Archive for April, 2009
It’s A Bird, It’s A Plane! It’s A — Bird
Posted by:
AP Photo/John Bazemore
Last night’s game between the Miami Heat and the Atlanta Hawks was briefly delayed when Spirit the Hawk, Atlanta’s real-life mascot, got loose and perched himself on top of one of the baskets.
Thankfully for everyone in attendance, it was an actual Hawk, not Tony Hawk – or even worse, a copy of the shit-tastic Bruce Willis star vehicle, Hudson Hawk. Arena employees would have had to put on Hazmat suits and decontaminate the joint if one of those DVDs got loose.
Goddamn birds. You know you can’t trust them – one minute they’re perched on your wrist behaving nicely and the next thing you know they are pecking out grandma’s cold, dead eyes. Man, was that an awkward funeral. It was like a scene from The Birds set in a mortuary.
An Actual Hawk Interrupts Atlanta’s Game [NBA Fanhouse]
Hudson Hawk [Wikipedia]
• NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs Roundup: Boston brought out le balai in Montreal as the Bruins completed the four-game sweep of the Canadiens 4-1. What do you think of our anthem now??? America, Fuck Yeah!; the Rangers went up 3-1 in their series with the Capitals with a win by the score of 2-1 – it looks like Ovie may be headed for premature playoff extinction; and Calgary kept coming after Chicago and even their series 2-2 with a 6-4 win. [NHL.com Scoreboard]
• NBA Playoffs Wrapup: the Orlando Magic held on after Dwight Howard fouled out to beat the Atlanta Hawks 96-87 to tie the series up at 1-1; the Heat evened up their series with the Hawks one game apiece as they beat Atlanta 108-93; and the Nuggets thrashed the Hornets 108-93 to go up two games to none in their series with New Orleans. [NBA.com Scoreboard]
• Major League Baseball: Al Stewart (look it up) ain’t around to tell me if this is the Year of the Shutout, but I can guarantee you that there were more shutouts last night (5) than there will be in new Yankee Stadium in the next 5 seasons: Arizona 2, Colorado 0; San Francisco 1, San Diego 0; Atlanta 1, Washington 0; Cincinnati 3, Chi Cubs 0; and Kansas City 2, Cleveland 0. [MLB.com Scoreboard]
• She Really Screwed The Groom After She (Allegedly) Screwed The Groom. Sandrina Purdum’s magical wedding day turned into a nightmare when guest Jennifer Angevine – who was groom Harold Purdum’s boss at the time – got up and let everyone know that she has been banging Harold and Sandrina was ruining everything. Oh yeah, now the Purdums are suing Angevine. Only in America! [AOL News]
No word on whether Angevine was also the greatest guitar player in the world. Self-taught!
Jimmy Smith, the legendary wide receiver for the Jacksonville Jaguars, was arrested at a Jacksonville gas station and booked on multiple drug charges:
Smith — who was arrested early this afternoon after being pulled over in Jacksonville — was booked for felony possession of cocaine, possession of 20 grams or less of marijuana, possession of drug paraphernalia and driving with a suspended license. Smith was also charged with felony possession/sell of a controlled substance.
Hoo boy. That ain’t good. I tried to warn everyone about the risks and consequences of changing a team jersey.
More on this tomorrow. Have a good evening, ladies and gents – at least a better time than Ol’ Jimmy is having.
Jag Legend Booked on Multiple Drug Charges [TMZ]
Jimmy Smith Arrested on Multiple Drug Charges at Jacksonville Gas Station [NFL Fanhouse]
Yawn.
So, the Jacksonville Jaguars got themselves some new fancy uniforms – makes sense for a team that has been in the NFL for LESS THAN 20 YEARS. Yeah, things were certainly getting a little stale down in Florida. Time to change some shit up.
• NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs: Things kick-off with Game 4 between the Washington Capitals and the New York Rangers (7:00 EST) and conclude with another Game 4 – Chicago Blackhawks at Calgary Flames (10:00 EST) [Versus]
• NBA Playoffs: Miami Heat at Atlanta Hawks (8:00 EST) and New Orleans Hornets at Denver Nuggets (10:30 EST). [TNT]
• Major League Baseball: Mets at Cardinals [ESPN, 8:00 EST]
• Shit You Shouldn’t Watch But Might: American Idol – seriously, fuck this show. [Fox, 9:00 EST]
• Shit You Should Watch And Then Change The Channel Before American Idol: Lie to Me – I have really developed a liking for this show, but I would watch Tim Roth read the phone book. [Fox, 8:00 EST]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (April 22nd)
Posted by:
• You know, they’re right: why should anyone give a flying fuck about this Moneyball movie? [Walkoff Walk]
• The 49ers are rumored to be going old school with their uniforms, and MJD digs it [Shutdown Corner]
• Video footage of the best.beer.vendor. evah. [Mouthpiece Sports]
• And the nine finalists for the cover of Madden 2010 are… [Awful Announcing]
• College Snuggies? But why would anyone pay money for one of these?
