Archive for April, 2009
Disappointing news today out of Denver. Joe Sakic, the Avalanche’s 39 year-old all-time leader in games played (855), goals (369), assists (614) and points (1,003), had decided to hang up the skates for the season, effectively ruining any chance of Colorado making the playoffs. I’m sure the players in the locker room are taking this pretty tough, considering how close they were to a playoff berth.
What’s that? The Avalanche are twenty points behind the 8th place St. Louis Blues? Hmm. According to my calculations, with only two games left to play, it would be impossible for Colorado to catch the Blues. So why is this such a big deal?
Oh, that’s right. Sakic, a 20 year veteran who has played his entire career with the Avs (including the Quebec Nordiques before they moved to Colorado) has been bitten by the injury bug quite a bit recently, especially in each of the past two seasons. With the future of his career in doubt, this could have been Sakic’s last opportunity to hop on the ice for one last hurrah.
This season has been particularly tough for the grizzled veteran. In November, Sakic suffered a herniated disk and while at home recovering from the injury, he broke three fingers in an odd snowblower accident, although I have never heard of a snowblower-related injury that didn’t have some level of strangeness to it.
Best of luck making a comeback next year, Joe. Just stay away from the power tools.
In the battle of snowblower vs. Joe Sakic, snowblower wins [Puck Daddy]
Avs captain Joe Sakic won’t return this season [The Sporting News]
San Francisco Giants pitcher Joe Martinez is counting his blessings (and stars…and how many fingers the doctor is holding up) after taking a rocket line-drive straight to the melon off the bat of Mike Cameron of the Milwaukee Brewers. The ball struck Martinez in the right temple and the force of the impact was so strong that he had blood coming out of his nose.
Let’s take a quick peek at what’s up and what’s going down…
• A record-setting five birdies in the first five holes propelled Chad Campbell to the lead after the 1st round, finishing at 7 under. Tiger Woods is 2 under, so he has everyone right where he wants them – just like me on Bingo Night [The Official Site of the Masters]
• The New York Yankees finally win a game, pounding the Orioles 11-2. So much for them going 0-162. I guess it’s time for me to move on to another unrealistic dream, like White Castles not causing severe heartburn. [Yahoo! Sports]
• The Chicago Bulls reduced their magic number down to one, beating the Philadelphia 76ers 113-99. Chicago is trying to get in the playoffs for the fourth time in five years and they are doing it for Jay Cutler and diabetics everywhere – so selfless, those Bulls [NBA.com]
• The New York Rangers and the Montreal Canadiens secured the 7th and 8th playoff spots in the Eastern Conference. The Western Conference, on the other hand, is still a clusterfuck, with four teams vying for two playoff spots. [NHL.com Scoreboard]
Now for the goofy nug of the day…
• Two Australian Rules Football players are in deep doo doo after a video surfaced of them simulating a sex act on a chicken carcass with a rubber chicken, or as I used to call it, the closing shift at KFC. [Yahoo!]
• PGA: Coverage of the first round of the Masters from Augusta. [ESPN, 4:00 EST (already in progress)] – Please tell me they didn’t allow Berman in this year.
• NCAA Hockey Frozen Four: Vermont vs. Boston University [ESPN2, 8:30 EST] – One of these teams receives the honor of getting their asses whipped by Bemidji State (Note: Bemidji State and Miami (OH) are tied 0-0 in the first period at the time of writing)
• NBA: Philadelphia 76ers at Chicago Bulls (TNT, 8:00 EST) – I got nothing.
• Like Crack On Your Television Screen: Snapped marathon (Oxygen, 6:00-midnight EST) – I’m not even messing around – this show is awesomely addictive. Each episode chronicles the story of a woman who lost it and murdered her husband/boyfriend. Also, helps guys get a good read on the warning signs of impending danger.
