Archive for May, 2009
William “The Refrigerator” Perry has been released from Aiken Regional Medical Center after being there for a month due to complications from Guillain-Barre Syndrome.
While I greet this news with great relief and happiness for Perry, his family and his loved ones, I’m a bit chagrined at the shoddy treatment the former Chicago Bear received during his discharge from the hospital.
Just look at the above photo. Do the wisenheimers they call a medical staff at Aiken Regional fancy themselves comedians or something? “Oooh, his nickname is ‘The Refrigerator’ so let’s ship him out in a refrigerator box.” The man has been seriously ill, for Pete’s sake!
And did they actually think they were going to be able to fit him through that door? That’s just poor planning right there.
I’m sorry, but what a bunch of first-class jerks. If I weren’t so lazy and selfish, I might have considered writing them a letter about this utter disregard for the dignity of a man who once danced “The Super Bowl Shuffle.” Just shameful.
William Perry released from hospital [Chicago Tribune]
• Soccer-playing robots? Only in America! Oh, this story is about scientists from the University of Chile? Let me get this straight – they have a university dedicated to spicy meat stews? Then why are they working on robots there? This is all very confusing. [With Leather]
• Dash provides us with a closer look at Michael Strahan’s new sitcom. Did he get hazard pay for that? [Deadspin]
• Presenting the Top 25 Deadspin commenters. No, this link is not self-serving at all. Nope. Not a bit. [Style Points]
• The Top 10 Depressingly Cheap Baseball Cards. Do you know what’s really depressing? Trading your Prozac for baseball cards. In fact, that’s why the Sklar brothers turned out the way they did. Don’t ask me how I came up with Sklar Brothers. [Joe Sports Fan]
• Devil Ball Golf (via Unsilent Majority’s Twitter) posted this photo and made fun of it, which I’m not following. Sure, the rock is in an odd location, but is it that big of a deal? Hey, just because you know and I don’t doesn’t give you the right to be cocky.
MLB Commissioner Bud Selig remains optimistic and “encouraged by the attendance so far,” ieven though there has been a 4.5% drop in ticket sales so far this season, maintaining that “[i]t’s early.”
Nobody panic! Let’s remain calm here! Good ol’ Bud has got everything under control. If there’s one person in this crazy, mixed-up world we can always count on, it’s Selig. Seriously, the guy is like a goddamn King Midas when it comes to growing the sport and preserving the integrity of the game.
Unless, you’re talking about All-Star Games, steroids, the World Baseball Classic, the near contraction of Major League franchises, stuff like that. Then all bets are off. But everything else, hoo boy, Bud’s got it covered.
And once money starts raining down from the sky and dogs and cats start shitting diamonds in the Bronx, those premium seats that sit empty in Yankee Stadium will start selling like hotcakes, my friend. Mark his words.
Selig staying optimistic despite attendance drop [Fox Sports]
Zing! Ha ha! I’m so funny! Get it? How could Cesc Fàbregas be guilty of spitting on someone if he is a swallower?
Actually, I made that zinger for all of you Arsenal haters out there. Of course, I would never stoop to making a gay joke about a soccer player – I swear – scout’s honor. Okay, I admit it – I suck. Shower me with your hate.
Oh, you want to know the story? Well, excuse me, Mr. Bossy Guy.
Evidently, the Spanish midfielder got himself in a bit of hot water recently when he was accused of spitting on Brian Horton, an assistant manager for Hull, but the FA cleared him of the charge as well as an additional charge “stemming from events that took place after he went on to the pitch at the end of the game, was also found to be “not proven.”
So, there you have it.
If you are wondering, the answer is “yes” – I have absolutely nothing going here. I just knew today was going to be a grinding, frustrating struggle.
Arsenal captain Cesc Fabregas cleared in spitting probe [Boston Herald]
Apparently, ask and ye shall receive. No sooner did I utter those words earlier and this story came up on my feeds. Wait, let me try something quick:
“A la peanut butter sandwiches!“
…Nope…nothing.