Oh, they’re referring to those lame-ass blanket robes? How much must your life suck balls if buying one of those with a college logo would complete your day? [SportsBiz With Darren Rovell]
And trust me, you may want “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Genuine Remorse” to be just as good as “Genuine Remorse”, but you can tell the difference. You can tell.
Here’s what Herr Goodell had to say regarding Michael Vick having the opportunity to be welcomed back into the loving, welcoming, cash-stuffed bosom of the National Football League at some point in the future:
“At that point in time, I will want to meet with Michael, I will want to meet with his people, I will want to meet with other professionals to understand: does he understand the mistakes he made and is he genuine and have remorse for those actions and is he prepared to handle himself differently going forward. That will ultimately be my decision.”
I wonder who these “other professionals” are that Mr. Goodell is referring to, because if his previous single-minded decisions as Commissioner are any indication, these so-called professionals are probably only constructs of his own depraved mind. My guess is he refers to these apparitions as something along the lines of “Dr. Goger Roodell” and the esteemed scientist, “Mr. Wizard”, as Don Herbert was always a childhood hero of Goodell.
Roger Goodell’s looking for ‘genuine remorse’. Aren’t we all. [Shutdown Corner]
Goodell: Vick’s ticket back is “genuine remorse” [Yahoo!]
The Philadelphia Eagles held the final round of cheerleader tryouts in front of a sold-out crowd at the Prince Music Theater where it will be decided who of the 60 talented performers who auditioned last night will be selected to fill out the 38 roster spots available on the squad.
But who made it? Sorry, you’ll have to be patient, keep it in your pants and temporarily avoid the restraining order for a little while longer.
This morning, 13 newcomers and 25 returnees got the good news. They’ll convene for the first time Thursday night – to sign their contracts. But the official unveiling will happen Saturday afternoon during the Eagles’ draft day party at Lincoln Financial Field.
But that’s (counts on fingers)…(breaks out abacus)…
…three days away!
Don’t worry, I have another photo after the jump. Oh, and a slideshow from last evening’s event can be found here.
• Versus cut away from the thrilling finish of last night’s Hurricanes/Devils game, before Carolina scored with :00.2 seconds remaining for little or no reason whatsoever. I can’t believe a top-notch organization could make such a gaffe. [NHL Fanhouse]
• Brian Billick wishes he had said more stupid things during his time as head coach of the Baltimore Ravens. Come again? [The Toy Department]
• Coach K was on with Stephen Colbert last night. Unfortunately, Colbert never asked Coach K about his bloodlust for children. [The Dagger]
• Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. Whoa. People actually get paid to blog? What the fungus? And here I am spending all this time writing Sportress of Blogitude like an idiot only hoping that Jodie Foster will some day notice me. [The Big Lead]
• It’s been making its way around the ‘tubes all morning, so here you go: Ref getting hit in the face with soccer ball. I like it fine, but “Football In The Groin” had a football in the groin. [Sports Rubbish]
The NCAA Finally Gets Something Right
Posted by:
Rejoice, friends, rejoice! The head honchos at the NCAA finally got their heads out of their collective asses and approved sand volleyball as a legitimate sport – and by legitimate, I mean it legitimizes erections at a college sporting event (I’ll never live down what happened at that bowling tournament – I tell ya, it was the pleat of the pants!).
The sport, known on the professional and Olympic levels as beach volleyball, will be called sand volleyball to make it more attractive to landlocked schools.
Good call, NCAA. Beaches are only possible next to oceans. Most dimwits in Middle America wouldn’t know what a beach is if you walked them down to the nearest lake, pond or river and pointed one out to them.
The approval ensures sand volleyball will be a varsity sport for the 2010-11 academic year and everyone is very excited, including CEO of AVP Pro Beach Volleyball Jason Hodell:
“We are thrilled that the NCAA has voted to make sand volleyball a collegiate sport. The vote confirms the momentum behind the sport of beach volleyball, and we are excited to help grow our sport on the college level and create new beach volleyball stars around the country.”
Heh-heh. Grow our sport, confirm momentum behind, college level…wait. What?
NCAA approves ‘sand’ volleyball [SI.com]
Showing that no athletic competition is safe anymore from the spectre of drug use looming over it and bringing into question the integrity of the sport, the Japan Sumo Association has implemented random drug testing to ensure strict adherence to sumo wrestling’s new anti-doping rules.
