Archive for June, 2009
In scanning the headlines today, I noticed that FoxSports.com writer Jon Paul Marosi wrote an article entitled, “Is Jeter’s Defense Getting Better With Age?”
Without bothering to read the article (I’m very busy, you know), I can tell you unequivocally that yes, Jeter’s defense is better now that he is older. Why? The answer is simple:
With age comes wisdom – and with that additional experience and knowledge, Jeter now realizes if he makes it a routine to take his Valtrex right away in the morning, he is much less likely to forget. Remember kids, defense is the best offense – especially when it comes to dealing with the herp.
Unfortunately, it won’t help any of these ladies:
Tiger Woods Is Not A Heartless Robot
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In a display of sportsmanship, class and empathy, Tiger Woods opened up about his supposed nemesis Phil Mickelson and what Phil and his family are going through as Amy Mickelson battles breast cancer.
(Image courtesy of TheShoeGame.com via FirstCuts)
(insert rockin’ keyboard solo)
While obviously wearing his Bad Idea jeans, Eddie Van Halen has decided to sue Nike over shoes. Yep. Shoes.
Pictured above is a shoe from Nike’s new line, Down Lows, which Van Halen alleges violates the trademark design of his red, white and black striped “Frankenstein” guitar, as well as his own line of shoes, EVH, of which a sample pair is pictured after the jump.
Jump!
Oh man, when Berman sees this headline, he’s sure going to be pissed. His whole intro when he kicks off ESPN’s coverage of the first two rounds of the U.S. Open on Thursday is completely shot. I’m sorry, but the Bermanator has been crafting and cultivating his schtick for 30 goddamn years and he isn’t going to let some two-bit print journalist come in and take a shit all over it. And in such a hacky way as well – it’s “New York State of Mind,” not “Open State of Mind.” The beauty is in the simplicity, you morons! It’s like these headline writers have never incorporated a Billy Joel song into a lame sports reference before – JESUS!
Now, it’s back to the drawing board for Berman. No “New York State of Mind” for him. I guess he’ll have to come up with another Billy Joel song to bastardize. I’m sure Berman will be able to pull it off – he is “The Entertainer” after all. Whatever you do, don’t go changin’ to try and please us, Chris – we love you just the way you are.
God, that sucks. Maybe Billy Joel references aren’t going to work now.
Say, I wonder if the Eagles wrote any songs about New York…yeah, that’s the ticket.
Woods Makes Time for Small Talk, but He’s in an Open State of Mind [The New York Times]
Chris Berman ready to call the U.S. Open [Newsday]
• MLB Scoreboard. Joe Mauer went 4-4, raising his batting average 15 points to .429 as the Twins beat the Pirates 8-2. David Ortiz homered in a six-run 4th inning, pacing the Red Sox to a 8-2 victory over the Marlins. Gil Meche pitched a four-hit shutout, leading Kansas City to a 5-0 win over Arizona. Tampa Bay halted Colorado’s 11-game winning streak with a 12-4 win. Albert Pujols hit his fifth homer in five games as the Cardinals whipped the Tigers 11-2. Ivan Rodrugeuz made his 2,226th appearance behind home plate, tying Carlton Fisk’s Major League record, in a 6-1 Texas win over Houston. The White Sox-Cubs game was postponed due to rain. [MLB.com Scoreboard]
• College World Series. Dustin Ackley went 4-5, becoming the all-time hits leader in College World Series history, as he led North Carolina eliminated Southern Mississippi with a 11-4 victory. [Yahoo!]
• Steroids. According to a report in The New York Times, Sammy Sosa failed a drug test in 2003. Shocking. I’m seriously blown away. * yawn * [AP]
• Courts. Former Major Leaguer Mel Hall is facing life in prison after he was found guilty of sexually assaulting a 12-year-old girl he coached in basketball in the late 1990s. [Fort Worth Star Telegram]
• Sorry, you old fogey, but my guess is if there is something referred to as an early bird special in prison, it has nothing to do with eating. Rayfield Dupree was sentenced last Friday to five years in prison for illegally selling OxyContin. Dupree will be eligible for parole in 20 months, if he makes it that long. Sure, what he did was illegal, but at least he was still out there living his life. That’s nice. [Yahoo!/AP]
Greetings, everybody. Welcome, welcome, make yourself at home. As mentioned above, tomorrow is your host’s birthday, so I’m considering having Last Call here tonight on the Sportress an early birthday present. Thanks to everyone for stopping by.
How old will I be, you ask? I’m sorry, that information is classified.
Alright, that’s more than enough chit-chat about me, let’s get this thing going, shall we?
