Archive for June, 2009
The DUI trial for the NFL’s all-time sack leader Bruce Smith has been postponed until July 9th. He was charged last month with a DUI and refusing to take a breath test after being pulled over in Virginia Beach.
If I were Bruce, I wouldn’t worry too much about the outcome of this trial. It’s not like he ran over and killed anyone. Maybe Donte Stallworth’s attorney is licensed to practice in Virginia as well as Florida. Given the facts of the case and the fact Smith is a former NFL superstar, Stallworth’s attorney could probably get the cop who pulled Smith over sentenced to 30 days in jail.
Only in America.
DUI trial for all-time sack leader Bruce Smith delayed [NFL.com/AP]
• Gourmet Spud dazzles with his take on how an episode of MTV’s Cribs would go if Marian Hossa was featured. [Food Court Lunch]
• Stupid schoolteacher. What on earth were you thinking? Haven’t you ever heard the urban legend behind “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins? [Style Points]
• ESPN “personality” Kevin Negandhi is a Twitter whore. [The Rookies]
• Monday Morning Punter implores people to stop comparing Donte Stallworth’s sentence to what Michael Vick received. Brilliant analysis. Great work, Punte. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Pack it up, folks. It’s the beginning of the end of human civilization as we know it. Can’t say that I mind – I don’t want to live in a world where Chris Berman has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. [Busted Coverage]
• ESPN’s Chris McKendry hates “soccer snobs.” Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. [The Big Lead]
This is so full of win, I have nothing to add. Simply bask in its brilliance.
Although I suppose I should mention that U.S. Customs agents arrested Ryan Leaf as he attempted to cross the U.S./Canadian border last night.
I guess Leaf shouldn’t have tried to smuggle that Canadian flora and fauna into the country – the border patrol will nail you every time. Of course, by flora and fauna, I mean a sack of tasty Vancouver buds and one of those psychoactive toads. That’s just how Leaf rolls, people.
Ryan Leaf, Mel Hall Win Free Government Lodging for Various Terms. [The Sporting Blog]
RYAN LEAF MADE A RUN FOR THE BORDER [With Leather]
I guess you can never tell a book by its cover. Outdoor enthusiasts must have been pretty bummed out when they heard the news that former mountain biking world champion Melissa “Missy” Giove was arrested on federal drug charges after she was pulled over in upstate New York driving a truck and trailer which was loaded with almost 200 pounds of marijuana.
Here’s a little sneak preview of Anna Rawson’s GoDaddy commercial which is set to debut during coverage of the U.S. Open. For those of you not familiar with her, Anna Rawson is a professional golfer (although I do not recall ever hearing her name mentioned in connection with an LPGA tournament) who also happens to be a relatively handsome woman.
Okay, it’s not the sexiest ad (read: needs more lesbianic overtones), but we”ll take whatever we can get when it comes to Anna Rawson, right?
I don’t know why, but that genie kind of creeps me out – for some reason, I believe viewing this commercial may one day evoke a repressed memory of my church group’s trip to the beach when I was 9, but I’m not certain.
Moving on to the lovely Anna’s acting ability, I’d be willing to give her nine-and-a-half.
BOOOO-YAAAAHHHHH! Zing!! * honk honk* *barrroooo barroooo**eeeorrr eeeeorrr* Hubba hubba!
God, I’m so lame.
[H/T Devil Ball Golf - you're doing the Lord's work, sir]
To be honest, if this was a head-to-head matchup regarding dancing ability or quality of kidney functioning, I would have to go with Reno. On the other hand, if this were about the ability to negotiate a peaceful resolution with a messianic religious cult, I’d have to go ‘Zo. Basketball? Probably Mourning, but I haven’t seen the former Attorney General ball so it’s hard to say.
But this isn’t about any of these things – it’s about who should have a school named after them in Miami. From Game On!:
The Miami-Dade County School Board is scheduled to make that choice today, as it debates what to name a new school in North Miami.
The city council wants to name it after the Miami native who became the first female U.S. attorney general. But, according to CBS/Channel 4, the county’s school naming committee voted to name it after Mourning, the former Miami Heat basketball star.
Hmmm…this is certainly a tough call. Playing the Reno-deserves-it angle, you have a well-respected woman who rose to one of the highest offices in the land in her chosen profession and for Alonzo, you have a real tall guy who seems pretty nice and could play basketball pretty well.
Hoo boy, this is a tough call – a tough call, indeed. I say they arm wrestle for it, may the best man – er, person, win.
UPDATE: Alonzo Mourning prevailed. Good for him, but hell hath no fury like a beastly woman scorned. Just a warning.
Alonzo Mourning in showdown with Janet Reno [Game On!]
• MLB Roundup. John Danks pitched seven shutout innings as the White Sox defeated the Cubs 4-1 at Wrigley Field. J.J. Hardy’s sacrifice fly in the 11th inning lifted the Brewers over the Indians. David Murphy hit the game-winning single in the bottom of the 10th as Texas beat Houston. Toronto got eight innings and eleven strikeouts from Scott Richmond as they went on to beat Philadelphia 7-1. [MLB.com Scoreboard]
• College World Series. Brett Eibner’s two out, two-run home run in the top of the 9th inning tied the score 3-3 and Andrew Darr hit a run-scoring double in the 12th as Arkansas elimimated Virginia with a 4-3 victory. [Yahoo!]