Several top wrestlers, including grand champion Asashoryu of Mongolia, were given urine tests by Mitsubishi Chemical Medience Corp., Japan’s only institution certified by world anti-doping agency WADA. The results will be disclosed at a later date.
Despite the evidence indicating otherwise, I’m somewhat surprised that sumo wrestling has a performance-enhancing drug problem. What are they testing for – Weight Gain 4000?
In January, second-division wrestler Wakakirin was arrested on suspicion of possessing marijuana, becoming the first Japanese wrestler to be arrested in a marijuana case and the latest to be exiled from the sumo world.
Ohhhhh. It all makes perfect sense now. Can you imagine how many bags of Doritos an average-sized sumo wrestler could put back after a few bong rips? That’ll keep their weight up.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I suddenly have a hankering for Taco Bell. What do you mean they’re probably not open yet? I guess I’ll have to sit and wait in the parking lot – again.
Japan Sumo Association begins random doping tests after series of drug-related scandals (Associated Press) [Star Tribune]
Who Wants To Hex Mutombo?
Posted by:It’s a sad day for basketball fans and finger wavers everywhere: Rockets backup center Dikembe Mutombo’s career is over after he suffered a knee injury last night in Houston’s loss to the Portland Trailblazers.
“For me, basketball is over,” he said.
Mutombo was taken off the court on a stretcher and had to fight back tears in the locker room after the game.
Known as much for his charity work as his NBA career, Mutombo has been an eight-time All-Star and a Defensive Player of the Year four times.
“I’ve had a wonderful 18 years of staying injury-free, so I just want to go out with my head up, no regrets,” he said.
Buck up, Dikembe. As the saying goes, when one door closes, another opens. Hopefully, that door is an entrance to a Georgetown bar.
Knee injury may end Mutombo’s career [ESPN]
WHO WANTS TO SEX MUTOMBO?! [the mighty mjd sports blog]
Not that there’s anything wrong with it, but I have to say that this was an odd choice. I mean, for a WNBA game, sure, but this was the NBA Playoffs, you think they could have landed a celebrity of some sort, not just some gal who happened to be in attendance with her life partner, Chris.
What’s that? That’s Cleveland’s own Drew Carey, the guy that hosts The Price is Right? Really? Huh. In that case, um, Cleveland rocks, rah rah rah, or something.
** photo courtesy of Associated Press/Tony Dejak
• NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs Roundup: Alex Burrows scored late in overtime to lead the Canucks to a 3-2 win and a series sweep over the Blues; Jussi Jokinen scored with :00.2 seconds left in regulation to lift the Carolina Hurricanes over the New Jersey Devils to even the series up 2-2; Pittsburgh handled a barrage of shots by Philadelphia and won 3-1 to give the Penguins a commanding 3-1 series lead; Detroit now is in complete control with a 3 games to 0 after a convincing 4-1 victory over Columbus; and San Jose finally realized that these playoff games are pretty important as the beat Anaheim 4-3 as they try to claw their way back into their first round matchup with the Ducks. [NHL.com Scoreboard]
• NBA Playoffs Recap: Cleveland handles Detroit 94-82 (Cavaliers lead 2-0), the Trailblazers hold on to beat the Rockets 107-103 (series tied one game apiece) and the Lakers take care of the Jazz 119-109 (L.A. leads 2-0). [NBA.com Scoreboard]
• MLB: Nick Markakis went 4-4 and Brad Bergesen pitched 5 2/3 innings in his Major League debut as the Baltimore Orioles pounded the Chicago White Sox 10-2 [MLB.com]
• She Now Wonders Why She Left Her Job As A Wal-Mart Greeter For This: A 52-year old(!!!!) aspiring exotic dancer was attacked by a fellow stripper on her first day on the job. The angry co-worker attacked Grandma with her stiletto heel because she felt the club didn’t need more strippers. No word on whether her employers were real pleased with her song choices for dancing, either: “Lawrence Welk’s Greatest Hits” and “The Chatanooga Choo-Choo.” [AOL News]
Drug testing will take place at the British Open for the first time ever this year when the oldest golf major makes its way to Turnberry Golf Course in South Ayrshire, Scotland this summer on July 16th. According to Peter Dawson, the chief executive of Royal & Ancient:
“The players are already well accustomed to drug testing and will look at this as just another week on tour…we will be using the European Tour’s anti-doping procedures which are well tried and tested. The Royal & Ancient thoroughly supports the anti-doping policies at golf events.”
Oh, I see. They’re only testing the players. Whew – I was worried there for a moment. In case you didn’t know, you never want to get in between a Scot and his smack. Some lessons like that shouldn’t have to be learned the hard way.
British Open to Introduce Drug Tests [The Washington Post]
