Archive for April, 2009
Ichiro Suzuki has announced that he plans to be back in right field for the Mariners on Wednesday against the Los Angeles Angels of Ahaheim, California, United States, North America, Earth, Milky Way Galaxy. Ichiro is feeling so good right now it’s “annoying” him.
I wish we had a better quote from Ichiro on the topic, like this one from 2007:
“The ball became the same color as the sky,” he said, through interpreter Ken Barron. “So, I wasn’t able to see it … I was sending mental signals for the ball not to come my way, because during that time of day it’s impossible for me to see the ball so I lacked mental signals. I lacked in that area.’
“Usually, I don’t send mental signals,” Ichiro replied. “So, because this is the first time, I thought, please don’t come my way.”
That is one far out statement, man. I envy Ichiro and his ability to send mental signals. Whenever I try to send mental signals to something, I get a busy tone – you would think the Doritos in my cupboard would have call waiting or something since Frito-Lay is a pretty big company. Apparently they do not place a high priority on such things so I have to get up and get the Doritos myself. Sometimes life is so unfair.
Ichiro announces he’ll be back in M’s lineup Wednesday [The Seattle Times]
Ichiro Can Move Fly Balls With His Mind [Deadspin]
Every guy knows there is nothing worse than having to take a leak when you attend a sporting event. First, if you’re not in an aisle seat, you have to irritate your fellow rowmates by forcing them to stand up, unless you suffer the misfortune of having one of those “gatekeeper” dickheads at the end of your row. These jerk-offs act as if you have subjected them to the ultimate indignity simply by expecting them to get up off their fat asses when they weren’t intending to. Hey, douchebag, you paid the same amount for your ticket as I did – go fuck yourself. Everyone else in the row gets up happily because they know they are going to have to ask someone else to stand up too. But not the Lord of Aisle.
So once you get past the eyerolling and deep exhales of Seat One Fuckface Guy, you race up or down the steps only to discover that it seems every other man in the stadium had the same bright idea as you. It never fails that there are at least 20 guys in front you waiting to piss. You’ll never make it back before the next inning and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Well guys, all this time we thought we were getting the shaft we failed to realize that our suffering is nothing compared to that experienced by the fairer sex over the years. The lines men face pale in comparison to the Trail of Beers women are forced to endure. That’s where New York’s Potty Parity law comes into play, righting the wrongs of society.
Forty-seven year old Kenneth Samuels of Woodland, California has been arrested for allegedly making death threats on Red Sox player Dustin Pedroia and members of his family.
The Woodland Democrat reported that 47-year-old Kenneth Samuels allegedly made multiple phone calls to the Pedroia family business and threatened to shoot and kill the men of the Pedroia family. Those calls were traced and Samuels was subsequently arrested. The reason why Samuels allegedly threatened the Pedroias was not stated by the Woodland police.
Pedroia caused quite a stir in the picturesque hamlet recently when he referred to his hometown as a “dump” in an interview with Boston magazine.
No word from authorities on whether the death threats will also bring about charges of a hate crime, as Pedroia is, you know, a little person. Is that what we’re supposed to call midgets now? Oops, I just called Dustin Pedroia a midget, but what’s he going to do about it? Report me to the Lollipop Guild? Everyone knows they don’t carry much weight around anymore. Literally and figuratively.
Reports: Man arrested after threatening Pedroia family [Extra Bases]
Man arrested on charges of threatening Pedroia family [The Sporting News]
Man threatens Pedroia family [Daily Democrat]
• Brazilian soccer coach losing it, knocking over an opposing player and punching a ref. Ah, the beautiful game truly does inspire the best in all of us. [Off The Post]
• Some guy eats a seven and a half pound burger in seven minutes and fifteen seconds at the Kooky Canuck restaurant in Memphis. Only in America! [Yardbarker]
• Steve Phillips is forced to apologize to Cubs manager Lou Pinella on a radio show for making an idiotic comment criticizing Pinella’s use of Kosuke Fukudome. If Phillips decides to apologize for every moronic comment he has made, we’re going to be here awhile. No fake press conference featuring Phillips has been scheduled but I am holding out hope Steve Phillips will interview Steve Phillips regarding the incident soon. [Awful Announcing]
• Finally, litigous-happy Indiana man decides to sue the Chicago White Sox for alleged injuries he suffered during a struggle amongst fans after a t-shirt was fired into the crowd out of one of those cannon jibber jobbers. Not surprisingly, White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen will call him a homo. [Pantagraph via FanIQ]
No More Ragu Festivals For This Goat
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A dead goat was found hanging from the statue of Harry Caray outside of Wrigley Field early this morning. The old man must have finally had enough and beat the poor goat one too many times with the hickory stick, that piss drunk cock. The ultimate indignity the goat suffered was he hung from the statue with the very same three feet piece of rope that he was tied to the pickup truck with for the majority of his sad life.
