn’t.

I have to disagree with that statement. I’m pretty sure Luther Vandross got it on with lots of ladies, God rest his soul.

Because you’re a loser.

So why don’t you kill me?

Ask the woman who works in the cubicle next to you. (First, take your eyes off her breasts.)

Do you mean his breasts? He has a glandular problem.

You’re the guy who goes to strip clubs and shoves $1 bills into a stranger’s g-string while she dances in your lap, and you’re stupid enough to think you’ve scored.

Dude, that’s where you’re wrong. She was totally digging me.

Your capacity for self-delusion is exceeded only by your incapacity to attract an actual (free) woman.

I have no idea what slavery has to do with any of this.

So you go to strip clubs or hire a prostitute or, if you’re cheap…

For your information, I’m not cheap. My mom won’t let me use the car every time I ask.

…you congregate on the Internet and study YouTube videos of Erin Andrews. Look, loser — there’s her butt!

Where?!? Don’t tease me, bro!

But when something like this happens …when there’s a report of an actual video of Erin Andrews naked in her hotel room…

Most of the people who you are so quick to condemn as idiot addict pervert mouth-breathers who watch Family Guy and should never have a child since they are out hiring prostitutes all of the time have generally condemned the deplorable actions of this ONE PERSON WHO FILMED ERIN ANDREWS IN HER HOTEL ROOM – not a cabal of sports bloggers hell-bent on ruining the career of a very talented sports personality who also happens to be an attractive, intelligent young woman.

Meltdown.

The Internet goes nuts. According to Google Trends, which tracks web searches, the Erin Andrews hotel video was the single most-searched item on the Internet this weekend. The search peaked Monday morning at about 9:20 a.m. ET, which means guys along the East Coast reported to work and got down to serious business — looking for this damn video.

Fucking East Coast bias, man. When will it end?

Guess what was No. 2 on the Google Trends list? A search for someone called “Aaron Andrews.” I’m not making that up. And just missing the top 10 was the search for “Erin Anderson.” I’m not making that up, either. So not only is the typical American male horny and hopeless — he’s stupid.

Horny, hopeless and stupid is no way to go through life, son.

But he’s real. And apparently, since I’m an American male myself, he’s … me.

The killer in me is the killer in you, Gregg. Send this smile over to you.

Now you see why I’m so angry?

Oh man, Erin shot you down, too? Say it ain’t so, Gregg!

Because you make me look bad.

I don’t know. That mohawk you’re sporting in that photo indicates to me that can do a fine job of that on your own, Gregg.

It’s not like I know Erin Andrews, because I don’t.

Keep saying that to yourself. The restraining order indicates she knows who you are.

And it’s not like I’m hoping she’ll read this column, because she probably would prefer this whole thing to go away. The less said about it, the less focus on it, the better. That’s probably her position, so my story is just one more log on the fire.

So, the less said about it, the better – unless it can generate you and CBSSports.com a sick amount of page views by punnily inserting her name into the title of your column and rising above all the scumbags and garbage on the internet by admonishing them for their disgusting and horrible acts.

Doyel (imagined): “People taking advantage of Erin Andrews by discussing her on the internet constantly and victimizing her by looking at photos of her is wrong, dammit! We should leave her alone, you degenerates. But before we do that, read my column about Erin Andrews! Did I tell you it was about Erin Andrews? Yeah, it should go away but not until I’m done riding that gravy train. ERIN ANDREWS! ERIN ANDREWS! ERIN ANDREWS!”

The maker of the video is trying to sell it, according to TMZ.com.

And most people agree that this guy is a no-good scumbag who should be prosecuted for violating her right to privacy. A photo of her covering a basketball game, on the other hand, is an entirely different thing.

On the message board below TMZ.com’s story about its refusal to purchase the video, a typical American male whose screen name is “schlepptomaniac” wrote the following:

Saw the video…I’d piihb.

Yeah, if I ever were to try to create a composite of the average American male, one of the first attributes I would ascribe to him would be someone that comments on TMZ under the handle “schlepptomaniac.” His beliefs, level of education, personality, and values would probably be in lockstep with 90% of the male population of the United States, right?

“Piihb” is shorthand I’ve never seen before, but I can guess what it means. (“Put it in …”) When did the typical American male becomes such a sick freaking dumbass?

Dude, isn’t it obvious? When Married With Children debuted. Duh!

Meanwhile, this whole video thing has created a cottage industry unto itself. There’s the video sales aspect, and the overheating search engines. And there’s this: Makers of Internet viruses are capitalizing on the typical American male’s desperate lust by attaching a computer virus to various “Erin Andrews video” search results.

Those no good hackers! This is the first time I have ever heard of them doing something that could harm others. I hope this is a one-time thing.

Ironic, no?

Well, it’s not like rain on your wedding day but I see where he’s going with this line of thinking.

You wanted to see Erin Andrews naked. Instead you caught a disease.

Please let it not be syphillis. Please let it not be syphillis.

I hope it rots and falls off.

My penis? That’s not very nice.

Your hard drive, I mean.

How does a hard drive rot and fall off? Does the extended warranty on my Dell laptop cover this sort of thing? Please say it does.

You call yourself a man? Not while Erin out your fantasies online [CBSSports.com]

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