Archive for May, 2009
You’re Welcome, David Ortiz
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(Bill Greene / Globe Staff)
Some of you who check out the site semi-regularly may have noticed that I published a post yesterday entitled, “If David Ortiz Were A Horse, The Red Sox Would Probably Have To Take Him Behind The Barn And Shoot Him”, which essentially stated that David Ortiz’s career was effectively over and done. Disregarding that the title of the post had more letters in it than a bowl of Alpha-Bits [weaksauce], there was a point to what I wrote:
I was simply trying to get David Ortiz of the snide. And sure enough, Ortiz came through last night with his first home run of the season, in his 136th at-bat.
No, the post wasn’t yet another example of me being wrong and totally off-base (again), I knew that if I wrote something critical about Big Papi, he would hear about it and consequently he would be motivated to prove me wrong – which isn’t hard to do given that I am always wrong – and odds are either Ortiz saw the post or someone close to him did. At last check, the post had 5 (!) pageviews, so the chances are pretty good.
So, no thank you is necessary, Mr. Ortiz – just doing my part to make the world a better place. And if any of you out there in Internetland would like to see someone else in the sports world break out of a slump, drop me a line – I’ll be more than happy to write something* completely inaccurate and judgmental about them.
*offer not available for personal requests – if you find that you are in a slump of some sort, go get yourself a fat chick. Jeez, do I have to do everything for you people?
Blast from the past: Ortiz’s first HR since ’08 fuels Red Sox [The Boston Globe]
Throw It Down, Big Man, THROW IT DOWN!
Posted by:If Bill Walton were still alive today, he may have had a stroke attempting to describe the above video. Dwight Howard drops the hammer on a dunk during Orlando’s win over Cleveland on Wednesday night and broke the shot clock in the process.
What’s that? Bill Walton is still alive? Really? Well, if he is, he’s doing much better than last year.
You know, I don’t see why this is such a big deal – I used to knock my Timex digital watch off the top of the door all the time when I would perform my aerial acrobatics and dunk on my door basketball hoop. But at the same time, I am, as the kids say, a major playa.
• Tragic News. The wife of Arizona Diamondbacks relief pitcher Schott Schoeneweis was found dead in their home in Arizona. Thoughts and prayers go out to him and his family. [The Associated Press]
• NBA Playoffs. The Cleveland Cavaliers lost for the first time this postseason, dropping Game 1 of the Eastern Conference finals at home to the Orlando Magic107-106. LeBron James scored 49 points, but it wasn’t enough when Rashard Lewis hit a three-pointer for Orlando with 14.7 seconds left and the Cavaliers missed two shots in the waning moments. Dwight Howard added 30 points in the win. [NBA.com]
• MLB Scoreboard. Nick Swisher, Robinson Cano and Melky Cabrera hit back-to-back-to-back home runs as the Yankees beat the Orioles 11-4, their eighth consecutive victory. Houston ended Milwaukee’s seven-game winning streak with a 6-4 win. David Ortiz finally hit a home run in Boston’s six-run fifth inning as the Red Sox beat the Blue Jays 8-3. Joel Hanranhan threw a wild pitch in the top of the ninth, allowing Freddy Sanchez as Pittsburgh beat the Nationals 2-1. [MLB.com Scoreboard]
• If he wasn’t talking on his cell phone and reading the newspaper at the same time, I don’t understand why this is a big deal. A 48-year old Massachusetts man was pulled over for erratic driving and police quickly discovered the reason: he was eating a bowl of cereal. He was also driving with an expired license. I bet the cereal got all soggy too – I hate when that happens when I’m getting arrested. [Yahoo!/AP]
Wait, What Does UFL Stand For Again?
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Now, if UFL stood for Ultimate Fucking League or Undercover Flickers of Labias, I wouldn’t be surprised, but get this: Rex Grossman will reportedly attend the United Football League’s “Pro Day” in Las Vegas. According to something called UFL Access the quarterback will attend the “Pro Day” in “the coming weeks.”
