Archive for April, 2009
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (April 24th)
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• Someone from Ohio has a mullet? Get outta here! [The Big Lead]
• 3-foot, 2-inch David Flood tried out for the New York Revolution, a minor league baseball team. That’s the one thing this guy isn’t prepared for: a flood. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]
• Danica Patrick appears in a bikini in Shape magazine. Hooray! [The World of Isaac]
• Mike Comrie of the New York Islanders is probably quite happy his team isn’t in the playoffs – you know, with dating Hillary Muff Duff and all. [Eric Carnival]
• Dan Shanoff and Erin Andrews at the NCAA Football 2010 launch. Most.Awkward.Photo.Ever. [The Sporting Blog]
(AP Photo/Claudio Cruz)
Michelle Wie’s game might be finally catching up to the hype that has surrounded her since she was a 14-year old prodigy, as she entered today’s second round of the Corona Championship one stroke behind leader Lorena Ochoa.
Currently, she is in the clubhouse and tied for first with four other golfers at -9, although there are many golfers still out on the course.
At an offensive meeting during training camp in mid-August...
Kurt: Well, I have lost complete control of the offense. Why did I let Anquan get traded to another team? I mean, we were having so much fun last season. We were winning, we were celebrating, we were dancing.
(Kurt starts dancing, Coach Whisenhunt flips out)
Kurt: What?
Coach Whisenhunt: (He shows him) This “umpf” thing.
Kurt: It’s dancing.
Coach Whisenhunt: No, no. That ain’t dancing, Sally.
Kurt: I dance fine.
Coach Whisenhunt: You stink.
• Alyssa Milano has run out of current baseball players to sleep with so now she’s turning her sights on Hall of Famers [Bugs & Cranks]
• Larry Fitzgerald and Troy Polamalu get the Madden 2010 cover – 30 teams breathe sigh of relief. [With Leather]
• Newsday writer who gets into games for free wants everyone to quit bitching about ticket prices. Asshat. [Can't Stop The Bleeding]
• Waste of television programming Pros vs Joes is back, with Michael Strahan and Jay Glazer. Kill me now. [Awful Announcing]
• Finally, a worthwhile, athlete-endorsed product: The Dikembe Mutombo Arm!
Big ups to tonyblogs.net via Yardbarker for the video
Instead of doing yardwork and checking out garage sales the weekend of May 3rd, how about hopping a flight down to Miami to get the chance to box Jose Canseco?
That’s right. On Sunday, May 3rd, “any average Joe can enter a boxing ring in Miami Dade Mall during tryouts for a chance to fight Jose Canseco.” All it costs is $50 to get the chance to impress event organizers and voila! You could be the next person to knock out Jose “The Syringe” Canseco – do you like it? I just made that up – I think it would be a great nickname, as in “I’m Jose ‘The Syringe’ Canseco, and I’m here to inject pain into my opponent – and HGH if they’re interested.”
Sad news out of the land of Nerd – even esteemed universities like the M.I.T. are feeling the squeeze of these difficult economic times, as the college announced it will be axing eight varsity sports programs, citing cost-cutting as the primary reason – $485,000 of the athletic department’s $9.7 million budget will be saved.
Student Life Dean Costantino Colombo and athletic director Julie Soriero said in a letter posted on the university’s Web site Thursday that alpine skiing, golf, men’s and women’s ice hockey, men’s and women’s gymnastics, pistol and wrestling will be eliminated at the end of the academic year.
Costantino Colombo? I sure wouldn’t want to upset someone with a name like that, so all of you varsity sports better do as he says, nice and easy-like. He declined to elaborate how he would go about getting rid of each of the sports, but my guess is it will either involve a bullet to the back of the head or possibly a concrete boot-fitting followed-up by a dip in the Charles River.
Finally, a story about youth sports that does not involve parents coming to blows in the stands, referees getting assaulted or gun play: Mackenzie Brown, a 12-year old girl from Bayonne, New Jersey, pitched a perfect game, the first one ever in Bayonne Little League history – against boys! Her accomplishment has garnered national attention, including the opportunity to throw out the first pitch at the Mets game this coming Saturday.
