Last Call With The “I Don’t Have Enough Cash When The Tab Comes” Guy
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Hello there, friends, and welcome to another Tuesday night Last Call here at the Sportress. As it has become a custom recently, I am turning over the reins of the Last Call intro to someone familiar to all of us: the guy in your group that when you go out drinking, insists on having a tab for the entire table. There is one of them in every group of friends, so without further ado, here’s Dave the “I Don’t Have Enough Cash When The Tab Comes” Guy.
Dudes! Aw, man, the bathroom was packed! Oh, the tab, huh? How much is it? 240 bucks? Holy shit, we ordered WAY too many rounds of shots tonight. Well, make that I did. So, how much is that apiece? We’re splitting it, right? I’m so buzzed up right now I couldn’t even begin to figure out which drinks I ordered and they’re starting to corral everyone out of here so maybe we should just split it evenly and go from there…sound good?
Alright, how many of us are there? Six? Okay, $240 divided by six is what, $80? What do you mean you only had six tap beers and that’s not fair? Those Buttery Nipples I ordered and put in front of you didn’t drink themselves, did they? No, I’m not a homo for ordering them and yeah, I understand the concept of buying rounds of drinks but we’re all friends here, right? What about that time I gave you a ride home from my house? Yeah, I know it’s because my landlord towed your car after I told you it was cool to park there but what gives? Bros before hoes, man, amirite? No, I’m not saying your car is a ho, it’s just that….c’mon man, are we cool?
Alright, $80…lemme see here…
(opens up wallet)
Aw man, I only have…$43. Aww, I totally spaced that I gave that chick $50 last night for a cab ride home from the bar last night – stupid bitch never called me either. So-uh, can you guys front me the rest and we can be on our merry way? You know I’m good for it…actually, I need this money because I have to pay my roommate back tomorrow for the money he lent me at the bar last week…how about you guys split it up and I’ll catch you when I get paid on Friday….cool?
Hey, who wants to go to Denny’s and grab some grub? I’m fucking starving, man, and I heard they have a radical new menu.
Speaking of menus, I guess I’m supposed to do some shit here where I tell you homos what’s on the agenda for Last Call tonight.
Blogetizers
- Skating Tomato discusses the New Jersey Devils and their recent hiring of Jacques Lemaire to fill their coaching vacancy. [The Rookies]
- samerochocinco breaks the bad news that awesomely-named Stryker Sulak got cut by the Raiders. [Second-String Fullback]
- Magnakai Haaskivi introduces us to the 2009 MLS All-Stars. [Avoiding the Drop]
- First Derivative counts down the Top 5 songs heard at live events. [The Phoenix Pub]
The Main Course
- LeVon & Barry and $240 worth of pudding. Awww yeah.
Dessert
- a double-dip of Isla Fisher
Music by:
- Violent Femmes
Alrighty then, and away we go…
Woo! Found The Princess Bride on ABC Family. Last hour of it, but hey.
@Sculptor?!?,
guess what movie Miley Cyrus wants to “remake”?
@Thundercracker, Oh Gods no. Please not this movie.
@Sculptor?!?,
they’re scrounging for “interested writers” as Disney tries to get adaptation rights for the book.
@Thundercracker, Kill her. Kill her now. Robin Wright Penn, she’s not.
@Thundercracker: The Devil In Miss Jones?
My afternoon consisted of being scrotum-fondled by an elderly Chinese fellow and being given a fistful of Vicodin.
How’s everyone doing tonight?
@Magic’s Johnson: So I’ve see you’ve met Mr Wong in the alley by McDonalds
@Sex Fabregas, Some might call him Mr Wight.
I think they’re called hopeless addicts.
@Magic’s Johnson, Well. I thought you had a fiancee for that. She shouldn’t be delegating that duty until AFTER you’re married.
@Magic’s Johnson,
If anyone’s looking for some free advice, don’t ever put yourself in a position where you might have a hernia 12 days before you get married. Fucking Christ.
@Magic’s Johnson: I suppose that’s better than being fisted by an elderly Chinese man and having your Vicodin fondled.
Wait. What?
@Weed Against Speed, Hey, did we go to the same summer camp?
Hi folks, popping in to say hi before I get changed for harry potter!!
@FirstDerivative, You’re going in costume? Have fun actually being able to hear anything the characters are saying over the din of other costumed movie-goers.
@Craig Esherick’s Mustache,
he should still be able to hear the dialogue, I imagine the crowd being the types that download the movie before watching it so they can recite the lines verbatim through the first showing.
I’ve never seen 4 seconds of any of the Harry Potter films, but hope its enjoyable for ya FD.
@FirstDerivative, What are you, INSANE? You’d better have a write up on this tomorrow. Because decking little kids to get a good seat counts as sport.