• Movie of the Night: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly [Turner Classic Movies, 8:00 EST) – Sergio Leone’s triumphant finale in his masterpiece “Man With No Name” trilogy – no jokes necessary – just a bad ass frickin’ movie
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (April 9th)
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• Terrell Owens is a victim. When are you mouth breathers going to figure this out?? (does 1,000 situps, takes a bunch of pills) [The Huddle]
• High school baseball team gets confused by coach’s pep talk, kills snake. Harsh. The worst thing I’ve even done to my pet snake is feed it beer. It was slithering this way and that! It was all fucked up! [Can't Stop The Bleeding]
• Did Coach K get strip-searched at the Canadian border? Hopefully, a body cavity search was ordered. [Bleacher Report]
• Stewart Cink and Chalie Weis are Tweeting? Stop the insanity! To be honest, Cink’s tweets are okay but Weis’ tweets are simply a play by play of his bowel movements (i.e. poop’s consistency – spamlike) I’m sorry, but that’s just wrong. [Rumors & Rants]
I know what you’re wondering…who in the hell is Leonard Armato? Well, for those of you not in the know, he’s the Commissioner of the AVP – Association of Volleyball Professionals to the layperson. Actually, make that the former Commissioner of the AVP. Armato formally resigned his position and hotshot Jason Hodell, who previously held the position of Chief Operating Officer of the AVP, will be taking over as head of the pro beach volleyball tour.
Big news, wouldn’t you agree? Now, why am I posting this story? Most people could give a shit who does what, when they do it, or why they do it in the corporate offices of the AVP. I wouldn’t be writing and publishing this just so I could post photos of scantily-clad female beach volleyball players, would I?
I guess you’ll have to make the jump to find out, now won’t you?
It’s a sad day in primate prognosticating. Maggie the Monkey, known in The Great White North for her role making picks using “her ‘highly scientific’ method of predicting NHL playoff winners by spinning a wheel” on NHL on TSN, has had enough of the rat race and will officially retire after making her predictions for the 2009 Stanley Cup Playoffs.
Maggie will make her final picks during NHL on TSN Playoff Preview Special on Tuesday, April 14th at 9:00 p.m. She will then retire to a nice, fully-furnished condo in Del Boca Vista, Phase III.
Oops. Make that “Got Milk?” ad. The “F” and “K” keys are so close to each other, aren’t they? Well, at least on my keyboard they are. They make perfect bookends to the “U” and “C” keys.
The ad makes its debut today, and it reads (as if anyone is going to bother to look at unsexy words):
Dairy Torres. I’m a natural in water. But after a workout, my natural choice is milk. It’s a strong starting block for wellness. The protein helps build muscle, plus its nutrients help me refuel. Three glasses of lowfat or fat free milk a day. Lap it up.
Lap it up? I see what they did there. Perverts.
Oh, I see. It’s because she’s a swimmer, right? You know what? I prefer it the other way, so I’m going to stick with that.
Seriously, she would look great if she were a 20 year-old let alone a 41 year-old mother. She must work out to that “Seven Minute Abs” video obsessively or something.
Dara Torres unveils her “Got Milk?” ad [USA Today Game On!]
Swimmer Dara Torres Sports a White Upper Lip to Praise Milk as Her Post-Exercise Fitness Drink [PR Newswire]
• The estimable MJD reports that Larry Fitzgerald and Troy Polamalu are rumored to be the honored cursed NFL players that will grace the upcoming Madden cover. Two people on the cover? Well that’s just kooky talk. [Shutdown Corner]
• Former soccer player Teddy Sheringham wants men to check their balls. No word on whether he wants you to juggle them as he watches. [Total Pro Sports]
• Talk about creative! Capitals Kremlin take an irreverent look at NHL mascots. Hmm, where have I seen that before? [Capitals Kremlin via NHL Fanhouse]
• The Trojan marching band on House pulling an April Fool’s joke? That makes them the Ashton Kutchers of, um, college marching bands. Pretty sure that’s not a compliment. [The Fabulous Forum]
Arnold Palmer, as honorary starter for the 2009 Masters, got the greatest weekend in PGA Tour golf off to a fitting beginning by driving the ball down the right side of the fairway. He then went into the clubhouse to enjoy a refreshing beverage that was one-half iced tea and one-half lemonade. You know, someone should come up with a name for that drink. Ah, who has the time in this crazy world anymore?
No word on whether some stupid jackass yelled “GET IN THE HOLE!!!! ARRRGH!!” after The King teed off. If someone did, they should be executed right there on the spot, or at the very least get sodomized with the clubhead of Tiger’s driver by Steve Williams. You just know Steve would relish the experience.
Masters begins with a ceremonial tee shot [The Sporting News]
If he can steal himself away from the New York City club scene, Michael Phelps is expected to stop by for a visit with the folks from the Maryland state government today in Annapolis.
Aides to the House of Delegates told the Associated Press that Phelps will visit lawmakers in the House of Delegates and the Senate chambers around 10 a.m., where he will be honored for his accomplishments.
No word yet on whether he has shown up. I hope someone gave him good directions, because the streets of Annapolis are just crazy, man. Have you ever just stood there and looked at the tall buildings? They’re like, curved, dude.
