Archive for April, 2009
• Breaking News: Bleacher Report writer David Xaviel has the courage to finally write what everyone has always thought: Tom Brady is a miserable piece of shit. [Bleacher Report]
• Today must be the day for athlete reality shows: Chris Cooley has one now: “The Cooley Zone.” Meh. I would have went with “Cooleyhigh Harmony.” (BoyzIIMen, ABC, BBD, the East Coast Family) [Mr. Irrelevant]
• Headline: Cuff ‘Em: Two-Timing Math Teacher Naked As Teen Lover Killed By Other Boy Toy. Confused? The estimable J Koot explains. [Busted Coverage]
• Chris Chase breaks down the NFL schedule and gives you his picks for the five worst prime-time games next season. Interesting note: not all of the games involve Tony Kornheiser in the booth for them. Hmm. [Shutdown Corner]
From the “Who Are The Ad Wizards Who Came Up With This One?” department comes the news that Michael Vick, in an effort to defray the costs of his legal fees, “has talked to producers about launching an unscripted program.”
Someone quoted in the article has already beaten every wisenheimer to the punch by saying, “It sure won’t be Animal Planet.” BOO-YAH, anonymous source!
The plan is to have the reality show begin on July 20th, which is the day Vick is scheduled to be released and the format would help him “make amends for his past.”
Yeah, make amends, make bank – same difference.
The hi-larious Phoenix Suns pulled a hi-larious prank on Shaq-Fu recently when they filled his automobile with pink styrofoam peanuts. Ashton Kutcher nods in approval as he gets passed up for another role.
Perhaps stuff like this is wht Shaq wants out of Phoenix and reportedly wants to play for the Mavericks. I imagine if Shaq played for Dallas and Mark Cuban and this prank occurred, his automobile would have been filled with gold boullion cubes. And possibly shredded documents from shady investment deals.
Shaquille O’Neal Pranked by Teammate [NBA Fanhouse]
Will The Shaq-Cuban Love Affair Live Forever? [Deadspin]
• Three games went into extra innings last night in the Major League: the Baltimore Orioles beat the Texas Rangers 7-5 with a 4-run 10th, the Minnesota Twins edged the Toronto Blue Jays 3-2 in 11 innings on Joe Crede’s RBI double and the Oakland A’s outlasted the Boston Red Sox 6-5 in 12 innings [MLB.com Scoreboard]
• Only three games on the docket last night in the NBA: the Hawks edged the Heat 81-79, the Celtics beat the 76ers 100-98 and the Lakers handled the Jazz 125-112. [NBA.com Scoreboard]
• The NFL Season schedule is out! The NFL Season schedule is out! There is now less than 4 months until the season starts. That’s not that long to wait, is it? Don’t tell me. [NFL.com]
• You Know Your Bit Is Played Out When The Catholic Church Is Riffing Off Your Material: Looking for that “almost baptized feeling” and don’t know where to turn? Just listen to Father Vic and get yourself some SoulWow*! Good news: the availability of SoulWow has now been extended.
I’m serious – this is all too real. P.S. I am not a crackpot. [Yahoo! News/Associated Press] [SoulWow.com]
* except non-Catholics
• NFL: SportsCenter Schedule Release Special. Have you had just about enough of waiting to see who the Raiders play in Week #3? If you haven’t, you’re not a real man with no life. [ESPN, 8:00 EST]
• NBA Basketball Doubleheader. I’d tune in just to watch Charles Barkley and see what he has to say, but tonight’s action is as follows: Boston Celtics at Philadelphia 76ers [TNT, 8:00 EST]; Utah Jazz at Los Angeles Lakers [TNT, 10:30 EST].
• Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel. Tonight’s episode features: “Profile of Philadelphia Phillies manager Charlie Manuel; examining the shootings of young athletes; revisiting the movement to ban dodge ball in schools.” I wonder if Bryant will be condescending and behave arrogantly, because that’s his bit in case you haven’t noticed. [HBO, 10:00 EST]
• Movie of the Night: The Greatest Game Every Played. [Golf, 8:30 EST] It’s about the 1913 U.S. Open and stars Transformers’ Shia LaBeouf. What more could you ask for? A sexy Megan Fox photo, you say? Okay, just this time:
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (April 14th)
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• Ole Miss football player ruptures testicle in scrimmage. My guess is he did it just to get out of wind sprints. Man, those sucked. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]
• Big League Stew breaks down the six game suspension of Josh Beckett. [Big League Stew]
• Bud Selig goes a little bit too far in his efforts to honor Jackie Robinson. Personally, I just wish he would go a little too far in his efforts to achieve orgasm by use of erotic asphyxiation. [Walkoff Walk]
• Mike Golic did not enjoy all of the food NutriSystem had to offer. Now he knows how we feel about his radio shows. [Awful Announcing]
• Finally, instead of continously linking to him over the next couple of days and to save everyone time, I am issuing an S.O.B. Executive Order: throughout the NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs and beyond: Go Read Puck Daddy – every day. Do it. [Puck Daddy]
Puck Daddy touched on this briefly Monday in his afternoon “Puck Headlines”, when he mentioned that NHL.com has hand-picked and provided a forum for Tori Spelling and her husband to blog about the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Brilliant idea, of course – who doesn’t want to know what Donna thinks about hockey?
I couldn’t believe this was the best that the NHL could come up with, so I went and checked out who else NHL.com has “celebrity” blogging for them and have graded each one insofar as their celebrity status is concerned.
Bigwigs from the Dallas area have formed a committee whose goal is to convince the College Football Hall of Fame to move from its current location in South Bend, Indiana to the much flashier Dallas area.
The Dallas committee committed to attracting the College Football Hall of Fame includes [Dallas Mayor] Leppert, [Roger] Staubach, Sanders, former Dallas Cowboys running back Emmitt Smith, billionaire oilman T. Boone Pickens, TM Advertising president Tom Hansen and DowntownDallas president and chief executive John Crawford.
Sure, mayors and billionaire oilmen are great, but if they want to convince those in charge of the College Football Hall of Fame to come to Dallas, they would be wise to let Emmitt and Deion do the talking. Listening to those two pontificate on the benefits of the Dallas area would be like listening to Stupid in Stereo.
• Epic Fail over at NHL.com. HTML engraving must be as hard as Bettman’s skull. [Melt Your Face Off]
• Add this example to the garbage heap of reasons why Sportscenter sucks a fat one. [Bugs & Cranks]
• Apparently, this is a video of Romanian rugby players brawling, not playing rugby. I can’t tell the difference. [Deuce of Davenport]
• An orgy of postseason previews, you say? Good thing I already took my pants off. [Puck Daddy]
• University of Tennessee men’s basketball coach Bruce Pearl raps? Ah, he’s better than Will Smith, but that’s really not saying much. [below video via The Sporting Blog]
The curse that has plagued Boston teams for far too long is finally over. According to an EA Sports simulation of the Stanley Cup Playoffs on NHL ’09, the Boston Bruins will soon be crowned Stanley Cup Champions, ending a horrible drought of no titles for the once championship drunk city of Boston. It has been nearly 3 days, you know.
The Boston Bruins last Stanley Cup came 37 years ago, so it is due time for them to finally win one.
The simulation saw the Bruins advance to the final — their first since 1990 — by beating the Montreal Canadiens in six games in the opening round, upending the Carolina Hurricanes in six games in round two and edging the Washington Capitals in seven games in a thrilling Eastern Conference final.
Today is the day we have all been waiting for – will he or won’t he?
No, we’re not referring to anything transvestite-related (although that would be much more interesting) - news on whether Oscar De La Hoya will formally retire from professional boxing could come as early as today, according to published reports.
The Golden Boy, now 36 years old and already established as one of the great fighters of his era (39-6, 30 knockouts), apparently informed “his former trainer Freddie Roach in the seconds after his lopsided defeat at the hands of Manny Pacquiao in December: ‘You were right, Freddie, I don’t have it anymore.’”
Allen Iverson can’t seem to catch a break these days. First he gets traded to the Detroit Pistons from the Denver Nuggets for Chauncey Billups and Denver goes on a tear and is currently sitting as the second seed in the Western Conference. Detroit, on the other hand, underachieved all season, barely sneaking into the playoffs as the eight seed in the Eastern Conference as Iverson dealt with injuries and “attempted” to adjust to coming off the bench for the Pistons, utlimately leading to Iverson not playing out the remainder of the season. Now this.
Iverson, though, has been banned mostly for his boorish behavior. He is a bad loser, and he loses a lot, often throwing his chips or cards at the dealer. He has been warned about improper behavior at the tables repeatedly. He is often loud and disruptive, according to witnesses, rude to dealers, other players and the wait staff.