@FirstDerivative, I’ll take Muggles over Twitards any day of the week and twice on Sundays. At least the Muggles aren’t reading shitty, shitty writing with shitty, shitty ideas about gender, stalking and sex.
@Craig Esherick’s Mustache, Oh, so you’ve READ the Twilight series then?
@Sculptor?!?, No. I go to io9.com pretty regularly, and read their takedowns/links to takedowns of the Twilight series. Between the quoted prose (which makes Deadspin’s Purple Prose series look like Hemingway) and the story summaries, that’s all I need.
Also, there’s Stephen King’s terse summary – she can’t write worth a damn.
@Craig Esherick’s Mustache, He’s right (even if he’s lost his touch a long time ago).
Evening Last Callers. Watching my first baseball of the season, trying to care. Anyone else sick of the Albert Pujols coronation yet? And I’m pulling for the NL too.
@lowercase, No. He doesn’t get the press he should. It’s why he got robbed of the 2006 MVP. And it’s his home stadium.
@lowercase, I’m still trying to figure out how I manage to tune during every single mention of the President’s first pitch, or how great it must be to meet the President, or how the President would appreciate it if I visited some website.
The game is on MSNBC, right?
@lowercase, Dude, I love Albert Pujols and I’m a Red Sox fan. There’s a reason they call him “The Machine”.
@TheJerseyDevil, REPLY FAIL.
@TheJerseyDevil: They call me “The Machine” for entirely different reasons, if you catch my drift.
I guess it is mostly due to my last name being Machine.
@Weed Against Speed, Understandable. Sort of like when they’re not booing, they’re saying…no, wait, they’re just booing.
and when did They decide that caps come off during God Bless America? I have no issue with the song, nice song, etc. But certain traditions are reserved for The Anthem, and I’d think that’s one of them.
@lowercase,
if we see caps coming off for “Cotton Eye Joe” we’ll start some sort of petition.
@lowercase, Just wait until they introduce the 3rd inning stretch (with “America the Beautiful”) and the 5th inning stretch (with “Yankee Doodle Dandy”).
It’s going to be AWESOME.
@lowercase, Even though I laugh every time I hear the name, I like Pooholes. He’s a solid player, and it’s enjoyable to watch him play.
@Sculptor?!?, hee hee… Pooh-holes… I enjoy acting like a 4 year old, sometimes.
@Rob in WI, exactly. I make no apologies for having a sophomoric sense of humor.
@Sculptor?!?, Ditto.
Thanks for the Femmes video… but Isla Fischer can’t hold Amy Adams something or other.
Good evening Last Callers. What have I missed the last few days?
@Rob in WI, Amy’s sweet. Isla’s hot.
But, again, I’d take Anne Hathaway over either in a heartbeat.
@Craig Esherick’s Mustache, My boss and I have the eternal Amy vs Anne debate almost daily at work. Of course, he’s a creepy old man, where as I’m a less creepy non-old man.
Oh Amy Adams… sigh.
I love the tarp over the camera behind home plate, it looks like some sinister comic book villain is watching the game
Wow, this thing might actually end before midnight!
(Realizes that upon saying that every at-bat from here on out will go on for at least 20 minutes.)
@TheJerseyDevil,
when the first two at-bats in the Obama inning went by in like 15 seconds I was waiting for an irate FOX director to start screaming obscenities and throwing shit
@TheJerseyDevil, Before… midnight? despite the 15 minute commercial breaks? (or did that Taco Bell commercial only seem that long?)
@Rob in WI, they stretched it to about the time it takes for their products to pass through the average human.
@Rob in WI, Yeah, maybe that was a little optimistic.
joe please don’t discuss strategy about “winning to get home field advantage in the world series” cause it just pisses me off thats a factor & possible
@Thundercracker, &1.
What’s next, pre-season records to determine where the super bowl is held? Because exhibitions are exhibitions.
@Thundercracker, But…but…This time it counts! ™
@Green Eggs and Fulham, Look how disappointed the NL guys are to have lost! That means that one or two of their beloved all-star teammates won’t have home field this fall.
Oh, wait, they don’t care.
I just couldn’t keep my mouth shut, could I?
We’re gonna be here all night.
well time for some delayed dinner, have a good one all, and take care
Hello?
This may be one of the dumbest things I’ve read in a long time. From Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel columnist:
This is probably just me, but I’d rather see a skills contest with a guy trying to lay down a bunt. Or if someone could hit the cutoff man or go from first to third on a single to left-center.
Really? A bunting derby? Really?
I’m back…anyone still here?
I’m here. But like the sports world, it’s a sloooooow night tonight.
@Craig Esherick’s Mustache, Can’t sleep. Again…this sucks.
@Magic’s Johnson, Sorry to hear that.
Anyone still here or should I sweep the floors?
@MorelOrelHershiser, Yes. But I’m not sure what there is to talk about right now.