“It’s been pretty crazy,” she said. “In school I have all these teachers asking for my autograph. I wasn’t used to that.”
Mackenzie, who has been playing baseball with boys since she was 6, mowed down 18 batters, including her toughest out, the second-to-last batter she faced, who fouled off several pitches before she struck him out – one of the twelve she had during the game.
• NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs Rehash: The Columbus Blue Jackets gave it their best effort in Game 4, but still lost and were swept out of the playoffs by the Detroit Red Wings 6-5; Martin Brodeur overcame a cut on his ankle and tied Patrick Roy’s playoff shutout record (23) by leading the New Jersey Devils to a 1-0 victory over the Carolina Hurricanes (New Jersey leads the series 3-2); Philadelphia blanked Pittsburgh 3-0 to stay alive in their series but are still down 3 games to 2 to the Penguins; and a minor earthquake in Orange County during the first intermission that registered 4.0 shook up the San Jose Sharks as they fell to the Anaheim Ducks 4-0, putting the Sharks, the number one seed in the Western Conference, one game away from elimination heading into Game 6. [NHL.com Scoreboard]
• NBA Playoffs Recap: The Boston Celtics dominate and blow out the Chicago Bulls 107-86 to take a 2-1 series lead; the Dallas Mavericks led by 16 at the half and never looked back in their 88-67 smothering of the San Antonio Spurs who had a measly 30 points after two quarters; and the Utah Jazz avoided falling three games down to the Los Angeles Lakers with a hard-fought 88-86 win. [NBA.com Scoreboard]
• MLB: Dave Bush of the Milwaukee Brewers took a no-hitter into the 8th inning but pinch hitter Matt Stairs broke it up with a home run in the Brewers’ 6-1 win over the Philadelphia Phillies; Albert Puljos homered twice as the Cardinals completed the sweep of the New York Mets with a 12-8 victory. [MLB.com Scoreboard]
• Teacher Bores The Shit Out Of Students, Literally. A 5-year old kindergartner in Washington was sent home with feces wrapped in a paper towel in his backpack, along with a note that read, “This little turd was on the floor in my room.” The father of the child suspects the teacher placed the poopy package in his son’s backpack – this story has kind of a Stand and Deliver-esque quality to it, except on this occasion, squatting was involved. [AOL News]
A man fell 18 feet from an upper-section at Busch Stadium in St. Louis at Tuesday night’s game between the Mets and the Cardinals. Good thing there was a woman there to break his fall in the section below.
The woman remains hospitalized due to her injuries. The real kicker? The man was treated at the hospital and released.
Talk about your rotten luck. Can you believe the guy had to miss the rest of the game and never got to finish his beer and nachos?
Oh, the lady? Yeah, that kind of sucks for her, too.
