Nice try, New York Daily News, but we all know the only thing that rattles Tom Brady are super-scary water slides:
I mean, scooters don’t even phase this guy. So, unless there’s an intimidating-to-man-boys-waterpark located on the field come next Sunday, it ain’t gonna happen. Better luck next time, you weaksauce smack-talking New York rag.
[via PFT]
Not only did Boston Celtics head coach lead his team to an improbable victory Thursday night, erasing a 27-point deficit to storm back for a thrilling 91-83 victory over the stunned Orlando Magic. He also took some time to show off is comedic chops and to make clear that he’s not a real doc, he only plays one on NBA benches.
Checking on Jameer Nelson after the Magic guard appeared to tweak his ankle during a drive to the basket, Rivers informs Nelson that he’s not a real doctor, he’s just Doc Rivers and then tell Nelson to tell everybody about the two’s one-sided, witty repartee.
Rivers’ clever little joke made me think: what if a coach was actually named “Coach”? Would players refer to him as Coach Coach? Because that would be funny.
[Grazie, The Basketball Jones]
Ah yes, this seems to be developing into quite the trend as of later: a parent recording their child’s outward expression of misery after they have just suffered through watching one of their favorites teams lose a big game (here is but one example of many).
Well, the latest one I have come across features this adorable little tyke who is absolutely crestfallen that his beloved San Francisco 49ers lost to the New York Giants in the NFC Championship. To this young boy’s credit, he seems to compose himself after a little coddling by his dad and says that despite his heartbreak, he will still watch the Super Bowl. Nice work by dad here to right the weeping ship, as it were.
But really, just watching these videos makes me thankful that there wasn’t YouTube back when I was a wee lad. The worst thing my parents could do back then to traumatize me was show pictures of me as a baby in the bathtub to a girlfriend. Well, that and abandon me at the Grand Canyon, but to be honest, I really had that coming.
[BuzzFeed]
The fact that the Fame Makers (Neil Campbell and Mike Hanford) are teaching Los Angeles Kings players Mike Richards, Anze Kopitar, Matt Greene and Drew Doughty the ins and outs of achieving fame makes a lot of sense, given their monikers. If the duo were called, say, sandwich makers, this video would be entirely different and take on a much different, much more boring tone. Or Dame Makers, even. I mean, these four rough and tumble NHL players dressed up like that Dane Edna character? Now that would be weird. And pretty cool. Hmm…
Moving on, the Fame Makers attempt to show the guys the ropes about become über-famous and how to go from merely being athletes to being celebrities. Step Two involves the Fame Makers helping Drew Doughty come up with a signature move. That doesn’t go so well.
But in the end, it looks like the Fame Makers have the guys well on their way to reaching for the stars and then, becoming one. Good work by everyone.
Step Two, of course, is the need to date a celebrity. And who better to go after than one Kim Kardashian? Anze Kopitar is up to the challenge — at least via cell phone — and despite Kim K. believing that he plays for the Sacramento Kings and not the Los Angeles Kings in the skit, Kim takes him up on the offer, which is probably exactly how it would go in real life. You know, because she’s a hussy and stuff.
Step Three? Excessive Celebrations, obviously. But the boys’ attempts to come up with “wild and whacky” goal celebrations, but after the suggestion that the guys wear a t-shirt under their jerseys with a message written on it, they fail to come up with something witty or clever. “I Love You Mom”, “I Love You Grandma”, “I Love You Justin Bieber”? Sheesh.
Step Four: Launch A Music Career. Mike Richards tries dropping some rhymes. Yep.
Step Five: Bloopers, something that will get the guys on every show in the country. This is some solid stuff. Matt Greene: Prankster!
In the end, it looks like the Fame Makers are well on their way to not only having the guys from the Kings reaching for the stars but becoming stars themselves. Good job all around.
I don’t know exactly what that word means, but I do know it makes me extremely uncomfortable reading it.
Sheesh. Brits with their weird, quasi-offensive words.
Note: the definition of the word in question, according to Dictionary.com.
[via]
Ooh. That’s a shame, although this store would be Kyle Williams favorite place to shop for the coming week, if he only knew its location.
