Archive for May, 2009
• NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs. Game 4, Pittsburgh Penguins at Carolina Hurricanes. If When Pittsburgh pulls off the sweep tonight, we are halfway to a rematch of last year’s Stanley Cup Finals. Sigh. [Versus, 7:30 ET]
• NBA Playoffs. Game 4, Eastern Conference Finals, Cleveland Cavaliers at Orlando Magic. David Stern will ensure the Cavs win tonight even if he has to run out on the floor and Nancy Kerrigan-ize Dwight Howard. [TNT, 8:30 ET]
• Major League Baseball. St. Louis Cardinals at Milwaukee Brewers. Watch Bernie Brewer slide down the waterslide after a home run, if you like. Otherwise, watch Prince Fielder get fatter. [ESPN, 8:00 ET]
• Basic Cable Movie of the Night. Double Teamed. Now, I’m not familiar with this movie, but it sounds pretty erotic, especially for the Disney Channel. I wonder if it stars Hannah Cyrus or whatever her name is. [Disney, 8:00 ET]
Just in case you run out of Lithium. TV’s 50 Funniest Phrases, where, according to Zap2It, they will be “counting down the 50 funniest catchphrases said on television.” Makes sense. [NBC, 8:00 ET]
• What I’ll be watching. Family Guy marathon. Four episodes that I’ve seen 100 times already but will watch again anyway followed by an epidode of The Office. Very funny. [TBS, 8:00 ET]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (May 26th)
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• How did Jeremy Shockey end up dehydrated in Las Vegas? You make the call. [Style Points]
• J.R. Smith flashed gang signs after he hit a three pointer? First question: who’s J.R. Smith? [Larry Brown Sports]
• Shaq and Lance Armstrong’s Twitter battle is on like Donkey Kong [The Rookies]
• Pey-Pey isn’t very happy with the Colts right now. [Shutdown Corner]
• TNT’s Ernie Johnson rules. [Awful Announcing]
• The MLB has licensed scratch-n-sniff baseball caps. I wonder if the Boston Red Sox hats smell like vinegar and water. [Home Run Derby]
At least as a far as I know it hasn’t up to this point. In fact, her recent column about college tennis has yet to cause any rumblings on any message boards or categorical denials from Alex Rodriguez.
So, what’s the column about anyway?
How in the hell am I supposed to know? Like I bothered to read a frigging column about college tennis written by Selena Roberts. What are the chances that there were any photos of Maria Sharapova or Sania Mirza in a column about college tennis? Slim to none, right? Well, there you go.
Break Point in College Tennis [SI.com]
According to a report filed by ESPN’s Mike Sando, Anquan Boldin has informed all interested parties that he intends to fire Drew Rosenhaus. In a statement issued to ESPN, Rosenhaus said:
“Regarding Anquan Boldin, let me say that I have great respect for him. I’m hopeful we can work this out and he can return to the Rosenhaus Sports family in the near future. We are proud to continue to represent his brother, D.J. Boldin. We would also like to take this opportunity to announce that we have signed Will Allen to a 2-year contract extension with the Dolphins worth $16.2 million. We are pleased to announce today that we have re-signed New Orleans Saints tight end Jeremy Shockey [to a representation agreement].”
So, Rosenhaus lost Boldin but got Shockey? Methinks that’s not really a good trade-off, but what do I know? I gave some dude one of my kidneys for a Klondike Bar.
All in all, kudos to Boldin for getting rid of one of the most arrogant and egotistical sumbitches in the world of professional sports. At least it gives Rosenhaus more time to update his Twitter thingamajobber.
Nevertheless, there is one thing I hope Boldin realizes: Rosenhaus WILL NOT BE IGNORED. Mark my words. How do I know this, you ask?
Next question.
Boldin plans to change agents [ESPN.com]
Now That’s A Headline
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(insert AIDS joke here)
When I saw this headline come across my feed reader, I thought Blogger Christmas (you know, when you leave a Hot Pocket out for St. Blog and he brings you nudie magazines and clean – not new – just clean – underwear) came early. Unfortunately, cooler heads prevailed at CBS because when I went to the article and prepared to press “Print Screen”, the headline had been changed to “No flagrant for Johnson’s elbow on Cavs’ Williams.”
Pussies.
UPDATE: It looks like USA Today kind of went with the humorous headline – a gold star for them.