• Courts. Former Major Leaguer Mel Hall was sentenced to 45-years in prison after being convicted of raping a 12-year-old girl and sexually abusing or inappropriately touching three other girls. He has to serve 22 1/2 years before he will be eligible for parole. Have fun in the slammer, Hall – they love guys like you on the inside. [The Associated Press]
• He probably amused himself by making balloon animals out of those cheap-ass condoms. A 26-year-old man in Salem, Massachussetts was accidentally locked inside a bar restroom overnight after bar closing. When staff working at the Gulu Gulu Cafe heard noises from the bathroom the next morning, they called police, who found him. The man said he was “comfortable” and even offered to pay his tab. Hey, who knows? Maybe the bathroom was more comfortable than where he would have slept otherwise – in a van down by the river!
It looked like things were finally looking up for Terrell Owens on the house-searching front, as various news outlets were reporting that T.O. finally found a place to live in Buffalo.
Real-estate agent Maureen Flavin said Wednesday that Owens has agreed to lease a newly built, 4,500-square-foot home in an upscale community in Orchard Park, not far from Ralph Wilson Stadium.
Unfortunately, as it often happens in house-hunting, it looks like plans fell through. And who does it appear that Owens is choosing to blame for his latest residential snafu? His real estate agent, Maureen Flavin, the very same person who confirmed his lease.
•MLB Baseball. Toronto Blue Jays at Philadelphia Phillies. Ooh! A rematch of the 1993 World Series! How exciting! I don’t know why people even bother mentioning crap like this. It was 16 years ago – it’s not like any of the players currently on either team have any connection whatsoever to those World Series squads. Well, except for Mitch Williams and the Phillies. Somebody has to clean the windshields of the cars in the players’ parking lot. [ESPN, 8:00 ET]
• College Baseball. NCAA World Series: Arkansas vs. Virginia. I’m sorry – I got nothing here. Um, most of these players will never make it to the big leagues…does that work? [ESPN2, 8:00 ET]
• Totally Righteous Grub, Brah! Dinner Impossible: X Food at the X Games. Watch chef Robert Irvine whip up some tasty morsels for some totally gnarly dudes and chicks. Radical! What? I used to subscribe to Thrasher and had a Lance Mountain deck – I got street cred. Whatever, dude. [Food Network, 11:00 ET]
• Yet Another Show With A Misleading Title. Property Virgins. What do you mean it’s not a show about people fucking houses? That’s false advertising man. Thank goodness for the internet – (types in “pounding drywall” into search engine, looks at results) – man, that didn’t work either. Lame. [HGTV, 9:00 ET]
• This Would Have Been A Lot Cooler Of A Show Had It Been A Documentary About The Recording Of The B-Side To “The Boy With A Thorn In His Side” by The Smiths. Mystery Diagnosis: The Woman With A Knife In Her Head. “Behind the hatred there lies a murderous desire…for love…” It’s true, you know.
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (June 17th)
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• A look at how the Minnesota Wild will be operate differently under new head coach Todd Richards. Thanks for the name drop, Hex. [Melt Your Face Off]
• Dog bites Farnsworth. Farnsworth bites dog. No, not really, but it would have hardly been surprising had it happened. [Big League Stew]
• Xmas Ape checks in on what Jim Nantz has been up to during the offseason – it ain’t pretty, people. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• A collection of horribly awkward wrestling gimmicks. [The Phoenix Pub]
• The Orlando Magic are a bunch of socialists? Say what? [Style Points]
• Video of hot chicks testing out bras by riding roller coasters. Yep, you read that right. And yes, you’re welcome [Ad Gabber via With Leather]
Well, New Jersey Devils netminder and future Hall of Famer Martin Brodeur is about to find out.
Brodeur, who last season became the League’s winningest netminder, will be honored with a resolution by the New Jersey State Senate in a special ceremony at the State House on Thursday, June 18, at 2 p.m.
Big ups to Sports Media Blog for unearthing this incredibly awkward video of Nolan Ryan’s appearance on the soap Ryan’s Hope (how fitting!) in 1975. I’m a fan of Nolan Ryan as a baseball player, but I sure didn’t need to see “The Ryan Express” up close and personal, I’ll tell you that much.
I think just seeing Nolan Ryan in those shorts lowered my sperm count. Jeebus.
Good news, Canadians! Kevin Costner is coming to your country!
Yesiree, Costner has agreed to take part in the inaugural Mike Weir Charity Classic, which will be held July 20th at the Glen Abbey Golf Club in Oakville, Ontario.
Oh, by the way, to our friends in the Great White North, if you like, you can keep the overrated douchetard.
On to the gory details.
Above is a screengrab of a headline off of Philly.com. Clearly it’s an article about Donte Stallworth and his impending jail sentence, but what in the hell is up with the headline?
“NO HEAD SPECIFIED”? What gives?
So, not only is Stallworth getting off with a paltry 30-day jail sentence but now he is allowed to dictate the terms of what sort of sexual activity he is willing to participate in during his time in the clink? It’s just not fair.
Personally, I would have went with “Violent Anal Rape Not Preferred”, but hey, that’s just me.
(Note: apologies for this being the second screengrab post of the day – I’m lazy, wanna fight about it?)
MIAMI – Donté Stallworth began serving a 30-day jail NO HEAD SPECIFIED [Philly.com]
• Brilliant job by the aforementioned First Derivative regarding his theory on NHL Defenseman Metrics. Wow. [The Phoenix Pub]
• 310ToJoba and Chilltown preview the 2009 U.S. Open. [The Rookies]
• The arrival of Kyle Orton has completely screwed up Denver’s economy. [Style Points]
• More hilarious LOLNFLs from the guys at KSK. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Modernizing the names of the NHL trophies? Surely you jest. [Puck Daddy]
• Finally, some horny El Salvadorian scumbags grope a young lady in the stands at a soccer game. It looks like they have finally abandoned their previous method of getting a woman by clubbing her over the head and dragging her back to their cave. [H/T Total Pro Sports (with story)]