Rest in peace, goat. The old man can’t hurt you anymore.
Dead Goat Found Hanging Outside Wrigley Field [SportsbyBrooks]
Wade, not willing to concede the MVP award to Lebron James, dazzled the hometown crowd and lit up the New York Knicks for 55, including a career-high six three pointers, as the Heat beat the Knicks 122-105 at American Airlines Arena.
The controversy that arose from Wade’s estranged wife’s allegations that he gave her a sexually-transmitted disease seems like a distant memory now that Wade is leading the Heat to a playoff berth. But we’ll always have the memories and the jokes. Herpes jokes may not always seem like they’re around but they last forever.
Miami Heat’s Dwyane Wade makes MVP case against Knicks [Miami Herald]
Dwyane Wade, STD’s, Child Support And You [Deadspin]
* photo courtesy of Victor Baldizon/NBAE via Getty Images
Tempers flared and four Angels were ejected when Josh Beckett through a pitch at Bobby Abreu’s head after Abreu called and given time out by the home plate umpire in the first inning of Anaheim’s 5-4 victory over the Boston Red Sox on Sunday. The fact that no Red Sox players were ejected drew Anaheim manager Mike Scioscia’s ire:
“I don’t think it was handled very well. Both dugouts emptied and yet our side [got] the wrath of the umpires.”
Crew chief Joe West begged to differ, saying “[t]he Angels were the aggressors. That’s why they were ejected.”
• Kenny Perry learned that it’s impossible to play the 17th and 18th holes of Augusta with both hands wrapped around your neck. Angel Cabrera swooped in and won the Championship in the second playoff hole [The Official Site of the Masters Tournament]
• Lebron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers took the Boston Celtics out behind the woodshed for good old fashioned ass-whipping by the score of 107-76. The game was never in doubt as the Cavs charged to a 31-9 lead in the first quarter and never looked back. Cleveland is now one win away from tying Boston and Philadelphia’s mark for the best regular season record ever of 40-1. Enjoy it while you can, Cleveland fans. [Yahoo! Sports]
• Boston University rallied to beat Miami of Ohio 4-3 in overtime on Saturday night to win their fifth National Championship and provided the long-starved Boston fans with a national title. About time. [Associated Press]
• Speaking of Cleveland, the Indians got off the snide by securing their first victory of the season by beating the Toronto Blue Jays 8-4. The Washington Nationals, however, were not so lucky, losing to the Atlanta Braves 8-5 Sunday, dropping their season record to 0-6. Only156 more games to go. [MLB.com Scoreboard]
• And now, for a real stinker of a story. A 35 year-old man was hospitalized last Tuesday in Waco, Texas due to stab wounds he suffered after refusing to stop farting in a hotel room he was sharing with a friend. If two people can’t enjoy each other’s gas in a cramped hotel room in Waco, Texas without resorting to violence, what chance is their for peace in the Middle East? [Yahoo! News]
Good Night, Sweet Prince
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Jacques was a good coach, and a good man. He was one of us. He was a man who loved the rink… and hockey, and as a player he explored the arenas of North America, from Montreal to Toronto and… down to… Detroit. He resigned, like so many young men of his generation, he quit before his time. In your wisdom, Lord, you took him, as you took so many bright flowering young men at Bell Centre, at St. Pete, at Madison Square Garden. These young men gave their careers. And so would Jacques. Jacques, who loved hockey. And so, Jacques Gerard Lemaire, in accordance with what we think your final wishes might well have been, we commit your final coaching remains to the bosom of the Xcel Energy Center, which you loved so well. Good night, sweet prince.
• PGA Tour Golf: Replay of coverage of the second round of the Masters from Augusta. Hey, some people have to work. [ESPN, 8:00 EST]
• NBA Basketball: New York Knicks at Orlando Magic. The Trail of Tears that is the NBA regular season is nearing its conclusion [ESPN2, 8:00 EST]
• NHL: NHL Live. Keep up to date on the quest for the final two playoff spots remaining in the Western Conference [NHL Network (if you're lucky enough to have it), 9:30 p.m.]