Wait, do they have tall buildings in Annapolis? I guess I’ll never know.
Phelps to be honored by state legislature today [Baltimore Sun]
Michael Phelps Is Enjoying His Swimming Exile [Deadspin]
Man, there’s nothing more embarrassing than watching a drunk guy dancing like an idiot- to Billy Idol’s “Dancing With Myself”, no less.
After watching that debacle, I wish I had A Face Without Eyes. It made me want to Rebel Yell, if you catch my drift. Seriously, I bet when his girlfriend/wife finally got him home she cried more, more, more.
If I could give this awkward-dancing drunk Red Sox fan one piece of advice, it would be this: today would be a nice day to…
START AGAIN!!
Okay, I’m done now.
Introducing your first Fenway Park dancing idiot of 2009 [Red Sox Monster]
I wish someone would have told me they were making an I Am Sam remake – I would have been perfect for the part. Most people don’t know this, but I have been secretly perfecting my Christopher Burke imitation for years. It’s kind of a hobby.
Even though I’m incredibly disappointed, I wish Marko the best in his new career. Lord knows he needed a new one to fall back on.
Caption This [Sports Crackle Pop]
A bunch of weird, wild, wacky stuff happened last night, wouldn’t you agree?
“YOU ARE CORRECT SIR!”
Okay, who in the hell was that lunatic? Get him out of here!
• The Florida Marlins are 3-0 after beating the woeful Nationals 6-4 yesterday, completing the series sweep. I’m not trying to rain on their parade, but isn’t sweeping the Nationals the Major League Baseball equivalent of beating someone with Parkinson’s Disease in Jenga three consecutive times? (I checked with Michael J. Fox, he was cool with the joke – as long as I sing “At This Moment” by Billy Vera & The Beaters the next time we karaoke) [Yahoo! Sports]
• The Columbus Blue Jackets are in the playoffs! The Columbus Blue Jackets are in the playoffs! Prepare for The Rapture, everyone, because there’s no turning back now. [NHL.com]
• The Cavaliers drilled the lowly Washington Wizards 98-86 to improve to 38-1 at home. LeBron James scored 21 points but spent a majority of the 4th quarter on the bench. Man, that’s the second time in this brief little post that I had the chance to hammer on a Washington teams. Nah, I’ll pass this one up – this time. [SI.com]
• MLB Bonus Recaps: The Phillies score nine runs in the 7th and 8th innings to beat the Braves 12-11 and avoid the three-game sweep, the A’s are held scoreless until scoring 3 runs in both the 8th and 9th innings to complete the rally for a 6-4 win over the Angels and the Yankees are 0-2 (panic on the streets of New York, panic on the streets of Yankeeland). Stop the insanity! [MLB.com Scoreboard]
• Life Imitating Bart. Christopher Kind and Richard Tallent have been charged with multiple misdemeanors regarding their plan to steal grease from area restaurants. A scheme like that requires some Kind of Tallent to dream up, amirite? Get it? You do? Still not funny? Sigh. Fine. [Detroit Free Press]
• NBA: Portland Trailblazers at San Antonio Spurs (ESPN, 7:00 EST) – No Manu, No Problem (being incredibly boring)!
• MLB: Tampa Bay Rays at Boston Red Sox (ESPN2, 7:00 EST) – I heard tonight they are going to try to one-up Ted Kennedy and have Strom Thurmond’s corpse throw out the first pitch – it’s all about pulleys and levers, people.
• PGA Golf: Live From The Masters Preview (Golf Channel, 6:00 p.m. EST) This already aired at 4:00 p.m. so I don’t know how “live” it will be. I’m sure it will be outrageously entertaining – Kelly Tilghman still works for the network, right? She better be, because she is the lynchpin that holds it all together
• Movie of the Night: Cheech and Chong’s Up In Smoke (Cinemax, 8:30 p.m. EST). Shocking I would pick that one, wouldn’t you say?
• Reality Show of the Night: American Idol (Fox, 9:00 p.m. EST) Yawn. Is anybody watching this besides Tony Kornheiser?
• What I Want To Watch (Not Including Sports): Good Eats (Food Network, 8:00 and 8:30 p.m. EST) Fuckin’ Alton Brown, man.
• What I’ll Be Flipping To During Commerical Breaks: 100 Greatest One-Hit Wonders of the ’80′s (VH1, 5:00-10:00 p.m. EST) These countdown shows are like crack – and probably just as good for your brain as smokin’ rock.