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• Major League Baseball. Chicago White Sox at Chicago Cubs. Watch Ozzie Guillen take a dump on the pitcher’s mound – hey, it could happen. [WGN, 8:00 ET]
• College Baseball. NCAA World Series: Arizona State at Texas. With these two teams playing, there will probably be some good lookin’ gals in the stands. That’s something. [ESPN2, 7:00 ET]
• PGA Golf. Live from the U.S. Open. It’s never too early to start getting amped up for Bethpage. I, for one, cannot wait for this weekend. [Golf Channel, 9:00 ET]
• Basic Cable Movie of the Night. Citizen Kane. I am a student of classic cinema, and I’ll tell you this: Citizen Kane is Mickey Rooney’s finest film. Why are you looking at me like that? [TCM, 8:00 ET]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (June 16th)
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• Beer-loaded fake boobs? Why didn’t I think of that? [With Leather]
• Ocho and Carson Under One Roof! [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Hockey journalist extraordinaire James Mirtle is all over the Phoenix Coyotes situation. [From The Rink]
• Be sure to head on over to Style Points and take part in the “Plaxico’s Career Options” poll. [Style Points]
• Spooky St. Louis Cardinals personalized jersey! Zoinks! [Joe Sports Fan]
Just in time for the Cubs-White Sox series starting tonight, here’s a video (H/T Big League Stew) of White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen and Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano appearance in a Venezuelan Pepsi commercial.
Now, I don’t speak Spanish fluently, but I think the message of the ad is the only way Ozzie and Carlos can escape their jobs as costumed gay prostitutes is to provide their pimps with Pepsi. Something like that, at least.
Either way, I wonder if Ozzie pukes every time he sees this horrible, horrible commercial.
So much for black being slimming, huh? Aww, I’m just kidding – fat jokes are pretty low – especially from me, who falls much closer to the Stan Van Gundy side of the spectrum than his brother Jeff’s weight. The story here isn’t about Brother Jeff or Brother Stan’s weight.
Instead, the story is about how Jeff Van Gundy performed in the awkward role of covering his brother’s team during the NBA Finals. Brother Jeff seemingly did a decent enough job remaining impartial during his coverage of his brother’s Orlando Magic squad’s loss to the Los Angeles Lakers in the NBA Finals. Actually, impartiality was never the problem – it was the fact that he completely disappeared during parts of the Finals, especially during Game 5 when the Magic were getting throttled by the Lakers en route to Los Angeles’ NBA championship.
Brandon Marshall wants out of Denver. I know, I know, a wide receiver acting out? Shocking, I agree. Nevertheless, Marshall is unhappy with his contract, which would pay him $2.198 million in salary this upcoming season – a pittance by modern NFL standard. And like his former teammate Jay Cutler before him, the wide receiver is attempting to use immature and disruptive behavior to get out of Denver, skipping all three the Broncos’ mandatory minicamp sessions over the weekend. The Broncos intend to him Marshall where it hurts: in the wallet.
Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte Stallworth pleaded guilty to DUI Manslaughter and will serve 30 days in jail in connection with a car crash on March 14th that killed 59-year-old pedestrian Mario Reyes. The plea agreement more than likely had something to do with Stallworth and his attorneys reaching a confidential civil settlement with the victim’s family.
• Skip Bayless admits Brett Favre is “still good lookin’ dude.” [The Rookies]
• Bonnie Bernstein, lesbian. Oops, I mean thespian – I always get those two mixed up – I suppose that’s why I was just fired as director of the fall play at Vassar. [Awful Announcing]
• If you’re not reading Will Leitch’s “Ten Humans” column on Deadspin every week, you’re missing out. [Deadspin]
• The real loser of this year’s Stanley Cup Finals – the Meteor. [Melt Your Face Off]
• ClintonPortishead salutes Phil Jackson, roast-style. [Style Points]
• Alabama golfer golfs 500 holes in a row. Crazy. [Devil Ball Golf]
After Kellogg’s famously dropped Michael Phelps as a spokesperson after a photo surfaced of the 14-time Olympic medalist taking a hit off a bong at a party, some wondered if the Michael Phelps brand had been irreparably damaged. As is this case with most things, time heals all wounds and Michael Phelps is set to announce an endorsement deal with H2O Audio and their waterproof headphones. Phelps prefers to use H2o’s headphones during training sessions because they do not fall out when he makes turns in the water.
Disappointingly, Michelle Wie failed to qualify for the U.S. Women’s Open, shooting a 74 in the second round of qualifying, missing the cut by one shot. This will be the first time since Wie was 13 that she will not play in the Open.