Anyway, journeyman placekicker Jay Feely has written his own Michael Vick manifesto, which was published on Squidoo on May 9th entitled, “The Precarious case of Mike Vick.” It’s quite long (981 words!) and details Feely’s opinion on Vick, a teammate of his when Feely played for the Atlanta Falcons (Feely is presently on the New York Jets roster). By no means is Feely attempting to defend any of Vick’s actions or “anyone who engages in dog fighting and the killing of dogs that don’t perform. Keep in mind that Mike Vick has spent a considerable amount of time in jail and watched his fortune evaporate as a result of his actions.”
World-Galaxy-class NFL bust Ryan Leaf has been indicted by a grand jury on drug and burglary charges stemming from an alleged break-in into a Canyon, Texas apartment and providing an incomplete medical history to doctors in order to procure Hyrdocodone.
The indictment handed up Wednesday in Canyon charged the 33-year-old former San Diego Chargers quarterback and former West Texas A&M quarterbacks coach with one count of burglary to a habitation, seven counts of obtaining a controlled substance by fraud and one count of delivery of a simulated controlled substance.
This is a completely shocking turn of events, wouldn’t you say? One would think the stability and poise he displayed as an NFL quarterback would have carried over to his personal life.
Leaf may face extradition as he is currently in, ahem, “drug rehabilitation” in British Colombia, according to a report in the Amarillo Globe-News. I’m sorry, but my guess is the only drug rehabilitation Leaf is doing right now is obsessively scraping his bowl in hopes he might be able to come up with a decent resin ball until his dealer shows up.
After flaming out as an NFL player, Leaf caught on as an assistant football coach at West Texas A&M in 2006, a position he subsequently resigned from in November of 2008.
Man, talk about hitting rock bottom and then smashing through that only to take a face-first splash into a septic tank.
Matt Stafford, this could be you next. Just a friendly reminder.
Leaf facing drug, burglary charge [SI/AP]
After taking leave of absence, Leaf resigns as West Texas A&M assistant [ESPN]
Note: I spent over two fucking hours trying to get the internet up at home – fucking with the modem, the router, all that shit. With that said, we’re off to a great friggin’ start today. I actually came into work an hour early to get cracking on S.O.B. – that’s dedication – or outright stupidity – you be the judge.
• NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs. The Carolina Hurricanes did their best to try and stay in the game last night, coming back to tie the game three times, but Evgeni Malkin scored two goals in the third period to round out a hat trick and the Pittsburgh Penguins won 7-4 to take a 2-0 lead in the series. [NHL.com]
• NBA Playoffs. The Denver Nuggets made it a series by beating the Los Angeles Lakers for the first time in the postseason in 11 tries, 106-103. Kenyon Martin made a layup and Chauncey Billups made 3 of 4 free throws in the closing moments to even up the series at 1 game apiece. [NBA.com]
• MLB Scoreboard. The Twins snapped a six-game losing streak, pounding the White Sox 20-1. The Angels hit three solo home runs, Joe Saunders pitched seven scoreless innings as in their 3-0 victory over the Mariners. The Cardinals swept the Cubs for the first time since August of 2006, winning 3-1. [MLB.com Scoreboard]
• You see, it’s okay – she already went to prison for 7 1/2 years for nailing her 12-year-old student that ultimately became her husband – might as well make some money now. Renowned child-fucker Mary Kay Letourneau is hosting a “Hot for Teacher” Night this Saturday at Seattle nightclub Fuel Sports Eats & Beats. As an added bonus, her husband, Vili Fualaau, now 26 (boy, those kids grow up fast, don’t they, Mary Kay?), will be in attendance, spinning records as DJ Headline. Only a $10 cover charge. Oh joy! One question: what goes on at a “Hot for Teacher” night? Could it be possible it’s just like Van Halen’s video? (fingers crossed) You know, except for the kids, of course – we can’t go about tempting Mary Kay, right? [CBS News]
REUTERS/Adam Nurkiewicz
Maria Sharpova, who is quickly becoming the Matron Saint of Sportress of Blogitude (because she’s a supremely talented tennis player, of course), lost her quarterfinal match in the Warsaw Open to Alona Bodonkadonko Bondarenko, 6-2, 6-2.