Allen Iverson is a bad loser? I find that hard to believe. It’s not that he’s a sore loser, he’s simply the ultimate competitor and hates to lose. When he throws chips or cards at a dealer, he is only displaying his intensity. People often confuse “boorish” and “rude” with “dedication” and “heart.” It’s not his fault the employees of the casino fail to realize this.
Don’t worry, A.I., I got your back on this one. Some people just don’t understand how hard it is to be you. You would kill to be starting and playing 35-40 minutes a game, but it’s that gosh-darn back injury holding you back, not your refusal to come off the bench. Some players don’t know when to quit, others just quit. Which one is Allen Iverson?
Iverson Banned From 2 Detroit Casinos [NBA Fanhouse]
Iverson banned from casinos [The Detroit News Pistons Blog]
• The Mets christen Citi Field with a loss, getting edged to the surprising 6-2 San Diego Padres by the score of 6-5. Seems, I don’t know, oddly fitting. [MLB.com]
• Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Get your NHL Stanley Cup playoff schedule right here! Feel the excitement that can only be experienced when you find out your favorite team will be on Versus! [NHL.com]
• Yawn. The Cleveland Cavaliers claim home court advantage throughout the playoffs on account of their 117-109 victory over the Indiana Pacers. Seriously, was there ever any doubt? The NBA is getting as predictable as Wrestlemania, I tell ya. [NBA.com]
• Orlando Hudson became the second Dodger in history to hit for the cycle as he led L.A. to a 11-1 win over the San Francisco Giants. Hudson soured the experience for Dodgers fans when he said he would have rather accomplished this feat playing for the Cleveland Indians. [MLB.com]
• Styx thinks these people have too much time on their hands and it’s ticking away at their sanity. Swedish parishioners unveil a Jesus statue they made out of 30,000 Lego blocks. It’s not as impressive when you realize that these people are total nerds and they lost their jobs at IKEA in the process. [Yahoo! News]
• Major League Baseball: It’s the official opening of Citi Field tonight when the San Diego Padres visit the New York Mets. Try to contain your excitement. [ESPN, 7:00 EST]
• Boxing: Tomasz Adamek takes on Steve Cunningham in a cruiserweight from Newark, New Jersey. It’s on Versus, so you know it’s good. [Versus, 8:00 EST]
Clearly, it’s a pretty thin night for sports-watching. So why don’t you try expanding your mind with one of these:
• Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations: If you haven’t caught an episode of No Reservations featuring Anthony Bourdain on the Travel channel, you have been missing out. Bourdain possesses the perfect combination of acerbic wit, supreme food knowledge and the ability to not take himself too seriously. Tonight’s episode features Bourdain sampling the cuisine of Washington, D.C. Not an exotic locale, but it should still be interesting. [Travel, 8:00 EST]
• Ax Men marathon: If you want visual evidence of what a weak and pathetic man you are, watch three episodes of this show and weep into your little blanky, girlie man. [History, 7:00-10:00 EST]
• Movie of the Night: Caddyshack. What? You have only seen it 50 times? Time to put or shut up, losers. [Bravo, 8:30 EST]
This concludes the broadcasting day of Sportress of Blogitude. In case you’re wondering, we don’t finish off with the National Anthem like others do. Mainly because we’re communists here. Good night, comrades.
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (April 13th)
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• Tony Hawk has organized a worldwide “Easter Egg” Hunt, hiding autographed skateboards all over the globe. If I were to find one of those boards, I wouldn’t skate on it for fear I would lose control and it would fly and go “owwuta owwuta owwuta SHEGLANK!” Nothing? Hasn’t anybody out there ever seen Animal Chin? [Shred or Die via Sports Crackle Pop!]
• “Celebrity” Tori Spelling and her husband “actor” Dean McDermott will be blogging for NHL.com during the Stanley Cup playoffs, rooting for the Calgary Flames. Why these two? Were Mindy Cohn and Nancy McKeon not available? [NHL.com via Puck Daddy]
• Someone did a risqué horse photoshoot, you say? Does Dee Mirich really need more masturbatory materials? [The Sports Hernia Blog]
• Jayson Werth and Ryan Howard of the Philiadelphia Phillies share a heater in the dugout before this afternoon’s game. Won’t somebody think of the children??? [Mr. Irrelevant]
