Archive for June, 2009
Last Call With…Carson Daly?
Posted by:
“I am so going to fire my agent. Jesus fucking Christ, man. Bernie Cohen, you have worked your last fucking day as an agent, my friend. When he asked me if I wanted to do “Last Call” tonight with Weed Against Speed, I thought he meant he was finally going to hook me up with some good blow and some sweet nugs for a change. But noooooo, I’m stuck here on this piece of shit blog hosting some sort of groupthink jerkoff for a bunch of goddamn mouthbreathers who have nothing better to do than sit in front of their fucking computers all night. Fuck me running. Fuck.
Do you know who the fuck I am? I am Carson fucking Daly, jagoff. I was banging Jennifer Love Hewitt and Tara Reid before they got fat and their titties got all screwed up. I was the host of Total fucking Request Live, motherfucker, I was finger-banging Christina Aguilera while getting my asshole eaten out by Britney Spears before the herp set in on both those skanks. Fuck this noise, man. Now I host a little show on NBC called Last Call with Carson Daly. You ever heard of it? No? Fuck.
Alright, we might as well get to the menu, since that’s probably a job skill I’ll need after I’m spit out the bottom of the gay porn industry.
• Sweet fancy Moses there is literally nothing sports-related (other than regional baseball coverage, of course) on the boob tube tonight – unless you count the WNBA and World Series of Poker – blech.
• Mmmmmmm….Bacon. The Best Thing I Ever Ate: Bacon. Food Network stars discuss their favorite recipes made with bacon. Mine? Bacon sundae topped with bacon sauce and whipped bacon fat. Duh. [Food Network, 9:30 ET]
• I guess this will do. Watching four episodes of Family Guy always does the trick for me when there is nothing else on television. But then again, I’m a moron. Bonus: followed up by two episodes of The Office, featuring the “Office Olympics” episode. Nice. [TBS, 8:00 ET]
• Basic Cable Movie(s) of the Night. A double feature tonight, folks: Ghostbusters (8:00 ET) and Ghostbusters II (10:30 ET). Can you believe it has been 25 years since Ghostbusters came out. Fucking Christ I’m old. [AMC]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (June 30th)
Posted by:
• Caller into Pirates post-game show wants to know how big of a penis Ian Snells has. [Busted Coverage]
• Drunken Canadian women at Blue Jays game throw beer at Rays center fielder B.J. Upton. Hosers. [Big League Stew]
• Video of a fat guy who got on the field during a Braves game. [Deadspin via Walkoff Walk]
• Lynn Swann is in the Bowling Hall of Fame? Say what? [PSAMP]
• samerochocinco points out that the NL West doesn’t suck anymore. When did this happen? [The Rookies]
The Bowie Baysox, the Double-A affiliate of the Baltimore Orioles, are welcoming students to Prince George’s stadium for Inhalant Abuse Night on Wednesday, July 8th for their game against the Harrisburg Senators.
Is it really the best idea to encourage the young people of our country to take up huffing paint? They are likely to end up like the guy in the above photo. The worst part of it all is other Eastern League teams are partnering up with the Baysox:
“The Baysox look forward to putting aside our competitive differences with the Thunder and the Rock Cats for this program,” Baysox general manager Brian Shallcross said in a statement. “Hopefully, by working together, we can have a greater positive impact on the youth that mean so much to our communities.”
Ohhhh, I get it. According to the article, the Baysox are “are working together with the Alliance for Consumer Education (ACE) for the “Striking Out Inhalant Abuse” program.”
I’m sorry, but if their intent is “striking out inhalant abuse”, they should have come up with a better name than “Inhalant Abuse Night” which to me indicates that they are promoting the activity. On “So-and-So Bat Night”, teams are not trying to eliminate that player’s bats – in fact they are giving the bats away.
Not good thinking on this one, Baysox. I nearly booked a flight to Bowie for the event, wherever in the hell that town is located.
Baysox look to raise awareness on inhalant abuse [O's On Deck]
• We welcome samerochocinco and his new blog into the fold with his post detailing Bill Belichick’s plan to sabotage the AFC. Keep bringing it, sir. [Second-String Fullback]
• Business_Socks goes off-topic and ranks his 10 best old-school rap songs. No 3rd Bass? What gives? [Style Points]
• Rockabye delves into NCAA Football 10′s “Road To Glory Mode with Erin Andrews.” Meh. I’d be more interested if it were “Road to Glory Hole with Erin Andrews.” High-five!!! [The Rookies]
• A tribute to pitching great Lee Smith. [More Hardball]
• Washington Capitals owner Ted Leonsis believes bloggers have “raised the game.” Expect a scathing commentary from Jay Mariotti soon. [Mouthpiece Sports]
• Sadly, the final video of the Stephen A. Smith Heckling Society of Gentlemen featuring the society of gentlemen, er, heckling Stephen A. Smith. (sheds tear) [Sports Rubbish]
In his latest Fanhouse column, Jay Mariotti states that steroid guessing is bad journalism – and as mentioned above, being a world-renowned expert on bad journalism, Mariotti should be considered the go-to guy on the topic. Before he gets into his diatribe against bloggers, Will Leitch, in particular, and their pet tarantulas who also have blogs (I did not know that), he takes a moment to pat himself on the back in the introductory paragraph.
I am one of the fortunate ones. Twelve months a year, I’m paid to dispense information and opinions on a major Web site read by millions, not to mention a major TV network watched by millions. I don’t have to STRRRRRETTTTCCH THE TRUTH or make something up to be noticed as a columnist.
MILLIONS OF PEOPLE READ JAY MARIOTTI’S WORK AND WATCH HIM ON TELEVISION, PEOPLE!! BOW AND BASK IN THE GLOW OF HIS GREATNESS!!
Many thanks to Busted Coverage for digging (get it?) this video up of a boy mining for nose gold at a Phillies game. Nasty yes, but we shouldn’t get too down on the kid – as the great Alexander Pope once said, “To pick is human, to feast divine.” Or something like that.
The “Somebody’s Watching Me” background music is a nice touch. And timely, given that Michael Jackson sang backup on Rockwell’s original version of the song. Also, MJ enjoyed eating the boogers of young boys.
Site News: Have No Fear, Weed Is Back
Posted by:
I realized upon returning home from my brief vacation that I neglected to write a “Won’t Be In” post for yesterday. I assume everyone got through Monday okay – if you didn’t, you may want to seek professional help.
With that said, I’m here again, just having a late start and catching up on what I missed at work. The Sportress should be up and running normally later today. Thank you for your patience.
Finally, it’s Friday and the work week is complete. How about a quick rundown of what we learned over the past few days here on the Sportress?
• NHL Entry Draft. Watch Gary Bettman get booed and act awkwardly. Pretty much exactly like every other time he shows his face in public. [Versus, 7:00 ET]
• Track and Field. U.S. Outdoor Championships. That reminds me of a pornographic documentary I once saw: Crack Revealed: The U.S. Backdoor Championships. It was highly educational, to say the least. [ESPN, 8:00 ET]
• Classic Boxing. Mike Tyson’s Greatest Hits, Volume II. I believe this is the greatest hits album where he first sings “In the Air Tonight.” Interesting. [ESPN2, 9:00 ET]
• Yet another example of “why in the flippity-filth-flarn-fuckity-fuck are they showing this on basic cable?” movie. Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. Seriously, what is the friggin’ point? Seriously again, why did I elect to use the word ‘friggin’ right after I typed ‘fuckity-fuck’? That’s odd.
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (June 26th)
Posted by:
• Joe Jurevicius filed a lawsuit against the Cleveland Browns for the staph problem the team had that may have ended his career. It’s my opinion he could have sued them simply for having to play for the Browns. [With Leather]
• First Derivative landed an interview with Wysh from Puck Daddy and they discuss the NHL draft. Nicely done, FD. [The Phoenix Pub]
• Business_Socks has the inside scoop on the rumor that Brett Favre has purchased a home in Minnesota. Here’s another hot news item: Brett is coming over to my house tonight for a slumber party. My mom bought fixins for S’mores. It’s gonna be sweet! [Style Points]
• The guys over at The Rookies aren’t too pleased with the quality of service they are receiving from JustHost. Keep your chins up fellas, everything is going to be fine. We’ll all hang with ya until you get that shit sorted out. Fucking customer service, huh? [The Rookies]
• Tiger’s niece, Cheyenne Woods, made her LPGA debut today. Sure, she gets all the attention but what about Tiger’s other nieces, Boise and Montpelier? [Devil Ball Golf]
• You have to see this to believe it: representations of landscapes constructed entirely out of bacon and other meats. Mind-blowing, man. BACON!!! [Uncoached]
Granted, the sample size is small (under 7,000), but what does it say about the popularity of hockey in the U.S. when, according to a ESPN Sportsnation poll, more people believe that John Taveres, a near sure lock to be the #1 pick in tonight’s NHL draft, is a U.S. soccer player or Ricky Rubio’s agent.
Further, I question why the dipshits behind ESPN Sportsnation chose to conduct a poll about this anyway. Was it to make fun of the NHL’s lack of popularity in this country, the fact that ESPN does jack shit in the area of covering the sport, or both?
My guess is both.
Nevertheless, one aspect of the poll I found amusing was that the only two states where a majority believed that Tavares was the name of Ricky Rubio’s agent were Idaho and Kentucky:
“Tavares, huh? That sounds Mexican to me. He’s gotta be that Ricky Ricardo feller’s agent.”
ESPN Poll: Americans Think John Tavares is a Soccer Player [Fanhouse]
Look out, everybody – this could get ugly.
According to a report from Pierre LeBrun, the NHL salary cap is set to increase next season to $56.8 million, a whopping $100K from last season. This will surely to unleash a frenetic spending spree unlike anything the NHL has never seen. Teams will have no choice now but to sign every free agent for obscene amounts of money.
Numbers crunchers from the NHL and the NHL Players’ Association finalized the figure for the next season Thursday in New York.
The cap has risen for a fifth consecutive season since its implementation in 2005.
The salary cap debuted at $39 million for the 2005-06 season, the first season coming out of the lockout. It rose to $44 million for 2006-07 and to $50.3 million in 2007-08.
Well, I guess it’s better than the salary cap going down. You’re doing a heckuva job, Bettman.
NHL increases salary cap to $56.8M [ESPN]
The completely non-pedophile-looking man to the left is James Riverso, the former women’s soccer coach at LeMoyne College in Syracuse, New York. He is the former coach due to his resignation earlier this month amid accusations that he sent sexually-explicit cell phone messages to an underage girl he was coaching in a youth soccer club. Riverso “was charged with endangering the welfare of a child and disseminating indecent material to a minor.”
Oh, but if you thought the shitstorm he brought upon himself would end there, you would be grossly mistaken. It gets worse: two more girls have come forward with similar allegations against the 28-year-old. He now faces 18 more counts, “including sex abuse and disseminating indecent material to minors.”
Investigators say he sent sexually explicit messages and photos to the victims’ cell phones over several months. He’s also accused of having a physical relationship with the teenage girls he coached in a youth soccer league.
Yikes. Not a good situation for this guy, but if he’s guilty of the charges, you have to admit he deserves every ounce (or inch) of punishment he gets – remember, they love guys like these in the slammer.
I guess it’s true what they say: you can never tell a book by its cover. Talk about a normal-looking guy. He looks like he has absolutely nothing to hide.
Riiiiight. Jesus, could he match what most people’s mental image of a pedophile any more? When he got those urges, he should have just “riverso-ed course” and sought treatment. See what I did there? Yes, I know, it was inappropriate, but still pretty good, right? No?
Soccer Coach Accused of Sending Explicit Texts to Girl [KTLA.com]
More sex charges against ex-Le Moyne College coach [The Seattle Times]
• Red Sox third baseman Mike Lowell is set to receive lube injections. Gay joke. [Bugs & Cranks]
• Hex has the where, when and why for all of the parties scheduled for the NHL draft. They’re all gonna be ragers! [Melt Your Face Off]
• Shakey recovers a copy of Shawn Kemp’s gangsta rap song, “Fruit of My Loins.” [Style Points]
• A countdown of the seven worst sports movie endings. [Joe Sports Fan]
• Awwwww. Video of a dog dribbling a basketball. And to think that in some countries these dogs are eaten. [With Leather]