• I have absolutely no idea what Wet Naps have to do with John Daly returning to the PGA Tour, I just went with it. [Devil Ball Golf]
• From the post: “One Thighning Moment 2K9″, a video/slideshow honoring the ladies of the 2009 Thighnal Four: Megan Fox, Elisha Cuthbert, Krystal Forscutt, and of course the champion, Keeley Hazell.” Maybe this video is why I was thinking of Wet Naps. [Sharapova's Thigh]
• Photos of Jeremy Shockey with chicks wearing body paint and little else. [Busted Coverage]
• WAG Danielle Lloyd got knocked-da-fuck-out and was sent to the hospital. Ouch. [Epic Carnival]
• Finally, I have no idea what the point of this LSUfreek gif is, but it is mesmerizing. I can’t stop watching it. [H/T The Sporting Blog]
Perpetually-angry-looking-man Joel Qunneville was fined $10,000 for comments he made after Chicago’s Game 4 loss to Detroit regarding a roughing call against defensemen Matt Walker. Never shy to speak his mind, Quenneville had this to say:
“I think we witnessed probably the worst call in the history of sports there. Nothing play.”
The worst.call.ever. Nothing even comes close in comparison. Other bad calls in the history of sports are miles away from the mindfuck the referees pulled making that call. Don’t even try arguing the point because Quenneville will kick the ever-living shit out of you if you even dare try it.
Quenneville also has reportedly said that X-Men Origins: Wolverine is the “worst movie in the history of cinema”, the Jon & Kate Plus Eight season premiere was the “dumbest thing on television ever”, the Harley-Smoot Tariff Act was “absolutely the most terrible piece of legislation ever introduced in the history of democracy” and that White Castle hamburgers “aren’t so bad – they’re actually pretty tasty.”
To be honest, I’m am somewhat confused by that last one – not that Sliders aren’t awesome, because they are, but I always pegged Quenneville as a Sonic guy. Huh.
Whatever he intends on doing to blow off steam regarding his fine, I have one piece of advice for Coach Q: give somebody your car keys – it’s never worth it, dude.
NHL fines Blackhawks coach Quenneville $10,000 [Yahoo!/AP]
Former Colorado Avalanche coach Joel Quenneville faces DUI charge [The Hockey News/The Canadian Press]
Inouye/AP
Jose Canseco got his ass kicked handily by Hong Man Choi in a MMA fight in Japan early this morning. The referee stopped the fight 1 minute, 17 seconds into the first round as Choi pummeled Canseco with blows to the head. Awesome. Here, let the douchiness wash over you with this bit of information:
Canseco came into the arena to the song Wild Thing with a baseball bat on his shoulder. He took a few swings of the bat after the fight was over and was helped out of the ring by his girlfriend Heidi Northcott.
Ugh. What’s next for Canseco, you ask? He will be fighting Bill Simmons at a celebrity boxing event in Atlantic City.
No, unfortunately it’s not the Bill Simmons from ESPN, although it would have been awesome if it had been – this Bill Simmons is a 6’4″, 300 pound dude cleverly nicknamed the “Wingador”, because, well, he eats a lot of chicken wings. If simply referencing the item that a person can eat a lot of is the method for getting a nickname these days, from this point forward, we should refer to Canseco as “Bagofdicksador.” Because Jose Canseco eats tons of cock, get it?
‘Bash Brother’ Jose Canseco gets bashed in mixed martial arts debut [New York Daily News]
Canseco strikes out in mixed martial arts debut [CBS Sports]
Mr. T (he’s still alive?) threw out the first pitch and sang “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” yesterday during the Cubs-Pirates game at Wrigley Field.
He looks great. But what’s up with the bandana, though? I wonder if Mr. T is balding and he has do some sort of a combover mowhawk now. That wouldn’t be good.
And who knew Mr. T was left-handed? It shows what a great actor he is, because if I remember correctly, Clubber Lang was a righty. That’s method acting at its finest, people.
[H/T Total Pro Sports]
• NBA Conference Finals: Despite Carmelo Anthony suffering from a stomach virus and a twisted ankle and only scoring 15 points, the Denver Nuggets blew out the Los Angeles Lakers 120-101 to even up the series 2-2. Kenyon Martin and Nene both notched double doubles, getting 13 points, 15 rebounds and 14 points and 13 rebounds respectfully respectively (what am I, a goddamn moron? Jesus). Chauncey Billups and J.R. Smith each scored 24 points in the victory. [NBA.com]
• MLB Roundup. The Cleveland Indians rallied from 10 runs down to beat the Tampa Bay Rays 11-10. There were also a few blowouts: Detroit beat Kansas City, 13-1, the White Sox kicked the crap out of the Angels 17-3 and the Dodgers whooped the Rockies 16-6. [MLB.com Scoreboard]
• NASCAR. A rain-shortened Coca-Cola 600 ended with some guy named David Reutimann winning. Coming up later on Sportress of Blogitude: how to turn the cars sitting on concrete blocks in your yard into a profitable bed and breakfast. It’s all about the window treatments, people. [Yahoo!]
