Sam Cassell, pictured above with his sister, Mas, formally announced that his playing days were over Thursday and instead of returning to his home planet to help his brethren in their war against the Pentanguans, selfishly signed on to become an assistant coach for the Washington Wizards, joining Randy Whitman on Flip Saunders’ coaching staff.
“After 15 seasons playing in this league, I have accomplished all that I have dreamed of as a player,” Cassell said. “Now the time has come for to me to take my love for the game to the coaching ranks and pass on what I’ve learned. This team is loaded with talent, and it’s a great way for me to start my coaching career.”
Oh, perhaps I have underestimated Cassell. For those of you who are ignorant in the ways of the cosmos or forgot to bring their tin foil hat along to work with you, the above quote may appear innocuous, when in fact it is a message to his planet that he will deliver via subspace transmission.
I know what you’re wondering – what is Cassell trying to tell them?
How in the hell am I supposed to know? Does it look like I know how to translate English into Cassell’s Rajonestene dialect? What do I look like – a Teniypelernkesa translator? Sheesh!
Cassell retires, joins Wizards coaching staff [USA Today]