First question: the UFL has a “Pro Day” scheduled in “the coming weeks”, but has not selected an exact date yet? Second question: what kind of loser fucktard desires “access” to the UFL right now? If I may, here are a couple of posts I suggest for the site: “Huffing Paint, The UFL & You” and “My Wife Just Left Me Because I Obsessively Maintain A Blog About A League That Hasn’t Even Begun Playing Games Yet – What’s Her Deal?”
Back to the issue at hand – the UFL? C’mon, Rex. Seriously? You’re the goddamn Sex Cannon for Christ’s sake! Is this how it all ends for you?
Say it ain’t so, Sexy Rexy. The world needs your cumslinging now more than ever – in a manner of speaking, of course.
P.S. I’m not gay.
Yeesh: Rex Grossman Reportedly Trying Out For UFL [Mouthpiece Sports]
Rex Grossman, Graham Harrell to the UFL? [UFL Access]
• NBA Playoffs. Game 1, Eastern Conference Finals, Orlando Magic at Cleveland Cavaliers. When was the last time LeBron and company played a game? April? It sure seems like it. [TNT, 8:30 ET]
• MLB Baseball. Chicago Cubs at St. Louis Cardinals. Baseball fever in May – catch it! [ESPN, 8:00 ET]
• PBA Bowling. King of Bowling. Yeah, I’ve got nothing. [ESPN2, 9:00 ET]
• Basic Cable Movie of the Night. There’s Something About Mary. C’mon, you know you love the flick. Franks and Beans!! [FX, 8:00 ET]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (May 20th)
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• The torch for the Vancouver Olympics looks like a joint. Awesome. [With Leather]
• An inside peek at Warren 77, Sean Avery’s new club in Manhattan. If the bar doesn’t offer a shot named Sloppy Seconds, I’m going to be pissed. [Puck Daddy]
• Everybody hates ESPN’s Steve Phillips. Why wouldn’t they? The guy is a moron. [Awful Announcing]
• Apparently, Monday Night Football’s Mike Tirico and Tony Kornheiser didn’t get along. I wouldn’t have believed that IN A MILLION YEARS! [The Big Lead]
• Finally, Pearl Jam’s Mike McCready performing the “Star Spangled Banner” at a Mariners game, Hendrix-style. [Big ups to Big League Stew for the find]
Courtesy of Jalopnik
Randy Moss, who started his own NASCAR team last year, is enjoying his first full season as c0-owner of a Camping World Truck Series two-truck outfit. The team is starting to perform well, winning its first race in April.
“I know there’s been a lot of negative talk about me as a player and me as an owner and coming into NASCAR, and do I know what it takes to be successful in this league,” Moss said. “When I have the help, with the knowledge that these guys have and a lot of the talks and helpful tips that they have given me about being an owner, I think that just makes my job a little easier.”
At the ripe-old age (for an NFL wide receiver) of 32, it’s never too early for Moss to begin contemplating his next career, and growing up in West Virginia exposed him to NASCAR (of course, anything to do with Randy Moss and exposing disgusts Joe Buck – just wanted to mention that).
Moss even hammed it up and enjoyed the limelight last weekend at Lowe’s Motor Speedway, where he “toured the garage, served as a judge for a burnout competition, and was in the pits when Skinner was involved in an airborne, truck-flipping crash.” Skinner who is one-half of Moss’ driving team with Tyler Malsam, walked away from the accident.
It appears Moss understands his role as owner as well: supply the money, promote the team and stay the hell out of the way:
“I don’t really know how you can really compare the two because I play football and they do the driving. So my hats are off to them every week and prayers are with them every week to go out there and stay safe and bring it home. I just try to balance the two and try to fit both of them into my schedule.”
So, best of luck to Randy Moss and all of his future truck-racing endeavors. But I’m left with one question: whatever happened to his fruit juice business? Ah, he probably quit on that too.
Randy Moss To Start NASCAR Truck Team And No, We’re Not Joking [Jalopnik]
Patriots WR Randy Moss tries hand as NASCAR owner [SI.com/The Associated Press]
Oh, pity the poor, poor New York Knicks fans. Most people aren’t aware of this, but the Knicks have gone through a pretty rough patch lately, and the Knicks fans have had to suffer through eight losing seasons in a row. And Mike Lupica, King Douchebag himself, doesn’t think it’s fair. Take it a way, Mike.