But what an egregious error. Maybe the staff toiling at this unidentified Walmart spent too much time getting pumped up for their shifts during the employee pep rally to take the time to confirm exactly which teams would be facing each other in Super Bowl XLVI. The most unfortunate thing about the entire snafu is that it’s a pretty impressive display and one can only imagine how much hard work and effort went into setting this bad boy up.
All I know is I’d hate to be the employee (or employees) who will be getting paid close to minimum wage with no benefits to rectify this epic fail. Nah, just kidding. No one is going to bother to fix it. The Super Bowl is only a little more than a week away, why take the time? It’s not like anyone will notice at Walmart, what with all the great prices!
(air guitars AC/DC’s “Back in Black”)
The 2012 NHL Fantasy Draft was held on Thursday night in Ottawa and if there’s one video you need to see from the festivities, it’s this one. For those unfamiliar with the wee lad, he goes by Joey The Junior Reporter, he’s a spry six-years-old and he has been adorably plying his trade for the past few years covering the Chicago Blackhawks. And despite his youthful appearance, you should not underestimate him. The kid knows his hockey. And after watching the above video, I have also learned he’s got more game as it relates to macking on the ladies than most adult males.
Watch how he just goes for it while kicking back and chatting with NHL Network’s Heidi Androl, Relaxed and leaning back on the couch, he blows right past the small talk and cuts to the chase by asking Androl if she dates younger men. Awesome. Well done, kid.
Taken aback, Androl says she supposes she’s going to have to make an exception for Joey the Junior Reporter, which really doesn’t indicate one way or the other how she feels about this suave young gentlemen putting the moves on her, although she does add “maybe now” before moving on.
Undeterred, Joey the Junior Reporter goes all in like a big bear with claws and with fangs and big friggin’ teeth and treats her like she’s a bunny cowering in the corner when he smoothly says, “Maybe tonight I can buy you a steak.” Brilliant. No shame in his game.
I only wonder what kind of steak Heidi Androl ordered. Oh, I know: whatever steak Joey the Junior Reporter ordered for her. Because that’s how Joey the Junior Reporter rolls.
[Grazie, Pro Hockey Talk]
The Gronk Song? I’ll take “Thong Song” and stick with that, thank you very much.
Vanilla Ice tried. “Macho Man” Randy Savage tried. Boy, did he ever try (may he rest in peace). The dangerous tandem of Will Smith and MC Hammer nearly pulled it off. And those are just some of the few who have given it the old college try. Tons of performers — both well-known and unknown — have attempted to serve up the lyrics and beats that would serve as the death knell to rap/hip hop music, but perhaps none have come so close as the individual behind “The Gronk Song” (via The Big Lead), a song obviously dedicated to New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski.
A sampling of the rhymes dropped:
Who’s that man Gronkowski?
If the end zone was a home he’d have a house key.
6 foot 6 he’s never been in any danger,
even though 3 years ago he was a teen ager.
Shopping for him must be hard to do
cause he wears a massive size 16 shoe.
He went to college in arizona
calls Bibi Jones when he gets a Gronk boner
Who’s that man? That’s Rob Gronk?
What’s he gonna do? He aint gonna stop
Let us enjoy the show that commences
as he destroy’s opposing defenses.
If he was alive in 1775
no revolution would be needed to survive.
British soldiers with just one glance
would run back home with wet underpants.
You know, I suppose I should give the guy a break. He’s simply a person doing his gosh-darned bet to express his admiration for one of his (presumably) favorite NFL players. That’s the danger of YouTube, I suppose. It turns one man’s secret hobby into fodder for snarky bloggers like me. Perhaps I should just step off. Just step off.
And you know what? It’s not like I could do much better. Boy, now my face just got redder. And if you don’t believe me, you better. My baby she wrote me a letter. She’s a real go-getter. My favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle character is Shredder. Something something Eddie Vedder. Word.
Miami Marlins left fielder Logan Morrison began his evolution into one of my favorite ballplayers here at the Sportess last season (here and here), and if this audition video for the MLB Fan Cave is any indication, the metamorphosis will be complete before spring training winds down.
In the audition video, Morrison (along with Kansas City Royals first baseman Eric Hosmer, because as far as the Man Cave is concerned, these two are a package deal) explains to a framed photograph of Bob Costas hanging on the wall about how planking and Tebowing have become so…played and proceeds to demonstrate to Photo Bob Costas what surely will be the next craze: LoMo-ing. And believe you me, it’s fantastic, creative and precisely the kind of thing that should get Morrision into the Fan Cave. Well, he might have to deal with the entire “playing during the Major League Baseball season” issue, but that’s minor.