• Oh. He’s from Utah? Now it makes sense. Confirming once again why I find no need whatsoever to visit Utah, a 11-year-old boy from there allowed 43 snails to crawl on his face in his twisted and misguided attempt to get into the Guinness Book of World Records. Video of the woodhead performing his stunt can be found here, but instead of placing said video on my site, I will better utilize this space to embed a sketch from Mr. Show. The prevailing message contained therein is oddly fitting for this story. [MSNBC]
And no, I don’t mean he touches 12-year-old girls from Kansas inappropriately when no one is looking (although that may be the case as well). A transplanted Minnesotan now living in Arizona at an assisted-care living facility, Edwin Dibos has a few tricks up his sleeve, including a rather unique topical treatment that keep a man his age still out there hitting the links:
When asked about his longevity nearly 16 years ago after making his hole-in-one, Dibos said his secret was a combination of “fast food, Pepto Bismol and WD-40,” which he rubbed into his joints before playing.
WD-40? I suppose when you consider it for a moment, it makes sense. According to Dibos, “It works great, and after a while you don’t even notice the smell.”
• NHL Stanley Cup Finals. Game 3, Detroit Red Wings at Chicago Blackhawks. Down in the series 2-0, if Chicago doesn’t win tonight, it’s over, if it wasn’t already. [Versus, 8:00 ET]
• NBA Basketball. Game 2, Orlando Magic at Cleveland Cavaliers. Somehow, if the Magic can pull out another win in Cleveland tonight, there’s a pretty good chance the city will be a burning pile of rubble come sunrise tomorrow. [TNT, 8:30 ET]
•Basic Cable Movie of the Night. Unforgiven. Goddamn right. Nothing more needs to be said regarding this classic. [History, 8:00 ET]
• Oooh! Science! Mythbusters. Episode: Alcohol Myths – “Jamie, Adam and Kari apply science to the theory that the more they drink, the more attractive they find the opposite sex.” Huh. If that’s what they are attempting to establish, a better name for the show would be Obviousprovers. [Discovery Channel, 8:00 ET]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (May 22nd)
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• According to Padres’ announcer Mike Grant, David Eckstein is one of the greatest baseball players to ever play the game. Oh, the hyperbole! [Awful Announcing]
• James Harrison’s dog bit his son. Wouldn’t it be a tad ironic if the mutt was a Portuguese Water Dog? [Mondesi's House]
• Randy Johnson will have his revenge on Seattle. [Babes Love Baseball]
• Goofy video of one of the goofiest bastards in the goofy history of the goofy internet. Yikes. [Uncoached]
Slow, slow day on the ‘tubes. So here’s the “Daddy Drank” sketch from Kids in the Hall. Why? Why not, I say.
Robert Jeangerard, 75-year-old member of the gold medal winning U.S. Olympic basketball team, is missing. Jeangerard suffers from Alzheimer’s disease and his family says that “he has wandered off before, but usually is found quickly. This time, he hasn’t turned up since leaving the house with apparently no money Monday night.”
Holy cripes, Monday night? That’s a long time for an old man with Alzheimer’s to be missing. I hope for his sake, as well as his family’s, that he turns up no worse for wear.
While a joke about an elderly man with Alzheimer’s that has disappeared is never appropriate, something about the story makes me wonder if something else is going on here. Something fishy.
If I were the police, I would check out all of the outdoor basketball courts in the area and look for two elderly men shooting hoops – Jeangerard and this guy. They could very well be out there hustling young punks out of their money. They could make a movie about it: Old Men Can’t Jump – Or Poop.
Yeah, I’m the asshole. Hey, I’m not the one planning on making a basketball movie about a guy with Alzheimer’s gone missing. Focus your hatred where it belongs – on that person, whoever it is.
Police search for missing Olympic gold medalist [SI.com/AP]
Septuagenarian Shooting Guard Suits Up For College Hoops Team [Deadspin]
Sam Cassell, pictured above with his sister, Mas, formally announced that his playing days were over Thursday and instead of returning to his home planet to help his brethren in their war against the Pentanguans, selfishly signed on to become an assistant coach for the Washington Wizards, joining Randy Whitman on Flip Saunders’ coaching staff.
“After 15 seasons playing in this league, I have accomplished all that I have dreamed of as a player,” Cassell said. “Now the time has come for to me to take my love for the game to the coaching ranks and pass on what I’ve learned. This team is loaded with talent, and it’s a great way for me to start my coaching career.”
Oh, perhaps I have underestimated Cassell. For those of you who are ignorant in the ways of the cosmos or forgot to bring their tin foil hat along to work with you, the above quote may appear innocuous, when in fact it is a message to his planet that he will deliver via subspace transmission.
I know what you’re wondering – what is Cassell trying to tell them?
How in the hell am I supposed to know? Does it look like I know how to translate English into Cassell’s Rajonestene dialect? What do I look like – a Teniypelernkesa translator? Sheesh!
Cassell retires, joins Wizards coaching staff [USA Today]