You are owed nothing if you are a Knicks fan and have stayed with them through the worst and most embarrassing era in the history of the franchise, what will be remembered as the James Dolan-Isiah Thomas era even if only one of them is still around.
But even owed nothing, Knicks fans deserve better than this.
Uh, Mike, fill me in – why is that? Is it because you believe that fans of New York sports franchises – whether it be the Yankees, Giants, whatever – feel that because they happen to live in New York, championships are practically owed to them as if it were their birthright?
Tell me, why are Knicks fans any different from, say, the fans of the Toronto Raptors, who have had to endure nine losing seasons of the fourteen the franchise has been in existence?
• Sean Leahy has a fantastic post on the upcoming release of NHL 10 this September. I better get a lot of shit done this summer because I’m going to be virtually worthless come fall. [Puck Daddy]
• Point/Counterpoint between President Obama and James Harrison. Good stuff. [Style Points]
• Tony Kornheiser on Tony Kornheiser’s decision to leave Monday Night Football. Needs more Tony Kornheiser. [Awful Announcing]
• Michael Rand compares Terry Pendelton’s 1991 season to Super Troopers. Say what? [Randball]
• Brewers fan is arrested after stripping down to underwear. Sorry fellas, it’s a dude, but even if it was a woman, remember she is a Brewers fan. [HUGE H/T to Busted Coverage]
Michael Vick was quietly released from Leavenworth Prison last night and will begin serving two months of home confinement at his house in Hampton, Virginia.
Vick will only be allowed to leave the house “to work a $10-an-hour job as a laborer for a construction company and for other limited purposes approved by his probation officer,” according to a report on NFL.com.
What’s next for Vick? A partnership with the Humane Society of the United States appears to be in the works, so says Humane Society President, Wayne Pacelle:
“He indicated that he’s tremendously remorseful about this, and now he wants to be an agent of change, to work to end dogfighting and to specifically get young kids to cease any involvement in these activities…[s]ometimes folks who are reformed can be particularly strong advocates. We agree that he’s got to put boots on the ground and hit the issue hard and do it over a long time.”
Well, I suppose putting his “boots on the ground” is better than the alternative, putting his boots on the throat of a dog.
Nevertheless, I imagine Vick is willing to do just about anything to get back into Roger Goodell’s good graces. The Commissioner addressed the issue at the NFL Spring Meetings in Ft. Lauderdale:
“I think that’s going to be up to Michael. Michael’s going to have to demonstrate to myself and the general public and to a lot of people, did he learn anything from this experience? Does he regret what happened? Does he feel that he can be a positive influence going forward? Those are questions that I would like to see when I sit with him.”
Yeah, good luck with that, Vick. If there’s one thing Roger Goodell is known for, it’s his capacity for benevolence and willingness to listen to reason. Or am I thinking of somebody else? I think I might be.
Vick leaves prison for home confinement [NFL.com/The Associated Press]
Humane Society contacted by Vick, who wants to help curb dogfighting [NFL.com/The Associated Press]
It’s over, everyone. Nothing to see here, please move along.
The once-great career of David Ortiz is now officially over. Inserted back into the lineup after being given four days off by manager Terry Francona, Ortiz went hitless (0 for 3, 1 walk), often appearing “confused and overwhelmed” (at least according to the Worcester Telegram) in Boston’s 2-1 win over Toronto.
Yep, it’s time for Big Papi to pack it up, move back to the Dominican Republic and open a few low-key, but moderately successful car dealerships. I suggest Big Papi’s Pickup Palace, mostly because I’m a big fan of alliteration.
Milwaukee Brewers mascot Bernie Brewer will once again appear to slide into a refreshing liquid after home runs by the home team, but in this politically-correct era, it won’t hearken back to a bygone era where the outright mocking of alcoholism was entertaining and deserving of laughter.