Oh, and just so you know, according to his audition video, LoMo likes to party, likes to fist pump and he plays for keeps.
Shine on, you crazy diamond.
[Grazie, The Hall of Very Good]
When it was first announced last fall that the Miami Marlins were planning to build a pseudo-psychedelic, nightmare-fuel generating monstrosity (for a primer, click here) in center field of their new ballpark that would delight the senses and terrify the children every time a home run was hit when Marlins Park opens for the 2012 season, I thought perhaps the organization would change course and opt for something a little less…disturbing.
But no. The new Marlins ballpark has a webcam, which has been chronicling the construction, and in doing so, is documenting the process on the Home Run Celebration Nightmare Fuel Thingy. Thankfully, SB Nation performed the yeoman’s task of taking some screengrabs of the process (including pointing out things like bulldozers, cherry pickers and humans to properly illustrate just how enormous the blasted thing will be upon completion) and as you can see, it’s real and it appears it will be exactly how it was originally idealized:
Be afraid, Marlins fans, be very afraid.
Wes: "I know! Crazy, right?"
Yeah, sorry to all of those expecting a Wes Welker photo gallery. Maybe next time.
Sad news to report for all you gals out there who like gritty football players who play with a lot of grit and stuff: word on the street (via the Boston Herald‘s Inside Track) is that New England Patriots gritty wide receiver Wes Welker has decided to stop living in sin with his special lady friend and has asked for the lovely Miss Hooters International 2005′s hand in marriage.
Inside Track writes that “details are sketchy” at the moment, and here are some of those sketchy details:
Anna, a former Miss Hooters International 2005, had asked for a Cartier love bracelet for Christmas. Apparently Tom Brady’s go-to guy came up with an even better play, ponying up a big fat diamond. Details are sketchy, but we can tell you the couple has recently moved from Boston down to the burbs by Foxboro, where they will settle down.
The speedy receiver and the gorgeous brunette have been together for more than two years. Their first public outing was at the Patriots’ loss to the Baltimore Ravens in the 2010 playoffs. It was a week after Welker’s season-ending knee injury, and the couple watched the action from a suite at Gillette.
Anna was by her boo’s side for his surgery and rehab, and the two have been living together ever since. He makes her breakfast in bed. She made him flannel pajamas with cowboy boots on them for Christmas. He says she thinks his biggest flaw is, “I don’t sleep enough.” (Well, that’s Wes’ story and he’s stickin’ to it …)
Although the couple is pretty low-key, they have been spotted at the Miss Hooters International pageant down in Florida and at the local Whole Foods buying ingredients for eggplant parm.
Ah yes, eggplant parm. The most sensual of all the parms.
Okay, without further ado, here’s that photo gallery I promised.
ShoppingRavens.com, the official team store of the Baltimore Ravens — or more accurately — a wisenheimer who works there and writes copy– decided to have a little fun, twist the knife a bit and enjoy some schadenfreude at the Baltimore Ravens’ expense by inserting a little smart-alecky copy into kicker Billy Cundiff’s jersey listing relating to his missed field goal in the AFC Championship Game.
As you can see above (click to enlarge), it lists some relevant details about delivery as follows:
SHIPPING TIME: Leaves warehouse in 1 – 2- bus. days – arrives in 3 – 5 full bus. days, at the house to the left of yours
ZING! Oh man, Bill Cundiff just got served, dude. The jersey will be delivered to the house to the left, which is exactly the same direction that his errant kick sailed! Hoo boy! Imagine the multitude of people who are currently in the market for his jersey that read that derogatory commentary before it was removed. Ouch.
UPDATE: It appears the original listing wasn’t from the Ravens Official Team Store but this site. (Thanks, Steve)[H/T Jockular (via The Slanch Report)]
I feel like a Kentucky Fried Idiot after watching this new Nike commercial and being blown away by the incredible overload of pop culture references contained therein.
The new spot is for the Nike + Fuelband which is some kind of thingamajobber that tracks physical activity for folks who enjoy engaging in physical activity, but that’s not important right now.
What is important is the barrage of pop culture imagery contained in the ad. Here’s a quick breakdown of some of the pop culture references I caught and how they “count” (others I had no idea and there is some sport content thrown in here and there as well, because, you know, Nike=Sports and Stuff):
- The Warriors
- Raiders of the Lost Ark
- The Wizard of Oz
- Happy Feet
- “The Ministry of Silly Walks” from Monty Python’s Flying Circus
- Amadeus
- MC Hammer’s “U Can’t Touch This”
- Popeye, Bluto and Olive Oyl
- Rocky Balboa chasing a chicken
- “The Evolution of Dance”
- That OK Go treadmill video
- Some kid stacking cups (?)
- Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
- Bruce Lee
- The Dude sitting from The Big Lebowski (doesn’t count)
- Spike Lee’s Mars Blackmon (of course)
- Mr Spock getting beamed up on Star Trek (also does not count)
- Andy Stitzer getting his chest waxed in The 40-Year-Old Virgin (doesn’t count, either)
- Paul Blart riding a Segway (doesn’t count, thank goodness)
- Bugs Bunny taking a dive in a boxing match (doesn’t count) and then faking the boxer out and punching him (cheating counts)
- Beastie Boys’ video for “Sabotage”
- The Office (the British version)
- 300
- The Karate Kid
- Amadeus (again, for some reason)
- Forest Whitaker in Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai
- Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
- Grease
- The Breakfast Club
- Christopher Walken in that Fatboy Slim video
- Slap Shot
- Ellen Page in Whip It
- Scooby-Doo and Shaggy running (Zoinks!)
- Edward Scissorhands
- Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
- Despicable Me
- Amadeus (again — sheesh — what gives?)
Whew. That was exhausting. I wish I had been wearing one of those newfangled Fuelbands, because that’s the most exercise I’m getting today. Meaning none at all.
[Grazie, SportsGrid]
Given the name of the game (Boblefotbal, in Norwegian), it makes perfect sense nothing more than a bunch of players running around on the pitch colliding into each other attempting to play soccer while fitted with bubbles surrounding their upper torsos. And to be honest, that makes a lot more sense than people trying to play soccer using soap bubbles as balls. They’d be floating away and popping all the time, you see.
And here I thought Norwegian Black Metal was weird. Crazy northern Europeans. And in case you’re wondering, Fredrikstad won the match, beating Sarpsborg 08 by a score of 2-1.
One question: how do these guys eat their orange wedges at halftime?
[H/T Dirty Tackle (by way of Off the Bench)]
Diminutive point guard J.J. Barea made his return to Dallas on Wednesday night with his new team, the Minnesota Timberwolves, and the timing of his visit couldn’t have been much better. Coincidence or not, the night Mavericks owner Mark Cuban scheduled the night that the team would receive their championship rings just happened to coincide with Barea being in town, so the player who signed with the Timberwolves in December had the opportunity to receive his ring in front of an adoring crowd, as his contributions to the Mavs’ run through the playoffs last season were instrumental to them ultimately hoisting the Larry O’Brien NBA Championship Trophy.
Referring to the return to his old stomping grounds as “weird” and “exciting,” Barea, who is currently nursing a nagging hamstring injury and did not play on Wednesday night, spoke about how nice it was to be back in Dallas (via the Star Tribune):
“It’s a special night: Get our rings, see my old teammates again, see all the fans. It’s a symbol of everything we did last year. That’s going to stay with me for the rest of my life. It’s hard to get, so I’m happy to have one.”
But if Barea thought some tomfoolery wouldn’t be in play courtesy of his former teammates, he was sadly mistaken. A photo shared by Wolves teammate Anthony Tolliver revealed an extra special present from his Mavericks pals: a high chair and two baby rattles were placed in front of his locker.
It should be pointed out that Barea and his girlfriend, former Miss Universe Zuleyka Rivera, are expecting a baby, but allow me to entertain a more sinister possibility — one which appears to be shared by Anthony Tolliver, who seemed to take glee in the Mavs’ gesture, adding a “Hahahahaha” to the end of his tweet — that this was not a gift to Barea and his girlfriend for their baby, but more a joke about the height of their former teammate, who is generously listed at 6’0″.
Could I be wrong? Sure. But I like to think that the Mavericks players were playing the role of merry pranksters and taking a shot at his short stature as opposed to the high chair being a heartfelt gesture from caring and supporting friends. But that’s just me, maybe.