Man falls at stadium, lands on woman [The Chicago Tribune]
• NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs. Philadelphia Flyers at Pittsburgh Penguins (7:00 EST) – Game 5. The Pens can close out the Flyers in front of the home crowd. After that, you can watch the rubber match in what must be a tape-delayed broadcast (9:30 EST) of Game 5 of the Carolina Hurricanes and the New Jersey Devils series, since the game actually starts at 7:30 EST. Versus, you cads! [Versus]
• NBA Playoffs: Boston Celtics at Chicago Bulls, Game 3, series tied 1-1 (8:00 EST); Los Angeles Lakers at Utah Jazz, Game 3, Lakers up 2-0 (10:30 EST). Seriously, how do you East Coasters get enough sleep? [TNT]
• The Television-Viewing Equivalent of Getting A Root Canal: Homecoming with Rick Reilly: John Elway. One has horse teeth and the other has no horse sense (Try the veal, but I should tell you, it’s made out of horse – *tap tap tap* Is this thing on?) [ESPN, 7:00 EST]
• MLS Soccer: Red Bull New York at Kansas City Wizards. It’s going to be tough on the Wizards to play without Tony Gonzalez. [ESPN2, 8:00 EST]
• Thursday Night Comedy: All-new shows on the Peacock tonight. I’ll skip My Name is Earl, but will tune in and watch Parks and Recreation, The Office and 30 Rock. I like Jason Lee and all, but if it isn’t a Kevin Smith movie, I ain’t interested. [NBC, 8:00 EST]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (April 23rd)
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• The NHL is considering putting another franchise in Toronto, possibly the Phoenix Coyotes. I have no problems with this whatsoever. [Puck Daddy]
• Jay Paterno, son of Joe Paterno, tweets, or twits or twats or whatever the kids are calling it these days. [The Sporting Blog]
• Philadelphia Eagles wide reciever Hank Baskett uses fiance Kendra Wilkinson’s stripper pole to work out – and when he is finished with that he uses her Lady Bic to shave his pussy. [Total Pro Sports]
• Mel Kiper, ripe for parody, or just ripe? I heard the guy friggin’ reeks something fierce. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• There’s a fishing game coming out for Xbox360? Cancel my appointments, Grace (psst…she’s my imaginary secretary – works for cheap). [FirstCuts]
Great Googly Moogly. 10-time Pro Bowler Tony Gonzalez has been traded to the Atlanta Falcons for a 2010 second-round draft pick.
An interesting trade indeed, but what I find most entertaining is how quickly some members of a local fan base will quickly turn on a once-revered player mere minutes after he is traded. To be fair, most of the comments are positive and wish Tony nothing but the best, but others are most likely from people that are typing with one hand and burning their Gonzalez jerseys and posters with the other. Here’s a look-see at some of those:
• Brandi Chastain’s legendary sports bra has been seized! Those rat bastards. [With Leather]
• That Kevin Smith was back on NHL.com again! But not anymore – his blog was too controversial. [Puck Daddy]
• Have I ever told you guys that Gourmet Spud is one of my internet heroes? Find out why with “The Punchable Faces of Vin Diesel.” [Food Court Lunch]
• ESPN actually responds to a blogger’s inquiries. Worlds collide, Jerry! [SPORTSbyBROOKS]
• The fellas at Walkoff Walk wonder when their love affair will end with the MLB Network. The answer is simple – NEVER. The MLB Network is NOT GONNA BE IGNORED, DAN! [Walkoff Walk]
Something called MLB Advanced Media recently announced that it is developing an ” online baseball newspaper featuring columnists, including NBC/MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann.”
Keith Olbermann? Cool! Well, that’s certainly good news. You don’t see that guy around enough anymore.
Now, hold on a second. Online? Columnists? Additional unnecessary question? I don’t know, but that sounds an awful lot like a blog to me.
I imagine Major League Baseball’s defense as to why this new venture is not a blog would sound like this:
“Okay, it’s not a, what do you call it – b-log? Never heard of it. What we are doing here is creating a “site” on the “web” that “logs” what people write on particular topics. Obviously, you can see the difference now. Also, the people writing for our ‘online newspaper’ will do so from desks in fancy office buildings and are actually intelligent, well-respected members of the media – not some pimply-faced troglodyte pecking away at a keyboard in their mother’s basement in between masturbatory sessions and inhaling Hot Pockets.”
Dammit. You got us on that one. Well played, Major League Baseball.
ESPN, NFL Network take different approaches to draft coverage: Online tabloid [Sports Television]
MLB Planning Online Newspaper [MLB Fahouse]
Garrett W. Ellwood/NBAE via Getty Images
We had a name for people that would do shit like this to their hair when I was younger – what was it – oh yeah – retards.
Nice look on Andersen’s face too in the photo. It’s as if he’s saying, “Old man, you can’t change me – I was born to live and now I’m livin’ to die. Check out my tats, brah – they’re killer! I know you’re jealous, dude. Sign sign everywhere a sign! I’m never going to be like you, dad!
Even Andersen himself can’t bear to look at the atrocity:
