Archive for April, 2009
Nightmare fuel alert. On Wednesday morning during the “Mike & Mike In The Morning” broadcast on ESPN Radio, Mike Golic will be waxed on-air because he ” lost the ‘Bracket Wager’ challenge to co-host Mike Greenberg and now must pay the price.”
Brilliant. Now it won’t only be the listeners that will be shrieking in pain during Mike & Mike’s radio program. I suppose that’s fair.
“I really have no idea what to expect with the waxing, this is really more of Greeny’s world than mine,” Golic says. “I expect this to be the only waxing of my life, yet I do expect to scream.”
DO NOT WANT.
I wonder what Greenberg would have had to do if he had lost the bet. My guess it would have involved doing something really manly and unappealing to Greenberg, like having sex with his wife instead of the usual “watch some guy he met through Craigslist” do the deed.
Mike Golic To Get Waxed On Air [Awful Announcing]
Two superstars that transcend their respective sports will be teamed-up at the Quail Hollow pro-am as Peyton Manning and Tiger Woods will tee-off in the same group at 7:30 a.m. ET on Wednesday morning.
Manning, who probably would have preferred having Kenny Chesney as his partner as he washed his balls at the first tee box, has previously played this pro-am with Sergio Garcia but has played with Tiger before at the Arnold Palmer Invitational three years ago.
While the star power of the Manning/Woods pairing is certainly intriguing, what I want to know is which pro will have to suffer through 18 holes with Chris Berman, who is also scheduled to play in the pro-am. Obviously, the PGA player best-suited to play with the Berminator would be, of course, John Daly, but unfortunately the Round Mound of Unsound is not among the professional golfers slated to participate.
Some possible playing partners for Berman, along with some cheesy Bermanisms I came up with myself (that I’m confident he would use if given the chance):
• NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs Roundup. The Blackhawks beat the Flames 4-1 as Chicago eliminated Calgary in Game 6 of their first round series; Anaheim ended San Jose’s season, beating the Sharks 4-1 – this is the third time since 2000 that the President’s Trophy winner (team with best record in the regular season) was eliminated in the first round. [NHL.com Scoreboard]
• NBA Playoffs Recap. The Denver Nuggets kicked ten different kinds of dog crap out of the New Orleans Hornets in a completely dominant 121-63 thrashing to take a 3-1 lead in the series; the Lakers defeated the Jazz 107-96 to take that first round series; and Atlanta beat Miami 81-71 to even up their series 2 games to 2. [NBA.com Scoreboard]
• MLB. Ryan Howard and Raul Ibanez each hit grand slams in Philadelphia’s 13-11 barnburner victory over the Washington Nationals; Boston won their 11th game in a row by beating Cleveland 3-1 and Brian Bannister gave up one hit over seven innings as the Royals defeated the Blue Jays 7-1. [MLB.com Scoreboard]
• This is what Pinhead from Hellraiser would look like if he tried doing a headstand. A 27-year old man from Austrailia is dead after getting shot in the head with a nail gun at close range over 30 times. With that sort of dedication, look for the alleged killer to have his own show on HGTV this fall. [Yahoo! News]
There is sad news today in internetland, kids. Rick Chandler will be leaving Deadspin as of today.
Rick has been the writing backbone of Deadspin as far back as I can remember. His work has always been first-class in quality and he could be completely hilarious at one moment and incredibly profound the next. But no matter what, you could always tell that he cared – about the topics he was writing about as well as for the people who read his work.
And more than that, Rick was accessible – there have been many occasions going back to when I wrote for Melt Your Face Off that I would submit posts and even if he didn’t link to them, he would often send a reply – just knowing that he took the time meant a whole lot.
And for those of you who are not familiar with Rick’s work, take a little time and read some of it – you won’t be disappointed.
And with that, I wish Mr. Chandler the best of luck in any and all of his future endeavors. Deadspin certainly won’t be the same without him.
So Long, And Thanks For All The Leather [Deadspin]
• NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs. San Jose Sharks at Anaheim Ducks, Game 6 – can the Sharks force a Game 7? [Versus, 10:30 EST]
• MLB Baseball. St. Louis Cardinals at Atlanta Braves. I don’t see how this game has anything to do with the NFL Draft. [ESPN, 7:00 EST]
•NBA Playoffs. Another night of basketball, another doubleheader. Atlanta Hawks at Miami Heat, Game 4 (8:00 EST) followed-up by Utah Jazz at Los Angeles Lakers, Game 5 (10:30 EST) [TNT]
• If There’s One Thing The World Needs Right Now, It’s More Golden Girls Marathons. Enjoy the geriatric hijinks of Dorothy, Rose, Blanche and Sofiia with fourteen consecutive episodes. Only this time try keeping your pants on – the people at the old folks home would really appreciate it. [WE, 5:00 EST (already in progress)]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (April 27th)
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• Peter King has a Twitter account? Fuck me running. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Anna Kournikova works out. Good enough for me. [Epic Carnival]
• ABC has a little fun with the Billups/Iverson trade at Iverson’s expense. We’re talkin’ about graphics. [Ball Don't Lie]
• Tim McCarver sucks donkey balls. He’s also not a very good broadcaster. [Bugs & Cranks]
• Former NBA player Jayson Williams is as crazy as a shithouse rat. [Deadspin]
Originally reported by The Nashville City Paper and further covered by ProFootballTalk, Alex Mortensen, son of breaking news-challenged ESPN NFL talking head Chris Mortensen, signed a free agent deal with the Tennessee Titans today.
Mortensen, a backup quarterback at Arkansas after transferring from Samford, went undrafted this weekend, although he was mentioned during ESPN’s draft coverage in an interesting exchange between the elder Mort and Mel Kiper – when Mortensen inquired about his son’s chances of catching on with a team, Kiper drolly replied Alex should consider getting into coaching.
Oh snap!
Source: Titans to sign son of ESPN’s Mortensen as QB [The Nashville City Paper]
Titans To Sign Mort’s Kid [ProFootballTalk]
Chris Mortensen Gets Another “Breaking News” Story Wrong [Awful Announcing]
Chris Mortensen’s kid was signed by the Titans as an undrafted free agent. Let the jokes begin! [Fan IQ]
Above is a photo of a soccer game being played in a nearly-empty stadium. The reason for the lack of fans in attendance is:
a) “Inter was ordered to play its next four European cup games in an empty stadium as punishment for the mayhem in the stands that forced the Champions League quarterfinal against Italian rival AC Milan to be abandoned.”
b) “Thousands of Mexican soccer fans had to forgo a beloved tradition Sunday, forced by a swine flu epidemic to cheer from their living room couches instead of the sun-soaked seats at packed stadiums.”
c) Americans as a whole are just not very interested in the MLS as illustrated by the trouble the New York Red Bulls had attracting fans to their game against DC United on Sunday.
You make the call.
* not really presented by Alcoa (most of you are probably too young to understand this reference anyway)
Italian team must play in empty stadium [NBC Sports]
Swine flu leaves Mexican stadiums empty [Sports Illustrated]
DC United 3, New York 2 [Yahoo! Sports]
William “The Refrigerator” Perry, hospitalized for the last two weeks due to complications with Guillain-Barre Syndrome, a “chronic inflammation disorder of the peripheral nerves” has been upgraded from serious to fair condition.
Sportress of Blogitude wishes Mr. Perry the very best and hopes he makes a full recovery. In no time, I ‘m sure he’ll be back fighting Cobra forces alongside his G.I. Joe comrades.
‘Refridgerator’ Perry upgraded to fair condition in S.C. hospital [USA Today]
• University of Minnesota students riot and tear shit up during annual Spring Jam. [Busted Coverage]
• Second round draft pick Pat White will get the chance to be the next Dan Marino for the Miami Dolphins – what are his thoughts on Isotoners? [Shutdown Corner]
• The NFL Draft has officially jumped the shark, rumored to be putting the moves on Pinky Tuscadero. [Awful Announcing]
• Jay Glazer says MMA is in his blood, but does not say anything about chunks of Chris Mortensen being in his stool. [Fanhouse]
AP Photo/Ron Sanders
Seven specatators were injured on Sunday after debris from Carl Edwards’ car flew into the grandstands after it went airborne and crashed into the safety fence during the final lap Sunday at the Talladega Superspeedway.
Officials said seven fans sustained non-life-threatening injuries, and an eighth fan seated in the same section of the grandstand had an undisclosed medical issue.
Dr. Bobby Lewis, Talladega’s onsite physician, said two people in the crowd were airlifted from the track to avoid the heavy traffic. One woman had a possible broken jaw.
This is why you’ll never find me at a NASCAR event – well, that and the lack of any inbreeding in my family tree.
7 NASCAR fans hurt as car flies into fence [NBC Sports]
Barbaro, the horse that achieved messiah-like status among multiple-cat owning, psychiatric medication-eschewing women all over the world after coming up lame at the Preakness three years ago, was memorialized over the weekend as a 1,500 pound bronze statue memorializing Barbaro was unveiled at Churchill Downs.
The sculpture, created by Alexa King, shows Barbaro flying down the track with all four feet off the ground as he carries Prado to glory. The statue, which has Barbaro’s ashes in the base, is placed outside a gate at the venerable track so the public can visit him at any time.
In pursuit of the Triple Crown, Barbaro pulled up before the finishing the Preakness with an injury that led to laminitis, a condition which required multiple surgeries but ultimately ended with the race horse being euthanized.
To say that people became consumed with the failing health (and death) of Barbaro would be an understatement – message boards were swarmed by people sending personal messages and well-wishes to the horse, but perhaps no other person personified the crazy quotient of the Cult of Barbaro than Dee Mirich, a woman whose free-flowing poems about love, rainbows, halos and angels illustrated why some people shouldn’t be allowed internet access.
• NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs Recap. The Capitals force Game 7 and the Rangers are on their way to blowing a 3-1 series lead. Ovechkin scored a power play goal as Washington beat New York 5-3; and Cam Ward made 28 saves as Carolina blanked New Jersey 4-0, making way for another series that will be decided by a Game 7. [NHL.com Scoreboard]
• NBA Playoffs Rundown: The Chicago Bulls win a double-overtime thriller over the Boston Celtics by the score of 121-118 to even-up the series at 2 games apiece; the Cleveland Cavaliers finish off the sweep by demolishing the Detroit Pistons 99-78; the Magic got their series back to even (2-2) with a 84-81 victory over the 76ers; and the Houston Rockets are one game away from finishing off the Portland Trailblazers after their 89-88 win. [NBA.com Scoreboard]
• MLB: Jacob Ellsbury stole home off Andy Pettitte in Boston’s 4-1 victory as the Red Sox completed the three-game sweep of the Yankees at Fenway. [MLB.com]
• A Story About A One-Eyed Gator That Has Absolutely Nothing To Do With Tim Tebow’s Manhood: A one-eyed, three-legged alligator was discovered on a beach in Florida by a family from Chicago. [Northwest Florida Daily News]
Sure, he says he’s “ashamed and humiliated”, but in layman’s terms (layman being a person who doesn’t have an agent, a top-notch defense attorney and a first-class spin team), he was really saying, “It really sucks that I got busted for having crack, marijuana and cocaine in my car. If I wouldn’t have, I’d still be using and not giving a flickity-flying fuck what anyone thought about it.”
In a prepared statement released by Premiere Sports & Entertainment (see what I mean?), Smith “said”:
“I realize that I cannot be the husband, father, son and citizen I want to be until I overcome my addiction. It is my highest priority, and will be the toughest challenge of my life, but I am going to get the help that I need to achieve a complete recovery.”
The statement goes on to say:
“I am ashamed and humiliated by my actions and I apologize for the embarrassment I have caused my family, friends and everyone in the Jacksonville community who have supported me throughout my career.”
• NBA Playoffs On tWWL. ESPN is coming at you with both guns blazing, baby! On the flagship, you have a doubleheader, kicking off with Cleveland Cavaliers at Detroit Pistons (7:00 EST) and finishes off with Portland Trailblazers at Houston Rockets (9:30 EST); on the Deuce, you have Orlando Magic at Philadelphia 76ers (8:00 EST) [ESPN, ESPN2]
• NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs. New York Rangers at Washington Capitals – Game 5 – the Rangers can put the Caps away tonight. [Versus, 7:00 EST]
• College Baseball. Purdue Boilermakers at Minnesota Golden Gophers. There is no sound in the world that says “tradition” like the ping of an aluminum bat. [Big Ten Network, 7:30 EST]
• Basic Cable Movie Of The Night. Coming to America, starring Eddie Murphy. I’ll watch this movie almost every time it’s on for two reasons:
- Mr. Randy Watson and Sexual Chocolate
- Louie Anderson’s speech about washing lettuce
Or I’ll at least switch over when those scenes are on – they get me every time. [Bravo, 9:00 EST]