The Milwaukee Brewers and Lake Delton-based Kalahari Resorts on Tuesday unveiled the Kalahari Splash Zone, located at the bottom of Bernie Brewer’s slide at Miller Park.
Up to this point, whenever a home run was hit at Miller Park, Bernie would slide down onto a platform, a clear departure from when he used to slide into a beer mug at County Stadium, much to the delight of inebriated Brewers fans. What about the Brewers fans who weren’t drunk, you ask? Simple – there’s no such thing.
The Splash Zone will make its debut next Monday in a game against the St. Louis Cardinals. And the kicker? Bernie won’t even get wet – it’s all a charade. What the hell?
After each Brewers’ home run and Bernie’s ride down the slide, an explosion of water will be sent into the air. The feature can be adjusted to send more water into the air but Bernie will not get wet, team officials said.
I wish they would go back to the beer mug bit. It’s a shame, really, that Bernie has been forced into the dry life and not the High Life. In a way, he’s the Frank the Tank of Major League Baseball mascots and just wait until he snaps and goes on a suds-fueled booze bender – it ain’t going to be pretty. No one will be safe – especially that son of a bitch Brett Wurst, the bratwurst from the Sausage Races. Bernie has wanted a piece of that shithead for years.
Kalahari Splash Zone unveiled at Miller Park [Wisconsin State Journal]
• NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs. It must be disheartening for the Blackhawks to come to the realization that Detroit isn’t even playing their best hockey and yet they find themselves down 2-0 in the series. Jonathan Toews scored for Chicago late in the third to force overtime, but Mikael Samuelsson scored on a 3-on-1 5:14 into overtime for a 3-2 Detroit victory. [NHL.com]
• NBA Playoffs. Facing a seven point deficit heading into the 4th quarter, the Lakers, Kobe Bryant in particular, turned it on and edged the Nuggets 105-103. Bryant scored 15 over the final 6:48 and scored 40 points for the game. Los Angeles now leads the series 1-0. [NBA.com]
• MLB Scoreboard. Dontrelle “Fragile Frankie” Willis was dazzling, winning his first game in almost 20 months, going 7 innings and allowing only one hit in Detroit’s 4-0 victory over the Texas Rangers, Detroit’s fourth straight win and snapping Texas’ seven game-winning streak. Elsewhere, Boston beat Toronto 2-1 despite David Ortiz going hitless (again), Oakland scored four in the 11th inning to beat Tampa 4-1 and Joel Pinero pitched a three-hit shutout as the Cardinals blanked the Cubs 3-0. [MLB.com Scoreboard]
• I guess I’ll be canceling my trip to Chonqing- no reason to go now. A theme park devoted to all things sexual was demolished before it was even opened, according to a Chinese government official. Named “Love Land” by its owners, “featured explicit exhibits of genitalia and sexual culture.” You don’t even want to know what the flume ride entailed. It’s probably for the best for people who would have went to “Love Land”, because they would have simply wanted to go back and pay admission to enter again a half-hour later. [MSNBC]
• NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs. Game 2, Chicago Blackhawks at Detroit Red Wings. Should be a good one. [Versus, 7:30 ET]
• NBA Playoffs. Game 1, Denver Nuggets at Los Angeles Lakers. Tune in to see if Kenyon Martin mixes it up with Jack Nicholson. Now that would be worth the price of admission. Old Jack would kick Kenyon’s ass. Also, the NBA Draft Lottery immediately precedes the game at 8:30 ET. [ESPN, 9:00 ET]
• MLB Baseball. Chicago Cubs at St. Louis Cardinals. This game doesn’t have a New York team in it, but you’re just going to have to take it like a man and accept it. [WGN, 8:00 ET]
• Basic Cable Movie Of The Night. Carlito’s Way. Perhaps Pacino’s last truly great role. Except for maybe in Heat. Oh, and Donnie Brasco. Nevermind me. I’m full of shit. Oh, and Sean Penn wears the most awesome wig in the history of cinema. [AMC, 8:00 ET]
Finally, don’t watch American Idol. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for your children. Or your children’s children. Just don’t watch that crap.