Although disappointed that she lost, Sharapova knows that the Warsaw Open was great preparation for the French Open, which begins Sunday.
“This was a best preparation I could have. I gave myself a chance to play in a tournament here and now I will go out and play again next week.”
And OMG, guess what? Tiffany is supplying her earrings for the French Open! How sublime!
You know what this means, don’t you? ’90s pop rockers Deep Blue Something has re-entered my conciousness. Egad!
Oh well, I guess we’ll have to regain our composure with a few more photos of Maria.
• NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs. Game 2, Eastern Conference Finals, Carolina Hurricanes at Pittsburgh Penguins. Live from Mellon Arena in Pittsburgh, one of comedian Gallagher’s favorite places to perform – outside of. [Versus, 7:30 ET]
• NBA Playoffs. Game 2, Western Conference Finals, Denver Nuggets at Los Angeles Lakers. Only two more months and this NBA season is wrapped up! [ESPN, 9:00 ET]
• PGA Golf. Replay of the First Round of the Byron Nelson Classic. I’m a huge fan of Classics. I always order mine as a double with cheese with a Frosty on the side. Fuck a Double Stacker. What am I talking about? You don’t know, either? Well, shit. [GOLF, 8:30 ET]
• I’d love to meet the mouthbreathers that watch this crap – no I wouldn’t. It’s the season premiere of So You Think You Can Dance. I would have named it So You Think I Could Give A Flying Fuck. [Fox, 8:00 ET]
• Basic Cable Movie of the Night. Total Recall. You got Ah-nahld and some broad with three tits or some shit. But I guess you won’t see the three tits on basic cable. So should you watch it? I don’t know – I’m not the boss of you – do whatever you want. [SciFi Channel, 9:00 ET]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (May 21st)
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• Get your own Desktop Golf Zen Garden for $14.95. I heard if you order in the next 4 minutes, they will throw in a Shamwow you can use to mop-up the blood spilled after you bang your head against the wall upon the realization that you paid $14.95 for a Desktop Golf Zen Garden. Quantities are limited![Devil Ball Golf]
• Robert Horry can’t find his seven NBA Championship rings. Did he bother to check in Tim Duncan’s butthole? Things are lost up there all the time – so I’ve heard. [Ball Don't Lie]
• Photos of Kim Kardashian playing beach volleyball. Sadly, the batteries in the digital camera died before she let the football piss all over her. [Total Pro Sports]
• Be sure to buy your Brett Favre Vikings jersey before they sell out. Me? No, I’m good. I still have my authentic Daunte Culpepper and Tarvaris Jackson jerseys sitting in my closet not getting worn (this is actually true – I’m a moron). [FirstCuts]
• Lesley Visser is a fucking hag who doesn’t particularly care for the term “walkoff.” My old Deadspin comrade Rob Iracane from the blog Walkoff Walk offers a rebuttle. [Walkoff Walk]
• Lastly, as Punte expertly put it, we may have finally found Kige Ramsey’s YouTube Sports soulmate. Meet the lovely Nicole Lafosse – she seems nice. [H/T With Leather]
Oh Lord, please don’t let him be misunderstood.
But unfortunately, that is exactly what has been occurring to Lane Kiffin since he took the reigns of the Tennessee football program in December of 2008.