• Movie of the Night: 300. Homoerotic overtones be damned! [HBO, 8:00 EST]
• Show You Can Feel More Informed From Watching But Still Enjoyable: Patton 360: Blood & Guts. From Zap2It: “World War II U.S. Army Gen. George S. Patton Jr. and his soldiers embark on the road to Germany by invading North Africa Nov. 8, 1942, in the face of opposition by pro-Nazi French forces.” Yep, sounds good to me. [History, 9:00 EST]
Well, that wraps up the first week of broadcasting for Sportress of Blogitude. Hope you guys enjoyed yourselves. Thanks to everyone that checked the blog out. Be sure to come back now, you hear? Of course, if you have any questions, comments, tips, complaints, death treats, etc., don’t hesitate to contact me.
Peace and hair grease, everybody.
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (April 10th)
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• Real classy, ESPN. ‘Nuff said. [Deadspin]
• Celine Dion is interested in buying the Canadiens? Sacrebleu! [Yahoo! Canada via Fan I.Q.]
• Stop the presses! The Internet Hurts Journalism! [The Big Lead]
• Eli Manning is an awesome actor. Don’t believe me? Check out this Gatorade commercial [Awful Announcing]
• Mike Ribeiro is a talented hockey player [hat tip to Empty Netters]
Gary Bettman, in his infinite wisdom, has benevolently given the go-ahead the city of Boston to begin preparations to host next year’s Winter Classic on New Year’s Day, despite executive vice president Charlie Jacobs insistence via statement that no deal has been reached.
“Contrary to published reports, at this time we have not finalized plans for a Bruins game at Fenway Park on New Year’s Day. It is no secret that I would love to bring the Winter Classic to the city of Boston – and I have been working with the NHL to consider a number of venues in the area. We believe we are close to accomplishing this. Bruins fans deserve to have an outdoor game, and we hope to deliver one to them in the near future.”
Originally, it was believed that the Bruins would host the Montreal Canadiens in Fenway, but it now appears that the Washington Capitals along with Unfrozen Caveman Hockey Player Alexander Ovechkin are set to invade the historic confines of 4 Yawkey Way.
Fenway would definitely sell-out for the event. Many design issues remain, however. Primarily how do they intend to set up Fenway to be hockey friendly? Initial reports seem to indicate that Boston will follow Chicago’s lead and follow the design plans implemented for last year’s Winter Classic at Wrigley Field.
Phil Jackson will not be joining the Lakers for their game tonight against the Trailblazers in Portland due to what the team claims is “pain and swelling in his lower right leg.” Yeah, right.
The Lakers organization must assume we sports fans just got kicked off the turnip truck for eating too many turnips, as the old saying goes. Anyone with any common sense knows what’s really going on here:
Phil Jackson pissed off the wrong people in Portland and is scared to go back. Believe me, the last thing you want is a bunch of granolas on your case. They’ll stay on you until something else distracts them – like a Smurfs cartoon, for instance. Or an extended Mickey Hart drum solo.
Put that in your pipe and smoke it. Or don’t. Really, it’s up to you.
Anyway, controversies and rampant speculation aside, assistant coach Kurt Rambis will step in for Jackson tonight. You guys remember Kurt Rambis, don’t you?
• Ahh, Busted Coverage: you do the Lord’s work you know that, right? Attractive college gals, need I say more? [Busted Coverage]
• John Daly is selling shit outside of Augusta National. Unfortunately, he’s plum out of those awesome velvet Elvis posters. [Devil Ball Golf]
• MS Paint team logos for all NHL teams? Surely you jest…(clicks on link)…nope, you weren’t jesting. [HF Boards via Fan I.Q.]
• Finally, on a far more serious point, Hick Flick wrote an excellent piece about the tragic death of Nick Adenhart. Do yourself a favor and take a moment to read this fine piece of writing. Bravo, sir. Bravo. [Rumors & Rants]
Have you ever found yourself in the incredibly stressful position of needing to learn as much as you possibly can about Minnesota Vikings wide receiver Sidney Rice but didn’t know where to turn? I know, I know, people may say otherwise, but assignments for University of Phoenix online courses can be incredibly challenging.Well, those dark days are over, my friends, now that Sidney Rice has become the latest professional athlete with his own web site.
To be honest, it’s actually a decent-looking site. There are blog posts, a photo gallery and if you have a problem that you know only an average second year wide receiver could answer, there’s a place where you can “Ask Sidney” any question you wish (please, no gays).
All of these features aside, my favorite one is Rice’s Bio page – let’s delve into the complicated man that is Sidney Rice, shall we?