The list of his mind-numbing transgressions is far too long to get into for a quick post such as this one, but his wacky antics have ranged from calling Florida Head Coach Urban Meyer a cheater to him informing recruit Alshon Jeffrey that if Jeffrey chose to play for the South Carolina Gamecocks, the kid would be pumping gas for the rest of his life. Good news for Kiffin: his boss has got his back.
In an interview with the Associated Press, Tennessee’s Athletic Director Mike Hamilton said that “Kiffin has been “misunderstood” and isn’t nearly as “cavalier” as the media makes him out to be.” And since there’s no such thing as bad publicity, Hamilton supports Kiffin because “[h]e has gotten Tennessee back on the map.”
Ben Roethlisberger Never Had Cancer!
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Despite online rumors to the contrary, no, Ben Roethlisberger does not have cancer. That’s right, Steelers fans, off the ledge, nice and easy.
Apparently, there was an online post by someone claiming to be him that stated Big Ben had skin cancer.
Roethlisberger said that he is not active on Facebook, MySpace or Twitter. His agent, Ryan Tollner, says he’s actively working to get those impostors and the misinformation they spread off the Internet.
Yeah, likely story, Ben. You think you’re smart, but I can see what you’re up to – you just are saying this to get a free toupee at the Hair Team For Men. I can see Ben now, after hitting on a girl while wearing his new hairpiece:
“She won’t talk to anyone, huh? Oh no, she won’t say a word to anybody. Well, she’s talking a blue streak now, Jack!”
When are people going to learn that when you try to pull stunts like they did on Seinfeld, it never works out?
On second thought, maybe it was an impostor who posted the message. Thankfully, Pro Football Talk warned us about the depths these fakers will sink in their attempts to trick and discredit well-respected, online journalists.
Roethlisberger denies Web rumors that he has cancer [Pittsburgh Tribune Review]
• Donte’ Stallworth may beat the manslaughter charge against him due to a technicality. It’s about time he “caught” a break. Get it? Because he’s a wide receiver and they catch things. Nevermind. Click on the link to With Leather to read funny shit. [Yahoo! Sports via With Leather]
• ESPN anchor Brian Kenny mixes it up with Floyd Mayweather. If you ask me, I think Kenny could flip Mayweather like a cheese omelette. [Awful Announcing]
• Carrie Underwood be lookin’ fine last night at the American Idol finale. Yes, it’s sports-related – she’s dating a hockey player. Stop questioning me. [Epic Carnival]
• Video of the greatest Wheel of Fortune contestant ever. I won’t even try to argue that this is sports-related – but it’s funny, so put that in your pipe and smoke it. [Sharapova's Thigh]
• Professional bull riders call their groupies “buckle bunnies” and when they bang them, it sounds like “fish slapping on pavement”, at least according to one journalist, who may be a few bottles short of a six-pack. [Deadspin]
• Finally, a report regarding Royals fans mixing it up in the play area at Kaufman Stadium. Won’t anybody think of the children?? [H/T Sports Rubbish]
Wang in a holding pattern? Isn’t that just a nice way to say you are a chronic masturbator?
Zing!
Hey, c’mon! That joke killed at my “Viagra Frequently Gives Me A Four-Hour Boner” support group. I think some of the guys wanted to give me a standing ovation for it, but…well, you know, so I had to settle for just an ovation, whatever that means.
WANG REMAINS IN HOLDING PATTERN [New York Post]
Photo courtesy of coach Mark Abboud via Star Tribune
Mark Abboud is the coach of the Minnesota Thunder’s 12-and-under girls soccer club. You could say he made a wee-bit of a mistake last weekend.
Here’s what went down: his team, playing against a heavily-favored and more talented 13-and-under team from the same club, fought bitterly and played a great game, forcing two overtimes and playing to a 1-1 tie.
That set the stage for a dramatic penalty shootout. The winner would go on toward the state cup, and likely, the regional tournament.
The back story: Last year, the team that is now called the Thunder was upset by a younger team that went on to get clobbered in state tournaments.
That’s when things got a little dicey, as they say.
